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Tonight my mom had a severe asthma attack, it was so bad that they had to hook her up to oxygen, give her an IV and keep her overnight. I'm worried because it's never been this bad and she's really stubborn and tends to deflate really big things, like the fact that she's been taking her puffers almost 20 times a day for the past week when the dosage is a maximum of 5 per day. >.<

The part that amazes me the most about this situation though is that while I'm tearing up and worried sick she's on oxygen and cracking jokes, like "I feel like Darth Vader taking a bong hit!" Not to mention she's still trying to help the nurses while she's barely able to breathe. She's got this ultra cheerful attitude even when things get really tough, and its one of the things I admire the most about her. She's such a genuinely good person, and tonight was really the first time in my entire life that it occurred to me my mom will eventually pass away, and that I'll really, really miss her and all the wonderful little things about her. Fingers crossed it isn't anytime soon.

so pisse d at myself. just got back from a party and i was hanging out witjh this girkl ive been crushing on real hard fr so long and i was hanging out with her the whole night and i didnt even attempt to mak a move the entire night. horray for being beta :wop:

So I saw this girl last weekend and we had a good time. We went for a walk and talked a lot, but we had to cut it short because it was really cold out. I've had feelings for her for a while and I thought it was mutual. She's always really busy though, so we rarely see each other. But when we do it's a lot of fun.

Well anyway, I asked her to go again this weekend because the weather is great and all. She said that she has work in the morning but if she still has energy after that, then sure. I dunno, I always take a maybe as a yes even though I really know it's a no almost every time. And of course the text came, she said she's really tired. When I asked if she'd want to do something else, she said she's busy with school stuff.

I'm just feeling really bummed out about the whole thing now. She seems to never have the time to see me and she never asks me to hang out, which makes me think she's not interested. On the other hand, on the rare occasion that we do see each other it really seems like there's a connection. I just don't know what to think. She's a sweet girl, I really like her. But if she's not interested then I guess there's not much I can do. For the past two-three years every crush I've had has ended in rejection and it's really killing my self-confidence.

got rejected by BU, i'm hoping that i get accepted by UBC

So much unnecessary drama.

So my roommate and I are apparently in a fight. I know he's had a problem with me for a long time (for a reason known to no one), but last night it came to a bit of a boil. He talks behind my back to friends and complains about me, but will never confront me about it. I've always tried to talk to him to find out why he's mad at me, but he just shuts down and is unresponsive. He acts civil/kinda friendly in our room, but in public he'll be hostile and rude.

Last night, before going to a party at my roommate's fraternity, a mutual friend told me that at chapter (the frats weekly forum), my roommate openly asked "Should we allow [me] to come to the party this Friday?" The president told him that was something he should talk about with me and didn't concern the fraternity, because I've never done anything bad/irresponsible at the house.

Went to the party, had a decent time, didn't interact with him at all. I come back to my room with a mutual friend. She tells me that he's been complaining to her a lot more recently. Apparently, he said that after I move out to an apartment next year, he's going to try to get me removed from the group.me for our friend group so that I don't hang out with any of them anymore (like holy hell am I in middle school). Also, she gave me a possible reason for his anger and it's just baffling. At the beginning of the year, he lent me his water bottle because I lost mine. I completely forgot it was his because it was the same as the one I'd lost and he never once asked for it back. THAT is apparently one of the reasons he hates me.

I walked my friend back to her dorm and when I came back to my room, my roommate was there. I gave him his water bottle and tried to talk to him about what the issue was. Basically asked him what he has against me and why will he talk to anyone about it, except for me. Like anticipated, he shut down completely and tried to ignore me. Then he collected all of his shit and left the room at 3:30am to try to find somewhere else to sleep. Literally ran away from his problems.

I'm just going to deal with it for a couple months until the semester is over, but it's weird and stupid to create tension like this when we have the same friends. I'm sure they all feel really awkward about it.

Yeah Boston University, what is baffling to me is that feminist also got rejected and she's been accepted to much better universities and shes an infinitely better candidate than me

Will do, the more and more i think about Vancouver and UBC the more and more i feel that it would be an awesome school to go to and an awesome place to live. BU feels pretty far away from home and i would have literally no one to help me there. UBC is an 8 hour drive away from home. Plus staying in the northwest would be nice and UBC is a really good college. Vancouver also sounds amazing. Does anyone know if Whistler/Blackcomb offers any student discounts?

edit just checked, it's 489 if you get them early which is a pretty awesome deal considering we pay that for season passes at my local ski area

@stingraysam

Ahh that's a bummer sorry to hear about that. I go there currently and I remember reading that they're both getting a lot more selective and getting more applications. Which school did you apply to? (cas/cgs/eng/sar)

I'm sure you'll love where ever you end up going, it's all what you make it.

we have a ski and board club that is very sick, biggest/best student club on campus. and yeah passes are super cheap, thats less than a 5 day edge card would be i think.

my dad contacted me for the first time in like 6 months today. haven't seen him in person in over a year. feels weird that he's trying to create a relationship when he so obviously wasn't interested in maintaining one with me when my sisters and i were growing up.

had a great weekend at cornell!

caught up with old friends, got drunk (for the first time) while playing kings and had a lot of fun with this cute girl. don't think much will come of it but it was fun while it lasted

Freud originally said there is no such thing as a "normal" personality. It's easy to diagnostically label one's self given the tremendous press about whatnot 'disorder' or 'syndrome', and I wouldn't get caught up self-defeating one's self via labels. They're helpful to pinpoint and gather information; however, we shouldn't skip too far as it's first and foremost a clinical tool, a sort-of reference, and not necessarily a replacement for the lack of compassionate relationships. It's just going to take time to overcome your personal woes through talk therapy. You must quell your urge to want a "quick-fix" and endure the patience to ride through the storm out in ocean with your sailboat; you'll see longer-lasting changes and sail to greater distances after.

I reckon I went through initially what you are going through now, though I did not expect a whole spew of things I had repressed that had to be worked and ironed out. I am a better person having went the course of introspection and reworking the past to "emotionally correct" certain parts. It is now that I am becoming more enlightened with compassion and forgiveness for those whom I earnestly inflicted all the wrongdoings that I felt scarred by. The storm will pass through and sunshine will bring lust and a life full of vitality. I'm already seeing bouts of it myself, though I can't share it with you because I've sailed passed 500mi outside of the center of the storm towards the West Indies. Every sailor goes through a shit-storm, for they wouldn't be sailors at all, and so, you'll eventually come through. All of us at the marina are watching, rooting, and waiting for you.

miscellaneous thoughts:

xxx

i have a lot of anxiety and stress right now manifesting in frequent chest pains (like something is tightening up and i can't breathe properly for a bit) and also difficulty swallowing (food is super uninteresting right now but i know i should have it). this happened once before, almost exactly a year ago. it's discouraging because it makes me think maybe i haven't done as good a job of dealing with/changing how i manage stress and anxiety as i thought.

this weekend was super rough. i spent my entire weekend being aggressively sober, and plugging through homework and exhausting extracurricular commitments i accidentally made, and staying up to watch overly inebriated people to make sure they slept without medical incident. today my neural circuits feel stuffed with steel wool and i'm trying to find a ~*~fashion forward~*~ way to wear a fleece blanket to my 8:30am class. i think i could pull it off in a lookbook.nu–y way (which is to say it would be awful).

xxx

the guy i'm currently dating is an undergraduate teaching assistant, so he has keys to get into various conference rooms in the CS academic building. we camped out in one late into saturday night/sunday morning programming and playing music that went from cool-indie-music-blogworthy (11pm) to sentimental-teenage-romance-anthems-from-middle-school (3am). the nice thing about conference rooms is that they have fancy speaker setups and convenient power outlets in the middle of the desks. i did my programming homework in a veritable lap of luxury.

i've decided that true wealth for me means a profusion of easily accessible power outlets. and a forest of avocado trees in a backyard i will never be able to afford because property prices in the places i want to live in are far beyond the reach of mere corporate shills.

xxx

my little sister is applying to colleges and a few posts here have made me think about it again. i'm torn up with anxious sympathy and worry, and i seesaw between asian mom mode (the grey hairs are coming in already) and comforting sister mode. i've internalized a lot of unhealthy college-confidential-style status/prestige anxiety about schools, and it's weird to realize that about myself. i want to be the one to hold strong against my parents and the culture of our high school and be able to tell her that she can do meaningful things and learn a lot and do well. i am getting old.

I'm not happy with the turn of events with my dad and his family despite it providing a lot of closure; he was never consistently there emotionally. I've fought his narcissism especially the years leading up to now where I fled and left home; i had to endure his insecurities and woes and not to mention his egoism. And he expects me to fall under his wing because of the grief he went through because my mom divorced him. My dad's relatives doesn't want to get involved due to distance and the fact that he's can be a megalomaniac and is very difficult to relate to. I worked my tail off emotionally so I can ascend above from parasitic fuccboi friends. I'm dissatisfied with the culture of my ethnicity, there's too much conflict and baggage that I have to figure out singlehandedly embracing mainstream American culture. I grew up in the city and my heart is in urban areas but the rising cost of living will inevitably result in serious considerations as to where I'll end up. I sometimes hate it when I am in so many disparate realms and dimensions. I don't fit in 100% anywhere. I feel as if I am always transient and adapt to the environment as I did growing up because I never found social consistency with very fragmented harmony at home.

Adult-figures are expect me to be accomplishing xyz but when I tell them about my mental health foray with my mom, I break people's mental models of the inevitable self-righteous advice-giving that old people feel compelled to do. It sucks where you grow up in a dysfunctional environment and folks cannot fathom a live without emotional torment/mental suffering. "if i have broke my back suffering coming to the US, and xyz xys, so can you" doesn't fucking help. You're just projecting/displacing your woes. I'm all for hearing people's autobiographical stories but don't disguise it being a dick with your own hidden agenda. It sucks that I have to take time from working on my own journey that is age-appropriate to read advance psychoanalytic literature to subvert all these power struggles. It is that I choose to stand up to dysfunctional folks now that I can earnestly reap the uninhibited rewards in the future. It is because I choose to handle the situation with my mom now so I can alleviate future burden. Am I an asshole if I say fuck filial piety? what is that when you've grown up in an abusive household?

I grew up in the hood with my mom and I hate how I am constantly reminded that everyone else that surrounds me is wealthy (including my mom's estranged family). I hate how when I am running solo I feel comfortable with the clothes I wear, but when people recognize my style I feel like I can't live up to it or don't want to acknowledge it at all. People like to dress to the nines to impress, but I find myself with my best fit when I don't have to relate to folks. I'm also tired of dealing with the projection of other people's insecurities. I don't like it when people idolize or size-me up. And sometimes it can be very difficult wearing the shit I want to wear given the attention it attracts. I wear stuff that inevitably stands-out but I don't want to necessarily stand-out but then these clothes make me comfortable. I enjoy my steez in the moments when I'm most alone and away from crowds. idc about big celebrity self-promotion. If I could in a utopian world, I would very much prefer if folks can't register the clothes that other people wear in their minds and that you can't only register your own . I suppose the curated clothes I wear gives me comfort to endure whatnot life bullshit but it's really a pain in the ass sometimes.

i feel burned and i feel if i rekindle without regard to the past with my dad and all of family it would be a slap in the face. i put the bounty out with relatives for my dad to own up to his insecurities, so we can finally have a real relationship. time will tell. been playing ball leading up to this final count-down moment

My eyes are so bored of seeing shit beards everywhere. Feel like I might start shaving again daily but its such a hassle. Might just clip it short every week. Aside from anything else it's really ageing.

oh God I'm doing so bad in my classes right now. i hate to admit it, but it's the truth. I just hope my work will help me pull my grades back up. Kind of sad right now because of it though

I feel ya . I did a lot worse in my user experience course [half semester course] than i expected this semester and it bummed me out. be thankful you have the rest of the semester to still bring those grades up. dive headfirst into the rest of the semester and put in the effort, your grades will come back up. you can do it!

I found a grey hair

don't fret. i personally find silver foxes to be pretty shmexy



also i remember when my best friend found her first white hair, she was in the other room and started screaming hysterically. i ran in to see what's wrong and she was like "GET A SHARPIE!!!" and i sharpied the strand of hair back to black

I found my first white/grey hair 8 years ago. I'm 21... Doesn't seem to have spread beyond a handful of hairs though.

Wow I haven't been on here in a while, let alone to post something (i'm sure sure the exact time frame...just seems like a while). It was good taking a break from the internet fashion forums where I get trapped and feel the need to constantly compete with other users.

Life is pretty damn good. I've been working out 5 days a week and I'm really starting to see some gainz as the internet calls them. I inadvertently came upon a new hobby of mine: cooking. I didn't realize how much I love preparing my own food!...even though its only chicken for now on the Jack Foreman. I've started to explore more outlets of writing, the most being in blogs. I just got a spot on a men's site writing and have my own blog where I just write about whatever the hell I want. Job applications suck. I've had nothing as of yet...but still trying.

The only part of my life that is lacking is the female department. For once in my life I'm confident in myself enough to really want someone to share it with, but there hasn't been anything for a couple months. So I guess I'm pretty lonely. But hey, I have a bunch of projects that are going on and keeping me busy, so all is well. Love you guys/gals.

Realized that I have feelings for my ex (sort of have the whole time, somehow) and my current girlfriend and I are going towards a breakup, it looks like. Also trying to figure out where I'm transferring to school next year as a sophomore and I'm getting rather confused about that as well. Past couple of weeks have been weird.

the future is so terrifying

So, things have actually been really good for me lately. School is going pretty well, and other things are good for the most part. There's this girl that I've been talking to a lot lately, and it was pretty easy to tell she was interested in me quickly. But I was pretty hesitant at first, she seemed, I don't know, maybe just a little too exuberant for me? Lacking a bit of a filter I guess haha. But the more I've talked to her the more I've kind of warmed up to her. She came over my apartment last night since we were both struggling through studying for stuff (I should probably get back to studying now since my test is in an hour...) and we ended up talking for hours. Nothing much happened, but she's probably gonna come over tonight again and made plans for this weekend. Things seem to be obviously heading places if I want them to. Still not entirely sure how I feel about things, but it's nice to have someone I enjoy talking to and being with there, and its kind of fun to have a little uncertainty I guess. Gotta stay open to the possibilities you know? It's been nice.

Oh, had been talking to Ryce and halfway through the night I get a text just saying "Are you having sex yet?" Made me laugh out loud and the had to brush off questions on what I was laughing about. Thanks Ryce haha

You were having sex. I'm sure of it. Why else would you text back.

just ended a relationship of 3 and a half years. waiting for separation anxiety to creep in. waiting for the little things you shared with your SO that have been scattered around life to pop up and paralyze you. when someone else has been inextricably part of your reality for so long, you forget how lonely the world is.

i'm going to sleep.

It's so weird to have a friend suffering from depression. I mean, I've been depressed before, so I guess I always rationalized the feelings, but from the outside, its hard to make sense of why someone's in that state of mind.

My family (parents, siblings, siblings-in-law) can be pretty mean even if they don't intend to. They make fun of fabrics I choose to make stuff out of, they ask why I have such a feminine hobby (despite me pointing out that historically, men were the craftsmen, including tailors and seamsters). Before I got engaged, I would get questioned about my sexuality on a regular basis and no one believed I could be straight. This all came to a head (for me, emotionally) today when a) I forgot my depression medication two days in a row and b) I walked past my sister-in-law and mom on the way to the sewing machine who asked about my fabric choice and then I listened to them giggle about it for minutes on end while I'm just ironing and crap. Ugh.

I don't make fun of her stupid pinterest obsession with owls or her stupid 3,000$ wedding dress she had to have, or her stupid princess hobbies, or anything. Ugh. Ugh.

I reread the Harry potter series again for the umptheenth time and I always finish feeling incredibly happy and sad. I finished the first 6 in like 3 days, but took a week to finish the last one cuz I didn't want to actually finish it.

it's the same sort of overwhelming nostalgia that hits when I listen to the tarzan or lion king soundtrack