care-tags.org

I can drink one cup of coffee per day max and I have to make sure nothing stressful happens to me for the rest of the day or I spiral out into a free falling, fractal panic with no respite or end. Also if I drink coffee after about 5 I don't sleep properly.

I mainly drink decaff.

PM nankid thread.

I can drink as much coffee as I want before noon and I'll be fine. After lunch, I'll start to feel the wires in my brain.

Maybe once or twice in my life have I felt like coffee elevated my energy... I drink tons of coffee all day (including the evening) and basically don't notice anything :\

Painting and drawing are really therapeutic pastimes. Been painting for about 4 hours a day over the past 4 days and my sense of general well-being is at a high.

lol I guess I'm technically homeless

Temporarily I hope...?

Followup on my previous bitching about girl stuff. Kissed a girl from my group in Spain and had a mini relationship that we were able to end maturely when the trip ended. Feeling a lot more confident about myself, which is nice.

I just got back from a month away in Scotland, England, and Sweden, and I've never missed someone as much as I missed my girlfriend. During the last week of the trip I was thinking about her constantly and I had moments where I was just having pangs for her. And when I finally saw her it was incredible and we held each other and cuddled and kissed for hours and I realized that I'm so in love and never felt so in love before in my life.

I also met up with a friend of mine that moved to Bermuda a year ago and it was really great as well as kind of sad. Somehow we ended up talking about how scary it is that we're growing up and have to decide who we want to be. She was saying that her dad didn't know what to do when he was young, so he travelled around China and Korea teaching english and trying all the drugs he could. And he's such a mellow, normal guy and its kind of scary and comforting at the same time that he managed to figure things out and be a dad with a good job. But I don't really want that or even know if thats a goal that I should want. She had to go after that conversation and I left feeling pretty down. It was really interesting because we never really connected emotionally in that way before, but I find that everyone my age that I talk to about life after high school is in the same boat as I am. Also watched Boyhood the day before this and Kings of Summer the day before that, so I've been feeling a happy about my life right now, but a bit lost and wistful when it comes to the future.

just want to feel loved by someone.

lol whatever. life is weird and dumb.

First day of my first ever proper job tomorrow... Oh shiiiit!

Going to the Adirondacks for a week of hiking and kayaking and campfire songs and such, not bringing any c-t enabled devices. See y'all next week! (smiling)

Just read through the last two years of my grandfather's journal/life. He watched a lot of sports, read sometimes more than a book a day, and for 90 years old, he was as sharp as could be. Felt good that in the last few entries he mentions me coming over to bring him the paper and have a talk.

He passed away when I was 16 and I so wish I got more time with him. Born in 1917, did rough work to get through the great depression, served in two wars, and I feel like he passed before I was mature enough to appreciate what a gift it was to be able to talk to him.

Miss him :(

@amikrumpingnow, I know the feeling. I went through some photo albums at my grandmother's place. Although it was nice to remember him, it created a sad void within myself. Him and I would probably get along better now. He always expected me to act and be more grown-up. (On my 6th birthday he got me an axe and a beer :') )

I miss my grandfather too.

oof this subject is pretty tender for me. my grandfather has recently been diagnosed with alzheimers. He's always been a bit forgetful and has pretty severe hearing loss, so it's difficult to perceive if he understands what you're saying sometimes, so there haven't been any major noticeable changes yet. My mom suggested I visit my grandparents more often so I try to go once a week or so during my lunch-break (I work like 3 minutes away from their house). My grandmother gives me chips and pickles and my grandfather tries to understand what I do for work ("I make websites")

I have all four of my grandparents, which I gather is unusual. My mom's dad has slight dementia, and they've all had various issues (nothing too serious), but I can't really think of them being gone. I'm sure something will happen soon, but I don't really know how I'll deal with it. I've never lost a close family member. Even if I'm not really as close as I'd like, I imagine it'll be tough to see what my parents go through.

a few days ago in I was eating breakfast in the morning, some chick commented to me how she gets as much bacon as I do and i gave her some restless response, and when she left she tossed a napkin with her name and number telling me to "call her sometime"

despite not being so much physically attracted (but I kind of forgot what she looked like now) to her (she did have a peculiar fashion sense which I was checking her out), i think we had a nice momentary spark but then I can't find the damn napkin anymore - hope she won't feel blown off if she runs into me again.. my mind is so fucked these days (stressed out) and I just wanted to tell her she's a cool chick for the effort she put out :S

got a text from my ex today that said,

"Kyle are you okay? I realize I'm the last person you'd want to confide in but I worry."

I don't understand why she worries. I'm confused.

- we didn't break up badly and for the most part i'd say we're on friendly terms/friends. just haven't talked in a while as it's been too hard for me.

I'm working at a kid's home and one of the young boys came running in crying. He had been beaten up by some of the other boys because they thought he hadn't done his cleaning up after lunch, not only was this completely out of order in the first place but he actually had cleared up and the mess had been left by one of the boys beating him up. In dealing with this I found out that there was a history of these boys victimising this kid, they'd attack him because he wet the bed sometimes, an issue probably made worse by the bullying, and because he was a bit messy and forgetful.

That's all horrible but what I found out they had tried to do last night just made me sick. This is a third world country so the place the boys live doesn't have proper toilet facilities so they use some bucket that's normally round the back of the building but gets taken inside at night times. The previous night, the boy who seemed to be a ringleader in the bullying had layed down a load of broken glass around the bucket and told Tojo (the victim here) to go and collect it, barefoot, in the evening after he had deliberately had the lights turned off so the glass wasn't visible. Luckily Tojo somehow found a way to the bucket without encountering the glass and returned with his feet undamaged, much to the annoyance of this other boy. This goes beyond playground bullying and into premeditated acts of violence, I was disgusted when I found out about it, these kids are only 12 years old as well. The perpetrator seemed sorrier that he'd been caught than for what he did when we confronted him about it.

Tojo is the sweetest kid you'll ever meet as well, he's never been violent towards anyone, heck he doesn't even fight back when getting attacked by the others. I just don't get how kid's can be so cruel to eachother.

^I think proper empathy is one of those things most people only find around their 30s, and that's if theyre lucky

What's worse is the fact that my Visa runs out today and I have to go back to England. I feel terrible having to leave the poor boy on his own, I was one of his best friends at the home after his other guy friends had returned to their families. The boys who did it are being dealt with I hear so that's good I guess.

in the continuing saga of dumbass decisions i make regarding my ex. i just helped her fix her bike as it broke and she crashed like a block away from my house. i need to stop doing stuff like this because i get a shitty mix of emotions and feelings afterwards, even though it's fine during the present.

edit: i'm not saying the act of helping her out was dumb, i would do that 100% of the time because I care about her and all that. it's just that i still have feelings for her and seeing her and chatting for a while leaves me with a weird mix of emotions/sadness afterwards which makes me feel a little dumb, that she's moved on and i haven't. i have no animosity towards her, she's a wonderful girl.

i'm probably just dumb and overthinking things at night again. idk. just wanted to sort of "vent" this somewhere since i don't really have any other outlets for it. thanks guys.

thats just being a nice person dude, helping someone out

i was talking with my dad over dinner today about how his aunt and cousins would be visiting us in a few weeks. he told me that in his childhood, he never really had many fond memories about these relatives. he explained that while living in korea, my grandma was the eldest of six sisters and that she worked to support the family financially, even using up her savings to pay for her father's (my great grandfather's) medical treatments when he was ill. despite this, my dad feels that she never really gained the respect of her other siblings because she was so poor. he told me a story from his childhood of how when the youngest of these six sisters was married, he and my grandma had to attend the wedding in plain clothes, because they were unable to afford formal attire. he tells me that that was probably the saddest he's ever cried.

i've never seen my father cry, but he did so as he was telling this story to me. i've always wanted to support my family in the future to help them live comfortably, but i guess it really hit me tonight how hard my parents have worked to raise me and support me. i think i take a fuckton of things for granted, and i can really start to understand some of my father's frustrations with me regarding my work ethic and such. i want to become a harder worker, and a person that my parents can be proud of

tl;dr kyung realizes he should probably work harder and be a better person

4 days in and I am loving swim season, wow. My ~bestie~ is back from regionals so practices are gonna get more fun. They've been very relaxed. Also my swimming is getting a lot better, just in this week, lol. My free got a lot more comfortable today, I think by the regular season my form will be something like what it was when I quit year round.

It's definitely much better doing high school sports as a junior. This is my 5th year, having started in seventh grade (the first moment possible), and the difference in respect and the way people treat you is immense. There's a lot of psychology behind the way a 100 person, 6-grade team interacts at developmental age. And then the psychology deepens because our interaction is totally thrown for a loop by the fact that we're at all times judging each other on physical ability in dry land (running) - which is totally more dependent on age and size - as well as swimming - which is much more dependent on expertise. It's weird. All that matters is that I'm having a lot of fun and exercise in the sun. It's been a good week.\

EDIT: My stroke is Back ;-) but there's only the 100 back in the high school season, so I'm also pushed into 200 or 500 free depending on which Thomas is doing that year :-), my best swim of all time was a 200 back in the 11-12 age group.

according to spotify, two years ago today was the first time I listened to "Kiara" and "Kong" by Bonobo

it's been a long way, but I've loved u more every day bonoby, happy twofer

This morning while I was driving to work I encounter a school bus. The bus didn't have its lights flashing or its stop sign out so I assumed that it had finished picking up the kids and was about to start driving again. I drive on at the speed limit when the bus suddenly starts honking aggressively and puts its stop sign out. I slam on my brakes and stop right in front of the bus. The bus driver starts screaming at me and pointing at the extended stop sign. The second I stopped, a little girl, maybe 1st grade, jumps in front of my car and darts the other direction towards the bus.

My heart stopped! I completely didn't notice the little girl (she had run perpendicular to my car so it was impossible to see her since I was looking forwards and not towards the right) and if I had stopped 3 seconds later there's a good chance I could have hit her.

I spent the rest of the drive ruminating about what I would have done if I had hit her and (my god) injured her or worse.

Drive safely.

ugh man I have to quickly vent (should be a post in my own thread), first night at my mom's place and my mom has to get hyperaroused and projection/depicting/verbally attacking me in all directions; Despite being less sucked into her vortex of frantic blackhole of meanderings, I'm calling her out and it just leads to pointless time-wasting conversations all because of her freaking insecurity. Basically the only way she can regulate her thoughts is utilizing me as a "needs gratifying object"and as a "transitional object" - and after everything is said and done, she returns back to her "baseline" normal state.

I just want to get over these "mom issues" and move on with my life and with dating. The self-preservation/self-sacrifice I'm doing now is an emotionally tough one - I'm resisting against the pathologizing of my mom's unresolved trauma - yet it comes into the conflicts of the maternal connection/parental support (my dad as well and relatives) that I'm lacking right now in my endeavors. For the folks that know how much of a nut I can be online especially in the past, just picture how I am 10x but in IRL which is my mom :/

any my posts online are word salad and more world salad everywhere - idk maybe fashion was my salvation to be able to express myself viscerally or else idk what i'd do with all these oscillating/up-and-though stressful thoughts