by SisterRayVU » Mon Dec 02, 2013 4:27 am
Went to secondary state school for an interdisciplinary studies (see: liberal arts) degree. I was probably at the tail-end of the a generation that still though getting a degree was sufficient for transitioning into the workforce or whatever. I don't really hide the fact that I'm bitter about my undergrad experience but at the same time, I'm largely the reason that I didn't enjoy it. I enjoyed a handful of classes but upon reflection, I didn't really have direction. I had a job that I enjoyed and wanted to follow but school did nothing to further that. That said, I do enjoy school as a value, I just wish I could do UG with what I knew about myself at 20 instead of 18. I think it's a lot of pressure to have 16 and 17 year old children decide whether they want to stay near their home or move away, whether they want to devote themselves to one field or explore a bunch of options. I think it becomes sort of detrimental to expect kids from different backgrounds to approach those questions with the same set of knowledge. I can talk about how I think higher education is largely a scam or has been devalued to the point of irrelevance, but that's more of the 'it's your fault!' instead of the 'it's my fault!' attitude. Both are correct but I'd rather focus on my mistakes and correct them instead of ranting about a stacked system and shit.
Anyway, I'm a first year law student and finals begin one week from now. Everything is sort of scary since these tests will be the first school tests in my life that actually matter. In UG, if I fucked up, it was no big deal. There was always tomorrow. Now, if I fuck up, that's it -- I'm cooked. It's a lot of pressure because the grades from my first two semesters are disproportionately more important than anything that comes in the next two years, so I have to put a lot of stock in just nine grades. There's also the curve which makes it so that not everyone can do well. There are only a certain number of A+s, As, A-s, B+s, etc. to hand out. It also sort of feels good, though? Like, I feel hyped up like I'm getting ready for Game Seven and I find myself psyching myself up when I'm in front of the mirror before taking a shower. I've never really studied before classes and now that I'm doing that and actually getting a grasp of the material, I feel better and better. Most people are steadily getting more stressed out but I'm hitting my stride and I kind of like this feeling of minimal sleep and mental devotion.
I'm not super concerned with anything right now; like I feel confident that I can hit median or better which is the minimum I'd need to feel good going into next semester, but it's also time to start thinking about jobs and stuff. I was able to start sending off resumes and stuff yesterday for jobs this summer. I kind of want to apply for a few Senators' offices in DC to work on their committees doing legal research and writing because it's something I'm interested in and I've mainly worked on political stuff, but if I can get one of those jobs, it can maybe handicap me come fall when interviews happen for other jobs that you'd get for when you graduate. So I'm in this sort of weird thought spiral where, if I do well this year, I can do whatever job this summer and it won't matter since in the fall, all employers really care about is grades and that you didn't do nothing over the summer. So no doors would be closed to me. But if I just do alright or poorly, a lot jobs would already be precluded from me but even more may possible be gone if I was to do some type of political work because potential employers may believe I have no desire to work in the private sector. At the same time, it's sort of a hedge since maybe if I don't do well, I can at least go back to that kind of work. But even in that field, it's hard to find jobs. So now I have to contend with this idea of 'doing what I want to do' or trying to do something that might possibly mitigate the possibility of bad grades, and I sort of have to come to a conclusion absent the ultimate grades that I'm worrying about. But then I take a step back and it's such a #firstworldproblem because at the end of the day, I can still wait tables and I'll never go hungry.
As an aside, I have a little cousin who doesn't really like school. I think he's a sophomore in high school? Anyway, his mother put him into an auto-mechanics course that the school offers. I think those are great programs but I think resigning him to that at 13 when he was a freshman was awful. He likes it, and that's what matters, but he has no impetus to explore anything else. He's not dumb and I know he thinks about some stuff, so I wish he had the influence to care about reading or movies or history in more palpable way besides 'I don't want my mom to yell at me and it doesn't matter anyway since I'm not going to college'. It makes me confront a lot of my attitudes towards university. He's someone who probably shouldn't go right out of HS if at all. But he's also my family, I love him, and I know that he could be making a forever-decision that he just doesn't have the agency to make. At one point, he said he wanted to be an engineer. I don't know what kind but I told him that was cool and probably involves some math. And then he was like 'oh, fuck that', and I wanted to be like, 'Dawg, just fucking do it', but the attitude really comes from his mother who never really instilled this value of education or culture in him. His younger brother is more bookish but it's going to wind up largely similar, I think, where his abilities will be wasted because his mom won't push him or encourage him beyond simple platitudes and parental threats. I just feel like he never got a shot and now he thinks he's this dumb ass who sucks at school when I don't think that's the case; he was just never told to consider liking it when he was younger. But his mom is also one of those 'school sucks' people so that passed down to him and that's a shame and it makes me think about how I talk because even if I don't like school I do like the idea of school and learning and an institution of young and supple minds being molded and infused with different ideas and the cultivation of different personalities and this ancient ritual of pedagogy and how kids for hundreds of years have been sitting while a professor or a teacher talks and it's sort of cool to imagine yourself as just another link in this chain of history.