by pei » Fri Nov 07, 2014 11:40 am
after a few months, three academic advising meetings convincing me to do so, and a terrible experience with withdrawal from medication, i am proud to say that i'm going to therapy and getting help with my depression and anxiety again.
i thought all my symptoms were gone, but then they were lingering and manifested themselves into clumps which restricted me. at first i was convinced that i could handle this on my own, but then i realized that i can't tough through this myself, even though i am in a much better place than i was, emotionally and physically. this wasn't really the case, i thought that i was strong enough to go cold turkey on medication and just fight up against it like my other friends that have gone through the same things i did. i lacked motivation. i wasn't exactly lazy, but i indulged more in behavior which destroyed me and will destroy me in the long run. i deliberately put myself in situations where i felt uncomfortable, which caused me to feel emotional trauma. i started smoking again out of stress, but i'm planning to quit since it's putting a strain on my lungs and my wallet.
although i still feel apathetic, unwanted, and distant to a lot of people and things, i feel much happier. out of the 3 months that i have been here in chicago, i learnt how to value myself, and value other people. that pretty much has been the best medicine that i have received. internet friendships became realer, i made friends with people who i have never expected to be friends with, and i found people who genuinely care about me (or have said they do).
i'm grateful that i'm still here in this world, and honestly, i feel that i could look forward to the next day. and that's a really big first step.
:0)