Feelings

[fountainstairs]

Okay yeah. I feel so out of the loop now. This girl I've been in love with for 2 years is soon to be single. She told me that, saturday at the bar and how she was going to be "so saaad ;)". I was like cool, bby give me sum fuk.

Then I got a message from one of her friends which detailed how basically I'd just be a rebound and she couldn't avoid hooking up with me, because well I'm weak. But never be together with me because i'm "yuuuuucccck."

I feel such a distaste for her, and I'm also furious at myself. I fucking knew I was going to be taken advantage of and still I was stringing myself up.


"yuuuuucccck."


"yuuuuucccck."

[harmsalmon]

final grades for this school year just came out and I am incredibly disgusted and disappointed about how poorly I did. I even got a D in ap language and composition, which, while due to not doing work more than anything, I still definitely expected to do the best in. not only that, but since 3rd grade I've been in this ridiculous accelerated gifted program (whose methods I condemn wholeheartedly, but that's another story) which is basically for kids who score in the 99.9th percentile on IQ and a few other tests, along with having skipped a grade. this is not me tooting my own horn though; not only do I have a distaste for this gifted program (which luckily has virtually 0 presence at the high school level), but I just feel extremely disappointed in myself, like I shouldn't be allowed to consider myself smart anymore after having done worse than easily any of my peers in the same gifted program and most of my friends. I mean, granted, it was partially due to both physical and mental health problems that rendered me essentially incapacitated the first month or so of second semester, but I'm still really upset because in retrospect I know I could have done better had I not just used that as an excuse to not complete assignments. and the consequences now just seem even worse..... like, I had always assumed that I would just get into my dream college or whatever with no problem but now its starting to look like that's just not a possibility. and I just don't know what to do about it.

sorry, sort of a crazy long rant, this all just sort of hit me all at once now that summer vacation has started and I have nothing going on to occupy my thoughts......

[sparkyoriental]

Hey - I'm sorry to hear that you did poorly in your class. I do want to comment on what you said about being "gifted." I kind of had similar experiences as you in high school in that I also skipped a grade in HS and I was always in gifted and talented programs. I think a lot of kids who grow up being told they're smart fall into the same trap. In some ways, that was a kind of mental "crutch" for me - I'm in accelerated programs, thus, I am smart. I'm taking multivariable calculus in high school, thus, I am smart, etc. I associated my "smartness" with being in gifted programs and being recognized by teachers, not my actual output. My GPA became how I measured my success and supposed intelligence.

I'm in college and working in the "the real world" now and my perspective has changed tremendously. I've had persistent health issues for the past 5 years that have resulted in hospitalizations about 1-2x a semester and missing ~20-30% of my classes, which which has been a huge impediment to my studies. I've found that not letting the extraneous stuff going on in my life act as an excuse be crucial to my success in school and in the workplace. Everyone has bullshit go on in their lives that affects their performance. Being "smart" is much more about managing your time, your assets, and your weaknesses. The smartest and most successful people I know are more resilient and tenacious than academically intelligent. Judge your intellectual worth with what you do.

That's just my 2 cents. This is all stuff that I wish I had known or believed in when I was 16-17. Just my opinion though.

And finally - don't be so hard on yourself! You messed on once. You'll have plenty of opportunities in the future. (smiling)

[inherently]

gonna give you some tough love/advice.

yeah, you fucked up. external circumstances aren't a big enough excuse to earn a D in a class. you didn't do the work, which is the only thing in life that matters. you know this, and you know that being smart in third grade doesn't mean shit. there's a point in life for everyone where we run into a brick wall after relying on intelligence and natural talent for too long.

use this as a wake-up call, and be fucking glad it happened now instead of in college or later. you have the time to learn from your mistakes. from now on, you will have to work to get what you want. the only things that will be given to you from now on are opportunities, and you have to make the most of them. you'll even have to fight to even get those opportunities now.

now write about it or do something so that you'll never forget how you feel right now. because you never want to feel this way ever again. because it feels like shit. and then bury it deep inside of yourself, because it's in the past now. you can't change it, so don't obsess over it for too long.

but the next time you recognize that you're starting to slip or mess up, remember how you feel right now. use it as motivation to keep on working hard, because you never want to feel this way again. now go do something productive, like working on your college essays (explaining why you got a D and what you've learned because of it is a good topic) or finding a job. because it's not the end of the world, and you still have a long future ahead of you.

[thatbiglake]

nn

[thatbiglake]

nn

[purkinje]

Really weird disconnect and change in social dynamic as everyone finishes up their grade school life. Never going to see 95% of these people again in a few months. Melancholy.

make the most of your summer but make sure you're prepared to deal with them as a couple and see pda and all that bs between her and her bf without getting hurt about it. It fucking sucks being around someone you have feelings for while they're with someone else.

[raags]

i rly think you should stop trying to date someone who is in a relationship

edit:

@thebiglake i know you've said "way ahead of you, not tryna do that" but your actions are dictating the absolute opposite. i mean holy shit you have a list of dates (regardless of what you call them, doing these things with a girl who you are super into is totally akin to a date) to do with her in the summer and you are clearly extremely into her. not only is this awfully disrespectful to her boyfriend, and her relationship, you will only get more and more attached as you share these experiences with her and either she will or you will have to deal with the inevitable shitstorm from her partner when he realises how you feel and the things you are doing/are planning on doing together.

[smiles]

if she knows that you're into her and she's making plans like that with you while at the same time trying to be with this other guy that's not really fair to the dude or to yourself. Maybe it's totally platonic, but 1. the other guy certainly wont see it that way and 2. it's not going to end up platonic.

sounds like she's trying to have it both ways.

In my experience, convincing yourself that you are 'totally not into her anymore in that way' is not powerful enough to stop those pangs heading right back when you see her/ hang out with her especially in situations that sound like dates.

If it was me, I would either try not to see her or talk to her for a while or make friends with the boyfriend (if you don't know him). Assuming he's a good guy and not a dickhead you'll be more inclined to see this situation in a more balanced light. think about it, you're only getting one side of the story at this point and it's basically set up as a pathway towards a relationship with her (which she doesn't seem to be putting out of the question) when in reality she could be saying different things to her boyfriend.

[venilla]

i've been trying to take advantage of all the opportunities presented to me in community college and as some of you may know, i applied for this nasa internship and passed my interview. i didn't get it, but i am proud of myself for making the effort to do something since i've been suffering from pretty bad social anxiety in large groups since highschool. i also applied for a officer position for a honor society, but tied with someone else and loss in the run-off election. i'm not really bummed over it, it was a fun experience that i'm glad i had the chance to be apart of. i cried tonight with happy tears because for once in my life i actually feel a bit confident with myself

[lee3jm]

Weird feels. Been on a roadtrip for the past week and been connecting real well with the group. But today we got to san Francisco and they all wanted to hit up bars. I'm the only one under 21 so I just sorta wandered when I got shut down at the door. Weird that all except one guy didn't want to just come up with another solution. I get that they want to experience nightlife in sf but I feel like there's more to it. It's making me feel like a burden but I also feel like they're creating a situation where I have to be a burden. Kinda dissapointing to be prioritized after bars and drinking. Not really trying to chill with them tomorrow night. If anyone knows some stuff I could do late night in sf let me know. Also down to hang with care taggers and take a break from the group.

[ramseames]

i don't want to be a dick and obvs this depends on the size of the group you're with/context but did you actually think they wouldn't go drinking at all the whole time dude?

[lee3jm]

I did/do but it was more how it unfolded that was wack in which previously, if something didn't work out we would split up or find an alt solution and that's chill, I would be down to do my own thing because I do know they want to go to bars. But this time the way everything unfolded sort of put me in this weird situation where I split up with one dude and we were supposed to meet up when they were done. But when we met back up they tried to do the bar thing again but when it didn't work they put this "you're a burden" jizz on me. I know that on a whole they don't feel that way and that they wanted me to get in but just sucks that their reactions were what they were. So, basically, not mad that they want to drink nor surprised since this wasn't the first occurrence but not feeling good that they repeatedly put me in a situation where I was going to be the burden and reacted in kind. Maybe I'm overthinking the situation, overreacting, or read the vibes wrongly but I feel like that's the point of feeltalk, put out raw emotions in order to develop them into more thoughtful feelings.

[anonomous]

I'm back in my home country for Summer and it probably wasn't the best decision to come back.

1. I guess I'm still not over my ex. We were together for about 6 years but I broke up with her about 1.5 years ago after I came to the UK simply because she communicated with me less and less because she was busy with her A levels. So i thought i'd give her a few months (6 months) to make some effort to communicate more, and well, she didn't but instead, she got more busy. So during these 6 months, I knew our relationship wasn't gonna work out so i thought to myself, if i left her earlier in the year, she'd have about a year of time to recover (she used to be suicidal and have made a few attempts at her own life before, so i had to take this into consideration.) and study for her A levels the next year but if i had kept on being together, she would've succumbed to the pressure of the breakup (which would've eventually happened) and her studies. I explained this to her and she understood and was okay with it at the time. 2 years pass, my plan actually works, the break up didn't affect her academically. However she started treating me super cold after some time and wants absolutely nothing to do with me, which i understand of course. But what's worse is that my friends and family keep asking me about her because they liked her a lot and it just gets to me sometimes.

2. I think i have insomnia. I can never sleep until late into the night and i always wake up an hour or two after sleeping. I'm also a light sleeper so any noise will wake me up. I'm also jet lagged right now so yeah, I'm quite fucked. The feeling of being physically and mentally tired yet not being able to fall asleep is just the worst ever. There's no zzzyquil or sleep-aid over the counter in pharmacies here or in UK.

3. The exams I was least confident in, i passed with flying colours. The exam i was most confident in, i failed but by only 4% to the pass mark. I've passed the module already due to getting a high coursework mark but i might need to cut my summer holiday short and fly 15 hours back to the UK just for a resit. I email-ed the lecturer to see what he could do and he said he'd discuss my case with the heads, since i've already passed the module and am only 4% away from passing the minimum for the exam. I explained to my parents about it and i could see the disappointment in my dad's eyes. Being asian also automatically puts a lot of pressure on me to perform well.

This is probably the lowest i've been this year and i don't know what to do. I can't sleep it off because i can't sleep and the pressure just keeps building up.

[fun_yunchables]

[raags]

fuck i miss my ex a lot

[eskdc]

Dating for the first time as a 25 year old. Seeing this girl I've gone on a lot of dates with, and is down to spend more time with me, but still feel she's a little distant. I dunno if it's just her personality at this point. I think on my side, I'm ok with whatever comes out of it in the end as long as I learn from it you know, but I also have to think about her being in my friend circle if things taper off. Definitely having "the talk" sometime soon, but you know...it's one of those things eating at me that "fuck, is that what I missed not dating all these years?"

[agvs]

[smiles]

Obviously clichéd, but having come to a point where I'm required to make some Big Changes in my life I find myself floundering and lost for direction. my own Rational justifications leave me unsatisfied while emotional appeals conjure a sense of closed eye freefalling. I don't know what I want. My choices are:

1. Having received offers from a Masters program in London, I could jet off there with reckless financial abandon and put myself into significant debt. Scholarships and such while an option, at this point are hard to come buy and would not put a significant dent in the debt burden. I have essentially abandoned this option for various (obvious) reasons.

2. The obviously more sensible path would be to wait a year and find employment of some kind to reduce the amount of debt and perhaps gain relevant experience. I could also apply for (frankly) better MA programs assuming my final grades turn out as expected. I would also have the opportunity to apply for more scholarships. Sounds like the best option right? It it, but the emotional/psychological negative aspects continue to nag me.

2A. In the fullest expression of financial responsibility I would have to move back to Vermont, USA. While I would love to live with my family and pets again, I'm not sure how long I could stand living there given my total Lack of Interest as well as the negligible amount of Art History related jobs available, especially paid ones. Staying there with not many friends for at least nine months has the potential to wreak havok on my emotional well-being.

2B. Remain in Hong Kong. The obvious downside to this is that even though the stated purpose of my year long sojourn would be to save money due to the rent/living cost, I doubt I would be much better off after a year. Of course delaying by a year would yield other possibilities for decreasing the cost the MA through scholarships and such but in terms of actual capital it would not be significant. On the other hand, opportunities in Hong Kong have the potential to be greater and more interesting provided I can find them.

Of course I will take one of the second options as it would be grossly irresponsible to not do so. It would also give me time to decide if I want an MA. I think it would be best for me as I am definitely not cut out for marketing or advertising or 'social media'. I can't stand the insincerity and I can't fake it.

On the personal side, I'm not sure how any of these paths would reflect my relationship with my girlfriend. Our relationship has taken on a kind of one-track finality (in the eyes of our friends as well) that makes me nervous. On paper, everything is fine/happy and there's no reason for me to end it but that doesn't stop me from wondering. Self-sabotage in the interest of remaining intangible. To present a smoky outline of my self. To be 'cool' and read in cafes and go on dates with other similarly smoky nonpeople. To be a caricature even though I know it's one. To avoid caricature with sincerity. But I'm not dealing just with myself. There's another human I love who I would cast away for some smoky outline. It seems so cruel and selfish. And in realising my half desire maybe it means I should end it, or I don't deserve her. Or maybe it doesn't and it's normal. I resent having to make this decision that I've arbitrarily constructed.

All these stupid clichés seem to becoming true but they aren't as flat when they're happening to me.

[agvs]

[eskdc]

[bueno]

^ Maybe I have an immature view on relationships as I'm still pretty young but if you're interested just kiss her or something (also a good way to find out if she is not interested lol). Talking only gets you so far sometimes (obviously good communication is vital to any relationship though). If you would want a relationship with her you should just show/tell her how you feel. Obviously being part of the same friend group might be an issue as someone would probably end up worse off at the end but u might also regret not trying.

[nick]

- might make sense, but don't let it define who you are! that sounds super corny, but some people just hole themselves into the 'aspergers' category and use it as an excuse to act like an anti-social asshole.

I was diagnosed with it at the age of 10 or so. despite academic excellence, couldn't function at all in a classroom - they put my twin brother (also aspie) and i in a separate room by ourselves and a teacher, then put me in an alternative school at one point then gave me a teachers aide once I returned, which is a pretty big form of shame. after that shit I learned that I had to try really damn hard to control myself, because that's not the life I wanted to live. empathy can be a learned skill, almost to a fault. nowadays I get too anxious when I think I might have possibly upset someone/caused them stress, but I'm attempting to learn to give fewer fucks!

of course, it's up to you to decide who you want to be as a person - but just never feel you're automatically some type of person because the diagnosis. good luck! if you have any questions feel free to hit me up

[Suquida]

[cormac]

I can't believe I graduate high school today. I'm so excited for the rest of my life! I don't really have anything to do at this very moment, and I can feel jitters starting to come on.

[maj]

that excitement dwindles quickly as you realise the rest of your life is like high school, but without the friends, security or copious amounts of expendable income but just a 9-5 husk of what you used to be reminiscing about how you wish you were back in high school.

[youtube]5PHQ5QdNj9U&feature=kp[/youtube]

[papabear]

Landed a paid internship at a startup marketplace. So excited to start working next week. Only downside is I have to commute to Santa Monica everyday. With LA traffic = 3hrs+ of sitting in my car in the midst of a snail race. Besides singing how can I pass time faster or even productively?

[fun_yunchables]

how far away are you staying from santa monica? i know some of my friends live in manhattan beach and commute to venice for work by bicycle and it's not too bad from what they say

anyway for long commutes audiobooks are excellent!

[nevergreen]

girls are sooooooooooo confusing goddamn

[popcorn]

Hey guys, not really MY feels, but wow does my family have it happening.

My brother is a really, really good student for South Carolina, and just graduated from the best math & science hs program outside of Charleston. He wasn't top of the class in GPA, but was overwhelmingly successful in research and AP's, enough to get into Columbia UV. The one in New York City. His girlfriend is headed to China for this summer, because her biological father is the kind of Chinese businessman who sends his daughter Gucci sunglasses and wants to see her. She's headed to an in-state school (though they prospected Boston UV, Vancouver UV, and NYU) afterwards, and Ben and I are going to be out for the grand majority of July, so I think these are Ben's last weeks being around her.

Meanwhile in the old hemisphere, my mother's mother is also going through a stint of bad health. However blessed Danish healthcare may be, she's been diagnosed with some form of a disorder with her hypothalamus, and now Alzheimer's, though she's remarkably apt for having Alzheimer's... Anyway, we're going to be in Denmark for a few weeks so we can see her.

Distance is a bugger. As smiley as I am being a teenager headed to cities I fantasize about, it really puts a damper on the experience knowing this will be the last month I spend joined at the hip with my brother and this could well be the last time we get to spend with Mors-mor. Fuck.

In the meantime, I need to grind through some summer classes for a footing in school next year. Fuck it all, really.