Feelings

[mahi-mahi]

I feel lost. I can't shake the feeling that I'm going nowhere. Feels like I can't do things anymore and when I do, it's all doubt. I'm tired of doubt. Maybe I'm a bad guy after all. I can't deal with my anxieties anymore. When I talk to my rents about it, they just smile and ask me why I'm worried. They're generally lovely so it's not like it's a big deal. Everything feels kinda collapsed. I just want someone to listen to me without passing judgement, but I don't deserve that. I hate myself man. I'm not a good person, and I only do things motivated by self interest. I'm tired of expressing my emotions and being told I'm less of a man because of it. I need something. I need change, and I can't find it anywhere.

[Cowboy]

I highly recommend therapy, it is wonderful and could most likely help!

[mahi-mahi]

therapy sounds beautiful.

[can-]

everyone should be in therapy

[mahi-mahi]

I was in group therapy for a while and it was nice knowing I wasn't alone, you know? It was great having people with common experiences that I could talk to about something that affects me daily. I had to leave because my mom got cancer but she beat it. I might go back.

[lyysander]

I just moved to a new city and I don't know how to make friends without school haha.

I miss college, man.

[JonjoShelvey]

i met a girl in chicago this weekend and we had so much in common, from our personal problems to our interests. she loves chanel and raf simons. she dressed like a rich girl and had a few real LV purses and louboutin heels. our last night together we sat outside smoking cigarettes and talking for three hours after we ate dinner with some friends.

she is eight years older than me, far more attractive, and lives 1000 miles away. i will see her again for about 5 days in January, and then probably never again. i don't know if i had enough time to fall in love, but it's different than my usual feelings. knowing we wont even be able to be friends hurts more than i thought it would. i just want to smoke one last cigarette with her.

[WussWayne]

I just found out from my mum's friend that she's had ovarian cancer for 2-3 years now(50% 5-year survial rate) and apparently my diabetic grand-mum had breast cancer and got masecotmies 11 years ago(her own grandmother also died from breast cancer). My mum's flown a couple of times to come see me but she kept intruding into my life and I generally don't get along well with her and we've had a lot of fights this past year and I've said some awful things including telling her I wished she was dead but now I think she just wanted to spend some more time with me because of her cancer and now I feel like a fucking dickhead. My mum is also old-school African and her friend told me she's missed 1 or 2 of her chemo appointments because she was here and she wasn't fussed about it and I'm super-worried about the effect of the missed appointments on her but I've convinced her to book a flight on Saturday and go back for her treatments. Goddamn my family has shitty genes. Mental illness on my dad's side and cancer on my mum's. I'm now 100% sure I'm never having kids.

[Morlin]

you're a tenured professor and are still playing mind games?? not looking at me in the eyes once while you compliment my partner on our group project?

I have my saved sweater searches and that's all I need on this earth~~

[adhi]

hey guys. i'm competing in a michigan based entrepreneurship competition and i need your help. i need online votes to move on to the next stage where i present in front of a panel of judges.

if i move on to the next stage, i'll be going to grand rapids and i would meet up with ramdomthought (again!)! we would def take pictures and post them here.

so it takes like about 45 seconds to log in and vote for my idea. it will help support and lift up locally owned businesses. here is the link: http://5x5night.com/ideas/detail/localbusinessbarter

i would really appreciate it! thanks and let me know if you like the idea or voted! don't hesitate to ask any questions about all of this.

[UnwashedMolasses]

A dear friend of mine just got diagnosed with leukemia. So that's my friend, my current boss, an aunt, an uncle, a living grandpa, a dead gramps, and myself.

It's hard not to fall on platitudes with this thing. "Fuck cancer". It affects so many. Everybody dies anyway, this just takes them away a little faster. I don't know.

I'm going to do everything I can to help him. I don't want to ask you guys for money because you don't know him and I understand that's not how charity works.

He needs money for chemo. If you've got an extra five bucks lying around, it'd be appreciated. You don't know how much.

https://www.gofundme.com/fr6qfya8

If you don't have money to give or just don't feel like it for someone you don't know (I'm not trying to guilt you, I completely understand) then I hope you at least read this and know that people are fragile. Things change very quickly. Try and appreciate and love those people that are close to you and that you care about.

[harmsalmon]

just found out I was cast in four projects I am very excited about....... probably am going to have to choose only two of them to do but i guess that's a good problem to have

[msc]

don't really post a lot, but:
been pretty down since december of last year, long term girlfriend broke up with me during the spring, we got back together over the summer.
freshman in college and i haven't really made friends at all, and just got broken up with again, this time it looks like for good, mainly due to my depression. so im going to talk to my parents about seeing a doctor/therapist to try and help deal with everything

[asianfuntime]

just gonna openly write my brain on sophomore year so far

actually seeing how teenage years do go is a very big rollercoaster. with the amount of added stress I've received going back to school and not having my 9 hours of sleep every day during the summer has given me constant acne. it's not bad, but it's been a constant 3-5 pimples on my face with several small ones and the healing blemishes instead of just the occasional 1. acne does really suck and puts a blow on self-esteem. my proactiv hasn't really helped the past weeks, and I'm getting concerned it's time to find something new to help bring down my acne. I don't think I'm at the point where accutane would be a good choice, but if it is I would hope so because acne really does suck

people changed a lot too, not like it's a bad thing. girls have been getting less prude, a lot more alcohol and drug usage, and the groups of friends burrow deeper into who can hang out with who and who's getting the boot out of the group. I've been changing to not be outta trend. being the same exact person is boring almost, and people get bored of that, from what I've noticed at least. I don't want to change in the sense of losing the respect from most people to be with a very small few. like mentioned before, the added pressure of being a teenager is becoming very prevalent sophpmore year.

school has also been a big drag. my teachers are significantly worse than last year's, and the classes become even harder to understand and listen to. my grades are definitely reflecting that, as I currently have 2 low B's in subjects I found very easy last year. I think the lack of my sister to help me has affected me a lot too, as she self-taught good ways of studying and being efficient at school. I don't have the same intelligence or ability to make academic ends meet alone. I should probably call her more often, but I'm always afraid she is too busy at school.

I don't like how my year has been going, it's been very stale. a party or two every month, sit inside for another week, and just wait to turn 16 to get my license. I hope my second semester of sophomore year will be like the second semester of freshman year: school becomes much easier, face clears up, meet new friends while becoming even closer to my best friends, and just having a better time overall.

senioritis is already hitting me, and that's bad.

[WussWayne]

I'm trying to pretend like I don't really care but the two neg reps I got on Wednesday induced a 4hr rage with some very disturbing thoughts(I'm really really sorry to the involved) and yesterday I had a slight quarrel with my mum and she tried to guilt me and I spent over 6 hrs thinking over how I wanted to choke the absolute shit out of everyone in my family and one hour crying over how much of a psycho I am and I had to purge all her contact deets from my phone because I knew I wouldn't be able to stop myself from sending her extremely abusive messages even though she's currently in a hospital for her chemo and I went to see my gp today about this and he says I have borderline personality disorder as well and that he'd refer me to a therapy thingy but now I'm extremely paranoid that he's going to get me sectioned and I don't want to go back to hospital because I've spent a total of 3 months in psych wards this year and I don't want to go back to hospital because not much gets done in them and I've honestly been trying very hard to be normal by enrolling in aged care course I'm almost through with, socialising more, cycling more and cutting the amount of time I spend on irc to near-zero and I don't want all my efforts to be for nothing. I'm also paranoid about the implications of my medical record this because bpd is like the worst thing to be diagnosed with when it comes to interacting with people who work in mental health and I know I'm rambling and I'm sorry but I don't think have anywhere else to vent because I know I would sound 100% batshit if I told the irl people around me what's going on in my head(and I am also paranoid about the police being called even though I haven't done anything wrong) and I'm sorry and I wouldn't blame any of you if you put me on ignore I don't contribute anything of value as is

[errantposture]

You have to call at 8:30 to set up an appointment with a counselor at my school and every single time I try it takes me a good hour to work up the motivation to actually make the phone call which basically means there's no appointments left for the day so I don't get to see a counselor and it's very discouraging when you're trying to get help but the thing you need help for is also preventing you from getting help. I guess I'll just have to wake up at 7:30 so I have an hour to get motivated before the time starts ticking

[mofaux]

my girlfriend told me she just cheated on me on the day i went to my brother's funeral last week and broke up with me

also it's haydn's (disby's) 21st birthday today

i really miss him

[mahi-mahi]

Care Friends

My dog died last week on Wendsday and then on Thursday, my grandma died.
I'm thankful to have this community. When my "life" or whatever gets too much, it's nice to have a place where I feel fine. Through the ups and downs. Uhhhh I'm not good at being sentimental. I've always been taught to bottle my emotions up (lol see how that's turning out). But either way, I miss them both terribly but my parents (as always) are lovely and supportive.

Thanks.

PS- do I have a nice voice?

[cormac]

I asked out a girl in one of my classes after waiting weeks. She is the first person whose bright blue eyes I noticed and remembered the first time I saw them. I had changed my location in the classroom, partly because I knew it would be more likely I would be in her group for the final project. during the time spent on the project, it seemed like we really had potential for a connection. When I finally found the chance to voice my feelings and ask her to coffee, her response was that she has just recently gotten out of a two-year relationship and she's not ready to date yet (during this her face flushed harder than I have ever seen in my life). I told her I completely understand and that that's absolutely fine. However, she still said yes. So now, I'm in a position where I still have a chance, maybe, but I won't know what's going to happen for a long time. And that scares me. I've never been in a place like this before, having only been in one short relationship in high school. I think my biggest fear is that she said yes because she didn't know how to say no. Such a bittersweet blend of emotions right now, I just needed to put it down somewhere.

[cormac]

update: we went to coffee, and it seemed like both of us had a great time discussing our futures, our favorite muffins, philosophy and literature. I had a feeling something was up because I vaguely noticed her blushing like five minutes before this (I'm noticing a theme), but when it was time to say goodbye she said that she really, really does not want a relationship. It hurt to hear that and to have to cover myself up with a smile. I said it was completely fine and that we'll be friends, which she seemed happy with. It all ended on good terms, and the bittersweet mixture is gone, but now it's mostly just sadness. I was serious about being friends, so next semester should be interesting. Such is life. Thanks for the support, everyone.

[WussWayne]

Post Regret

[mc-lunar]

someone slid into my DMs a few days ago and i don't really know how to feel !

i also didn't know this was something that happened in real life ! whee

[WussWayne]

Went on a different tinder date yesterday with my date, her sister and I think her sister's date. Ended up talking about punk music with her sister's date and chatted about comme des garcons with my date(she had a cdg play tee and a cdg wallet). It was fun but I ended up getting too shitfaced and woke up on the lawn without my phone and I was missing some coins and a usb drive from my wallet. Facebooked my date later this morning and she said they put me in a taxi but I had my phone then so I think the cabbie stole it :/ I guess the taxi dude paid for the cab with my card but I'm not sure if I can get my phone back. Anyone know what to do? At least the girl is keen to get coffee next week and I have another date with someone else on Sunday.
I think my perfecto deluded me into being a fun person and I guess I seemed cool?

edit: could be any rando who stole the phone while I was passed out. Drinking this much is not cool

[Ques]

stupid foreigner in china ramblings

[diordaddy]

Eight months ago I moved with my parents from Houston to a small town in Alabama about an hours way from Birmingham. As a result I've been extremely depressed and treating my existential dread through substance abuse in just about any forms I can acquire/justify. I work as a bus boy at a bar and grill whose main exports are bud light and bud light draft (I say bar and grill but it's really bar with grill.). I hate my job but I'm ridiculously overpaid for the amount of work I do. However the financial gains take their tolls through cultural alienation and the overall aura of negativity emanating from employee attitudes.

Yesterday I had some free time before work so I decided to stop in at a coffee shop for an espresso and some quiet time to read my book (Outliers by Malcom Gladwell. It covers the psychology of success. I would highly recommend it to anyone in an existential slump like myself). While I didn't find the latter I ended up striking a conversation with the barista. We eventually turned to my work history and it turns out the woman I was talking to was the newly promoted manager. She expressed interest at the idea of me joining their operation and filling her recently abandoned shoes. I'm currently procrastinating updating my resume to send to their hiring manager. Although it'd be a longer commute from home and a noticeable pay cut there's lots of opportunity for networking and I'd be learning a valuable skill that will make my job search much easier once I eventually escape the bible belt. Also the overall culture/clientele is much more fitting to my personality; Something I was beginning to lose hope in.

Nothing is set in stone and if I were to leave my current job I think I'd still pick up work once a week for the money. Nonetheless the past couple days have been a lot better as far as my mental state goes and if this new job pulls through it'll be positive change of scenery/lifestyle. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Edit: TL;DR I am sad and I have a shot at landing a new job that hopefully won't make me sad. Realized my post is a bit long compared to others.

[mc-lunar]

tomorrow night is the premiere of

Is It A Date Or Are We Just Two Cool Attractive People Chilling Who Talk About Sex Too Much Probably For A Friendship Or Am I Reading Too Much Into That Part 3

the much anticipated followup to part 1 and the less critically acclaimed part 2

the rumour mill suggests that the protagonist will continue to think about trying to move towards clarifying things but also not do anything, leaving viewers on the edge of their seats once again

[alby]

January 2016 has gone down as the most stressful month of my life. I've been workin 40 hours a week as well as doing 15 credits of school, while having a girlfriend as well as starting up my own brand. I've been having a really hard time balancing time between activities.

My girlfriend and I have been having a real rough patch.

I got my first speeding ticket early in the month.

I totaled my car last night by hitting a deer (I am okay as well as all my passengers)

but damn, I'm ready for this month to be over.

[ramdomthought]

you in WI?

[oldtrailmix]

Few things irk me so much as people giving me shit for not knowing how to do "masculine" activities. I used to be able to just blow it off, but now that I'm in a relationship it always seems to come up. "Really, your new boyfriend doesn't know how to change the oil in a car?"

"Don't expect Thor to be able to help with that, he's not handy at all."

Every time it's just a painful reminder that I had my dad die on me at the age of three, and I grew up with no father figure at all.

Maybe it is a lot of self pity and maybe I am too sensitive and yes I should just teach myself this shit, but God damn does it gash me all the same. Sometimes I just wish folks would think twice before saying things like that.

~fin~

[Suquida]

Don't think of it as an attack on your masculinity, it's not about that, more about having a valuable life skill which you should prob teach yourself soon, like knowing how to cook

Doesn't mean people should be a dick about it but yeah