The fucking bees dying out. It's bad but at least when we're driven from our homes by mobs and we're forced to scavenge through the ruins of society to find something edible. When we do find some morsel of edible matter, some expired can of something. We'll smash it open where we stand and gulp it down outside, in the open air. At least there won't be any wasps around to ruin the experience. I don't know if you remember what like about fifteen years ago, but it was a nightmare trying to have a picnic. It could be a really nice day but as soon as you got the food out you'd be surrounded by bees and wasps and flies. Everyone used to say oh just stand still they'll fly away. If you tried all fresco dining in the nineties you spent most of your time trying not to move, waiting for a wasp to fly away and praying it didn't sting you. We,re in a golden age for outdoor dining right now. When there are no pollinators around, but man hasn't turned on man for the right to eat the last tomato. The only thing you have to worry about right now is that if you eat outside in the evening you'll get bitten by mosquitos. But they won't be going anywhere. Like I said. Undesirable things thrive in the anthropocene. Undesirable people even, seem to thrive. It's got to the point where all my pension investments are just based around evil. I only invest in weapons manufacturers and companies that drill for oil using dangerous chemicals. I was trying to pick a fund with a lot of investments in Russia, because Russia seems pretty bad with all the annexing and the support for brutal regimes and the dictatorship and everything. So I thought I better get in on the ground floor and there was a couple of different funds to pick from, and instead of going through their fact sheets and checking past performance or possible yield whatever I just looked up pictures of the people who ran the funds and picked the most evil, soulless, corrupt looking one. Which is totally superficial. Which is pretty bad in itself. So I'll probably become successful pretty soon.
I don't think I have a very positive world view overall. We all do our best to get by. But in general I don't really think being alive is very great. I doubt I'm alone in this but it's not really something you're allowed to talk about. When I say something like "life isn't very great is it? " People just look a me in confusion. "Why would you think life is bad? Do you not do yoga and meditate and eat a lot of kale and stay hydrated?" And I do all of those things. Like you wouldn't believe but honestly. I just don't think life is very great. People get defensive when I start talking like this. They say "well if you hate being alive so much why don't you just kill yourself?" And I think they honestly wish I would. Just to get me out of their hair. But the fact is since I started taking anti depressants I don't really feel like killing myself anymore. There was a long period of my life. Probably about... Twenty five years, when I thought about killing myself in the same way people think about the items on their bucket list. Sort of things they really want to get round to, but it's just never the right time. That's how I felt about killing myself. It was this project that I needed to get round to, that I really wanted to do but things kept getting in the way! In the same way people will want to write a book, but they don't get round to it. Or they want to cycle round the world. But in the end they're too scared to really just do it. That's what it was like. Like I really wanted to be dead but killing myself...I would just put it off.
I guess in hindsight I found it so hard to kill myself because I was depressed. It's really hard to be effective with any project when you're depressed. it would just be in the back of my head. like ah I really need to get around to killing myself but right now I think I'll just lie in bed staring at the ceiling for 40 minutes. Or I would think ah I really need tu get round to killimg myself but it seems so overwhelming. Like how do I do it, what's good, what's not, what's a hot way to die, what's painless way. Is there a way where I won't have to spend like fifteen minutes hallucinating before I go? It was just this huge, overwhelming project. Sometimes, when I was vaguely functional I would think maybe I can make a start. People say it's easy when you make a start. So I'd go on the internet and order a rope or something. You ever notice with these projects the easiest part is always buying something? Like people are always buying new notebooks for their novels they never write, or fancy bikes for the trips they never go on. Buying things is always the easy part. So I would always be buying something to help me kill myself, but then I'd lose interest in the project. And it was like I'd have this voice in the back of my head, sort of nagging, like "well you better get round to killing yourself soon." Kind of like with some chore that you keep putting off. Like "I really need to tidy my wardrobe." But it would be "I really need to test if the bar in my wardrobe is strong enough to hang myself off"
But then I started taking anti depressants and let me tell you: the voice stopped! That's how I know I was depressed! I used to constantly think about killing myself but now I don't. And in a way it's totally amazing. That I take this pill and I'm basically the same, but I don't have the same attitude towards repainting the landing as I do to throwing myself off a cliff. Just basically the same, except no more feeling like suicide is a long trip I keep putting off. That and my dick doesnt work anymore. I mean it works, I just sort of can't feel anything. It's kind of numb I guess. But it does whatever is required of it just a bit slower sometimes. But I mean that's not so bad. Like it's hard to come sometimes but it's probably harder to come when you're deadStatistics: Posted by bels — Mon May 14, 2018 5:07 am
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