by whinefields » Thu Jan 02, 2014 12:14 pm
New Year, No Cop. I spent way too much this past year (and especially the last quarter of the year) on items of clothing, DVDs I didn't need, furniture for my new apartment, etc. It came to the point where I knew that I would run out of money but figured that if I were already this much in the red, fuck it, why not go further? (As an aside, do not do this!! So dumb) Basically, I got a bunch of stuff over the holidays - some from my parents, some from "me" - and now that it's the New Year, I am resolved not to spend anything on clothing, extravagant food (either going out or ordering in) and DVDs and the like.
The thing that gets me the most is that coming into this year, I was fairly confident in the way I dressed. Then I moved literally all the way across the country. For a variety of reasons, that produced massive bouts of insecurity which resulted in lots of purchases as an attempt to project confidence/build a slightly new persona/cope with my anxiety. Looking back on all my purchases, even though I like all (and love some (as I finally got some brands that I've been waiting to purchase for a long time)), it's not exactly like I needed any of them. While they enhanced my style, they didn't radically change it. It wasn't as if I was filling in any major gaps in my wardrobe. Which leads me to no cop.
The more I reflected on what I bought, and thought about future purchases, the more I started to question why actually my attention turned to clothing. The way I see it now, entering graduate school brought about commitment fears - "was I actually going to invest in myself and say that I will become, or at least head down the road to becoming, what I've always dreamed of being?" As a way to move around those fears, as a distraction, I started to become more and more interested in my "style" and others' as well. The more time I spent looking online for purchases, the less time I spent actively engaged in my schoolwork. Thus, much of my anxiety abated.
So, for me, no cop isn't just about not spending money. It's more about a refocusing - by eliminating what is probably the biggest distraction in my life, I can, for better or for worse, turn my attention back to where it belongs: graduate school and the world that I will be entering upon its completion. So, for me, no cop extends until May 11th of this year.