All is Full of Love

[Syeknom]

No but I've done my fair share - there's nothing at all wrong with dating long distance but it's pretty punishing.

[UnwashedMolasses]

I did two years long distance with my current SO, Syeknom is definitely right, it's not easy. Had we had to go longer it would've likely broken us. As is, if you can make it out the other side, it forces you to up your communication game dramatically, which is really very helpful. I don't know if it's necessarily worth it, as it's a bit of a trial by fire. I guess everyone would have to make that call themselves.

[SteevMike]

Yeah ldr success is gonna depend entirely on what kind of person you are and who you are dating

I did long distance with someone i had been dating or about a year and a half, who was going to be away for another year and a half. Looking back, i'm pretty sure i hated the idea from day one but things were generally fine for the first 8-12 months and then suddenly complete piss garbage awful, the whole thing collapsed so quickly and painfully and attempts on either side to repair any damage ultimately made things worse.

[Bobbin.Threadbare]

Me and Katy really love eachother. I was working away in Vietnam, and came back to visit my parents when I met her. I was meant to go on to Seoul a couple of weeks after meeting her but I ended up staying in London because after a couple of weeks I didn't want to leave her.

She makes me so content in every way and we make lots of things together. She's really easy to love.

[bels]

Getting real sick of your shit bobbin.

[Bobbin.Threadbare]

And yet I grow more fond of you.

[YoungCanoeist]

...Continued from my post in the sex thread a couple weeks ago.

The one girl who's been sometimes-uncomfortably very quiet...I've got a date with her on Saturday.

I've been physically attracted to her for a while (she's beautiful!), and we have a ton of things in common/we're very similar people, but I hadn't acted on it because I didn't feel any sort of pull towards her beyond friendship. I enjoy being goofy and having fun with people, and it felt like she was almost always serious, and so I felt a little disconnected from her.

Just before thanksgiving, we were in class together + two friends of ours and there was a general atmosphere of goofiness & fun and she was uncharacteristically joking around a lot. She'd been like that every once in a while before though. I really enjoyed hanging out there, so after class, when she was going to dinner (alone), keeping all of your advice in mind, I asked if I could tag along. We had an interesting and enjoyable conversation, and it was a good time. We spent a little more time together in the next couple days and then she was texting me over break. At this point I was pretty sure that what her roommate said (about her being into me) was true.

Fast forward to yesterday: I had time in between classes so I went and bought a couple records (Crosby, Stills & Nash self titled and Deja Vu CSNY, two of my favorites!) She had bought one she'd never heard before (Michigan-Sufjan Stevens) and so we made plans to listen together that night. We ended up hanging out for a while in her room, conversation was nice and it was a good time, but I still felt a little disconnected and I wasn't sure why. After I went back to my room she texted me saying that she wanted to talk the next day.

Today came around and she told me that she liked me and was interested in me. I'm willing to give it a shot and so I told her that. We made plans for Saturday.

The tone of my writing reflects my feelings about this: I'm pretty detached. But I think this is just a manifestation because I've been really detached with everything all week and I haven't really felt much or been emotional at all. I'm usually pretty emotional! Especially the last two weeks, I had a lot of stuff going on in my life and I was all over the place emotionally. This week I haven't felt much, and it's really, really strange, but it's been kind of nice. I've been really calm and unperturbed, and there's been a certain clarity to my activities. They feel unobstructed and my motivations are pretty stable. I don't know why all of this is here, but it is. And it doesn't feel particularly bad, or particularly good either, it just is.

One thing that I don't get a lot of in college is alone time, which I had plenty of back home. So tonight I made it a point to sit down and reflect. I've sort of realized that I haven't felt a connection with her because she doesn't overtly express affection, like nearly all of my other friends here do. This could absolutely be because she liked me and didn't want to be in a vulnerable position, or she could just be a person that doesn't express appreciation and love that way. Many times before I've asked myself, "what is a human connection?" and the best answer I have so far, for me, is interacting with someone in a way that makes me feel loved, and allows me to give love.

Given that we're such similar people, and have similar outlooks and approaches to things, I'm thinking there may be a deeper level of connection possible with her. One that may not necessarily include (or exclude) overt expressions of affection, but something else, a deeper appreciation. Maybe once we talk about this and open up more, she'll express her feelings that way.

I really have no idea! I've never been in a relationship before and neither has she, so I don't know what to expect at all. I see a lot of potential here though and I'm interested in exploring it, and getting to know her as a person in her fullness. It's a unique opportunity that's presented itself and I want to fully open up to my life and go with it. Though right now I'm being very cold and calculating, I'm really looking forward to the date and just talking with her. I'd really like to talk about this whole subject with her too.

We'll see!

[can-]

if u want her to express more affection, tell her

[oieoou]

I talked about my last relationship in the feeltalk thread a few days ago in just a passing manner, so heres something a little more in depth. Unwashed said that long distance relationships are hard but they can be dealt with through various means (roughly paraphrasing of course) and if you do it right and have the heart to do it then it will most likely work out in the end. But also understand that it is not for everyone, it was something I realized I couldnt do two years down the line. Im going to use this as a confession in a sense, even though Ive spoken about this to people Im close to, but after two years being long distance (with intermittent visits) in an already four year relationship it was something that I just couldnt do. Im 20 years old and I couldnt stand the idea that I was possibly "missing out" on other women/relationships that I could have. Dont get me wrong, the girl I was dating was amazing, but something deep down in me kept telling me that there was so much else out in the world. On top of this I felt like I was just bored by being with the same girl and stopped finding a genuine happiness with her. I broke up with her over a month and a half ago and I feel entirely ambivalent to what happened only because I have this sort of cognitive dissonance going on in my head about the situation. I miss being around her and I wish I could take back what I had done, but at the same time Im glad I broke away from something that I was not feeling positive about and that I could branch out and meet new people. Anyone who may have looked upon my post in the feeltalk thread, and felt even a little pity for me, who now have read this and feel a tinge of disgust for me now I understand and accept. I made a decision that I was not entirely sure about and now I dont know what to think.
This felt "good" to just pour out even if no one reads it.

[Syeknom]

Mate there's nothing disgusting about that - that's like the most common reason for people in their teens/20s (and really their whole life) to break up. It's neither right nor wrong - it's just the way people are. It may feel like at 20 you need to be on the path towards something concrete or Right but viewed with hindsight it's complete crap - life is surprisingly long and will be stuffed to the brim with new experiences, new people, new lovers, net tragedies etc. There's too much to experience and too much potential in the world to commit yourself to a relationship you're no longer happy in (for whatever reason) at such a young age. On the one hand it sucks but on the other it's just a part of life and you'll come back to those feelings again and again no matter how settled you may become. At a certain point obligation and responsibility may mean one has to shelve such an idea (e.g. you've got kids and can't just leave to move abroad ploughing random girls) but up until then just try to be honest and respectful to yourself and those you care about. This may mean being honest about wanting to enjoy single life and the world immediately around you rather than pining at a skype screen at 3am.

[schiaparelli]

tl;dr please don't feel guilty or think that you are a bad person

it doesn't matter if she was great and you were great together if you could not find contentment in the relationship. for right or wrong you're just not in the place where you can feel happy in a settled way, and perhaps with some distance you might find that there were things which were slight bits of friction, slight incompatibilities…look, if your heart wasn't into it the relationship can't really give either of you everything that a romantic entanglement is capable of

i think when it comes to relationships everyone has the capability to be a bit cruel. it's not because you're a bad person, it's because romantic relationships often assume and require an immense level of self-sacrifice and thoughtfulness and commitment, and at some point you realize that you can't do that for a certain person and you need to selfishly think of yourself.

don't think you need to be a martyr and pull through the long-distance because ~*~love can overcome~*~…i mean, yes, it can, but you have to feel that the act of overcoming is an act of love and that the endgame is something you are genuinely chasing after

[Catfush]

[YoungCanoeist]

Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll bring it up. Thank you for all your help Catfush!

[ballast]

oieoou: there's nothing wrong with what you did and you really shouldn't feel bad about it. long distance is always hard, and when you're 20, it's even harder, especially when you feel like you're missing out on so much else in the world. in a way, it's a very brave thing what you did because breaking up is hard and if you didn't, down the line, you may grow resentful of what you imagined could have been if you did and deathspiral into 'what-if's. that dissatisfaction really shows in relationships and she no doubt would have realized you resented her.

i realize that i'm not very articulate on this subject, even though there is a lot i want to say. i have had a very similar experience and i'll relate a bit here.

in college and a couple years after, i was dating a woman 8 years my senior. she is an amazing woman, beautiful, super kind and well-traveled. we both lied about our age initially (me up, her down) and by the time we both learned our actual ages, we were past the point of caring. i dated her for 6 years, with the last 2 being long distance, with me moving home and her travelling between singapore and london. i honestly thought i was going to marry her, but during the last two years, i had the same feelings as you did re:wondering what else was out there and if i was missing out. this was exacerbated a bit because i knew her dating past pretty thoroughly and she seemed very worldly and experienced to me. i resented her a little and she could tell through our conversations.

however, i kept our relationship alive through some misguided belief that it would all work out. the best thing she did for me was to tell me she loved me and wanted me to be happy and go out and experience life, and i'm forever grateful to her for what she taught me.

this kinda rambled on, but anyways, i feel like you did the right thing. relationships are hard, and feeling like your missing out will always impact the relationship, whether you realize or not. it'll get better and i hope you find what you're looking for.

e:sorry for my poor writing. there are a lot of thoughts in my head about this, but i can't seem to get them down the way i want.

tl;dr: i think you did the right thing oieoou, keep on trucking.

[oieoou]

I appreciate the words of advice and wisdom from you guys, its helped me think and reevaluate myself a tad. Its tough dealing with this and Im trying my best to not put my problems on others. But thank you guys for this, you are all awesome.

[SisterRayVU]

Bro, you're 20 and were in a relationship with a girl from when you were 16 or 17. Whether it's a desire to get with other women and have new stuff going on or whether it's a desire to not be with her, you have no reason to feel guilty for feeling bad or not feeling bad. You're a completely different person than you were then and you're probably different than you were even a year ago. People change and those are especially dynamic years. Don't worry about it. You did nothing malicious or evil. You just did something hard. If anything, the way you feel should vindicate your action.

[Stingray Sam]

i'm in this relationship with this girl i really really like and i've been trying to convince myself that i'm fine with an open relationship and she's at another guy's house right now and i'm freaking out, i don't know what to do fuck fuck fuck

[YoungCanoeist]

it's always less obvious to ourselves but it seems like you like her enough to date her exlusively

if so, tell her that you want to be with her

[Stingray Sam]

yeah i now, i've been trying to convince myself that i'm okay with this but obviously that isn't going so well

[YoungCanoeist]

it's beautifully freeing to admit to yourself what you really want, start with that and then talk with her

[schiaparelli]

don't make the mistake of thinking "i have to play it cool/be cool and i should be open-minded and okay with open relationships and not be too serious and creep people out" and all those reasons people convince themselves to be in open relationships that are not right for them

totally valid to not be okay with it. i sincerely hope you can resolve this in a good way

xxx

oops wow that conversation was from ages ago so instead i guess i'll just say i'm absolutely giddy over the dude i am dating EXCEPT i realized he's in a period of life where he's vaguely trying to find a marriage-track significant other and i am not. he's a med student (third year) and we were talking about residency options for him and what he's thinking about. somehow started talking about best environments to raise a family in and i realized fuck these considerations are real to him

i asked him "are you at the point where you are attempting to find a future life partner? and if so why are you dating me?"
& he said "i'm sort of looking, but it's not at the top of my todo list. i'm dating you because i like you" (cue cute emoticons)

so um
yeah

but moving forward i'm just going to assume this isn't something i should worry about and hopefully that's the correct approach

[sparkyoriental]

I'm functionally bisexual, but I think that I'll end up with a woman long term. I've mostly been involved with men due to ease and a vast amount of supply relative to queer women. My job is male dominated and my degree/school life is male dominated so I rarely meet women in my daily life. Gay women are hard to come by as it is - it's about 3% of the population - and I'm at an age (early 20s) that a lot of purported bisexual women are actually just bi-curious and not interested in being in a relationship with another lady. I'm also quite traditionally "girly" with my interests and appearance (I like fashion, fragrance, opera, etc. and I frequently wear dresses and skirts) and that's physically unattractive to a lot of gay women I meet, which is unfortunate.

(This is a stereotype and I'm exaggerating) A lot of GLBT women that I do meet tend to have vastly different lifestyles and interests than I do. Gluten-free veganism is common, drugs + heavy drinking, studying art/literature/gender studies is also common. Lots of gay women that I do meet are constantly waving the pride flag, are exuberantly proud of their sexuality, and have just recently come out so their newfound freedom and self-ease is liberating, exciting, and wonderful for them. I came out when I was 13 and I didn't have any of the personal struggles that a lot of GLBT folks do with their self and sexuality so I have a hard time relating to some of my GLBT peers. I'm assuming this will change as I head into my mid to late twenties and as the U.S. becomes even more openminded. I tried the okc site for a while and it was extremely unsuccessful so I'm just going to relax on the dating front and see what happens, I guess.

So I'm single, and I have been for quite a while.

[bueno]

one of my friends brought a girl back to uni halls and so i hung around with her friend for like 3 hours and it was weird because we actually had a shit load in common. did nothing physical minus kiss but i think that was a better option. seeing her again tonight so hopefully that will go alright.

[ramseames]

[sparkyoriental]

I am rarely interested in men, but when I am, OH BOY I am. It's slightly inappropriate, though. I had a TA last semester who I am absurdly physically and mentally attracted to. He's a grad student and 1 maybe 2 years older than me. The fact that he's grad and I'm undergrad is kind of holding me back. I also don't know if he's single or not. He's never mentioned a girlfriend before but I was his student so personal lives were not frequently brought up.

a rundown on what's happened:
- we ate chicken wings together before office hours once during finals week
- I saw him in the food court today and we sat together and ate lunch

I have no way of contacting him except via linkedin, which is obviously not happening. I have his email so I could try that, I suppose. I'm starting grad school in the fall so I thought I could email him about his experiences with grad school?

I see him everywhere and I know where and when some of his classes are. The thought of hanging around his classrooms crossed my mind, but that is way too creepy and completely inappropriate.

What to do?! I will probably do nothing.

[sparkyoriental]

Dear X.,

You are a beautiful Latin man. I want to role play with a Ti-89 with you and slap your delectable bottom.

Most Sincerely,
Your Student

Call me; I'm waiting.

[sparkyoriental]

ok an actually somewhat serious followup

Hi X.,

Nice seeing you today! I actually have a question:

I've been accepted into the master's program here at UNIVERSITY, but after working on my thesis and doing an independent study, I think I'm more interested in doctoral programs. I've been to see my academic advisor and she hasn't been helpful about applications and advice about choosing a school. I'm kind of lost and unsure of what kind of research I should be doing regarding Phd programs, advisors, etc. If you have the time, could I ask you about graduate schools sometime?

Sparkyoriental

THOUGHTS?

I usually have no qualms about telling people I'm interested and I usually always make the first move, but for some reason with this guy I'm a blubbering ridiculous blob. I just haven't been interested in anyone in such a long time - let alone a date - so suddenly I'm all nerves and 15 again. Most of my dating experience is with women so men are this nebulous strange mess to me.

[UnwashedMolasses]

Definitely doesn't read as inappropriate or even overtly personal in any way, I'd believe you were just looking for academic advice. Seems like that'd be the point, though. Is he still your TA?

[chilljin]

I broke up with my ex girlfriend before uni - honestly the hardest thing i've had to force myself to do, but I was moving 120 miles away and it would not have been fair to either of us. Enjoyed the newfound single freedom for the first term of uni but sleeping with random people gets boring a lot faster than I expected; sometimes I just want to lay in bed all day with someone and watch E4 or some shit.

Speaking to a new girl now, from my uni. Early days, she's from wales. I have a deep scouse accent and i imagine we would sound hilarious if somebody tape recorded a conversation.

[SisterRayVU]

I'm not interested in anyone and it's sort of strange.

Before break, I had a tinder date with a cute girl who goes to the undergrad of my school. We just met in a neighborhood in the middle and got a couple beers at a bro-bar. Was not really our scene and she was leaving to go home the next morning and it was her roommates birthday party that night. I figured it was an excuse and I told her I'd walk her back to the train when we finished our second beer. She told me she had to be back before it was late and I said that was cool and she said she was down to get another drink so we found a much nicer place to go to and I thought things went pretty well, actually. I didn't feel like she was blowing me off since she could have left but was down to hang out more.

But then there were like 3 weeks of no contact due to break and being in different cities. I sent a text when I finished finals and a happy New Year's text that both got responses but when I came back to town and hit her up to hang, she didn't respond, so I let it slide. I was kind of bummed since she seemed really cool and physically is what I'm into but oh well.