care-tags.org

i'm closing a feeling

Adjusting to college has been weird, exhausting, a tad awkward, a tad homesick, and scary at times, but it's finally starting to feel like I belong here, which I was really kind of questioning for the first few days. Boston is a beautiful city.

My boyfriend's friend (who I also knew) killed himself on Sunday. Slit his wrists. Good and insightful guy but also had deep turmoil within him. Maybe he can finally be at peace. His dad also .

Please, if anyone is feeling down and out seek out the help you need and don't be ashamed. There are a lot of people who care about you (more than you would think).

Y best mate mobed inup thd roadftom le and hes working

O cany get a job cause i did astupid degree
I've no money

I've jusy sloit uo with my gf

I had to go to the bank so i missed the london meet up

I know that i gabe nothing to vomplain about bit its shit at the moment

I've been seeing my ex girlfriend around a lot lately. I broke up with her. Every time I see her I have a weird combination of guilt and relief and just total insecurity and anxiety. On the one hand I know that I hurt her more than anyone I've ever hurt before. On the other hand I know that I still broke up with her for a reason, that I didn't want to be with her anymore. But there was a long period of time where she was the only person in my corner, including myself, and it's hard to let that go.

been feeling super depressed lately. lost interest in pretty much everything, even clothes (good for my wallet i guess). i just end up sitting in my room doing fuck all when i'm not at school or work. can't bring myself to talk to anyone irl about it. the last time i talked to my grandparents about this sort of thing a little over a year ago it just resulted in nagging and arguments, which I don't really want to get back into. therapy left a really bad taste in my mouth too so idk what talking to someone would even achieve really.

work is good though bc it keeps me busy and my mind off stuff, but that's only 1 day a week. hopefully the school holidays coming up will be good because i'll be working more but idk

you should start exercising or pick up an instrument. something constructive that you can make progress on. it helps.
and torukun, i'm going through exactly the same thing as you. my ex and i go to school together but we broke up over the summer when it was long distance. now that i'm back at school i've been seeing her and it's rough.

before we broke up it sucked but now I'm so glad my ex goes to school 40 min away and lives 2 hours away.

so a bike got stolen out of our garage again and this time someone definitely came through the back door which means they had to go around the side of the house into our backyard and try to get in without even knowing if the door would be locked. I am super pissed right now

From this day on I am no longer using the word faggot or gay. Never a-fucking-gain. I can't believe what a shit head I was

Alright I've calmed down a bit. I'll explain a bit, I learned my (twin) brother was gay yesterday he wrote me a letter to me and he brought up my use of those words and I was MAD and ashamed at myself. On a happier note I got this ribbon from CleanThug, with my WTAPS jeans. Pretty perfect for the current situation if I do say so myself (smiling)

gonna give a shoutout to for being a super rad guy and putting up with my ex's ridiculousness to get me back my camera/stuff. Should've said this in person but this weekend or whenever your first few drinks are on me.


I still can't believe she didn't just talk to me about it tho. damn.

Girlfriend came for a 4 day visit I referenced earlier in this thread.. her first time in Canada and spending over 2 grand and 28 hours travel time to spend a few days in Saskatchewan, Canada really meant a lot to me. Was awesome how well it went, family loved her despite there being a slight language barrier and she got along with my mom super well. She does fashion design and her and my mom started bringing out my grandma's old clothes and old sewing machines and she absolutely loved it. She had never been outside of major cities really having grown up in Seoul and studying in Tokyo, so a farm in the middle of Canada was a shock I didn't know how she'd like but she loved it. Between that and the language/culture barrier with my parents I was a little worried, but it all went awesome and her and my parents love eachother.

The last day we went to a nearby hutterite colony which was a really cool experience for myself as well. Huge relief now that she has met my whole family and it went well, but also a huge downer now that she's gone and it's back to life as usual until we can see eachother again in a few months.

yay unh

Well I have wifi and a home now, but aside from that everything is still a mess. At least I can run from my problems on the internet again.

Just accepted a full time job offer in downtown Chicago following my graduation next May!!!

rjbman most eligible bachelor, date me already would you?

My dad's a 9/11 survivor (worked in the Trade Center). Today's always weird, but I've never felt this "bad". It's not even bad, I've just been in a funk all day, which hasn't been helped by little homework and one class today. I talked to my parents, which was really helpful, but it's hard to talk to people IRL about what happened and how I feel about it. I don't even know exactly how I feel about it.

I'm mostly angry at how the attacks were exploited by Republicans and Democrats alike, and how the origins of anti-American sentiment have barely been explored, and they just attack the Middle East in retaliation with no care for civilian casualties or the post-invasion phase, which just causes more animosity.

I don't have tons of memories of the day, just little bits of where I was after school (a neighbor's house) and like having to go to another neighbor's house to watch TV (we didn't have cable at the time and NYC Metro area TV was broadcast from the WTC). I'm probably also just exhausted from the first couple weeks of college, but it's really hard to talk to people right now.

idk just venting. I need to do Spanish homework and go to bed early.

I know this is really minor but at some point in the last week both my keys and watch disappeared and I can't find them and it's got me really bummed out. I spent a really long time trying to find that watch (apc x carhartt if six was nine) for a price i was happy to pay and to have it be gone after all that work just sorta is ruining my mood entirely. I feel like this shouldn't be affecting me as much as it is and i'm wondering if it could be a symptom of something else?

I feel like I’ve lost the ability to 'want' and it sucks. The two ‘fields’ where I feel this the most is with clothes and girls. For clothes I’m at a stage where I dislike a lot of the clothes I own and I want to buy something else, but there is just not really anything that can get me properly worked up where I feel like spending the money. For girls it’s sort of the same thing, I’m meeting a ton of new girls with uni starting and while there are very pretty ones and nice ones. However none of them give me feelings I've have before where I wanted to chase after them, it's like I can't rekindle any feelings of lust.

It was only yesterday that it dawned on me that these two realms probably are connected and I think I know where I’m going wrong, but I don’t know the fix. I’m fairly sure the problem is that my standards have become too high, I’m looking for something ‘perfect’ and dismissing when all my criteria aren’t fulfilled. I’m not sure, but I suspect these high standards might come from me being the most self-confident I have been in probably forever, I just very much enjoy the place I’ve come to personality-wise and I guess that might be giving me some sense that I ‘deserve’ more than I can realistically expect.

I just felt like ranting and getting it off my chest.

Randomly (it's not random it's when I think about money) become consumed with the fear that the job I'm in currently is pretty much the best job I'm ever going to get and all I can do is sort of creep up the ladder. If I wanted to do something better I feel like I'd have to get back into casual programming but I find that pretty difficult given the fact I'm programming all day and seem to be heaping on the non programming commitments (Gym shit, tennis shit, poetry shit, friends 'n' family shit)

Try to convince myself that gym tennis poetry friends family are all more important than CAREER MINDEDNESS but it's hard when your friends are either earning 15 grand more than you or about to graduate from Cambridge and start earning 15 grand more than you without seemingly needing to give up all that much for it.

Sometimes life feels like a game I lost long before I realised I was playing.

I get what you mean bela. All I can say is that when you look at take home pay the difference between what seems like a huge increase in pay amounts to not very much a month. Better to be doing something you quite like and have good quality of life than to freak out over career shit.

That said I've been working on mine and have not had a moments rest in weeks - with none on the horizon. STORY is doing great - but if Katy wasn't in it with me neither of us could cope. Full time work, freelance and all kinds of stuff is knackering - i dont even have time to pop in here much anymore.

I feel like I worry too much about whether people like me after first meeting them. I get really paranoid and think back to the mistakes I made in conversation. I focus too much on these things rather than the overall feeling of whatever interaction it was. I don't consider myself an introvert or socially anxious, just want people to think I add value and that I'm not weird or a jerk. So yeah, the Care-Tags meeting was very stressful for me definitely glad I went though. It was really nice talking with people that are equally interested in clothing. Not an experience that I had in a "real world" setting.

I don't know how I feel about the internet fashion community lately. I think sometimes I think I use the internet fashion to seek out acceptance that I never really got in highschool. Everyone thought I dressed weird, they said my supreme hats and t shirts were fake. People that knew I had an interest in fashion always found it odd and said things along the lines of "if you are interested in fashion why do you dress so strangely". It wasn't that I didn't have friends, it's just I wanted to fit in to the student body without changing what I wore etc. The care-tags meeting was great to me really because nobody questioned what I wore, but it made me think about my role in the "internet fashion" community.

Lately (very self diagnosed) I think I use internet fashion to seek out approval that I didn't get from my peers and from my parents. In my school most of the attention was focused on my twin, and for good reason, because he is an incredibly good student. If there is one thing I hate about being a twin it's the incessant fucking comparisons that people have to make between us i.e. who's the smarter twin, who's the better looking twin, who's the funniest twin. Any way my brother got most of the positive attention from students, my parents etc. I feel like it's partially (mostly) my fault first I tried way to hard to compete with my brother rather than growing into my own person. But I can't compete with him when it came to school so I gave up on school basically. I did fuck all my senior year barely managed to get a 2.8 GPA.

I don't know if the approval I'm getting from this forum is a good or a bad thing anymore. All I know is that downvotes and upvotes, plus rep neg rep affects me way more than it should affect any normal person. So I'm always very anxious at the kind of reaction I will get when I post or talk to people. But anxiety doesn't stop me having a good time posting. Maybe it's a healthy anxiety?. I think it's good that for the first time I finally care about what other people think of me as a person, not what people think about how I dress or me as a person compared to my brother.

Feels good to let this out

Edit: my bro just showed me this DFW quote that I think sums up how I feel sometimes “You will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do.”

On one hand it's good that people don't think about me because then they can't think bad of me but I want people to think good things about me. I guess to be liked by some you have to be disliked by some.

I think I have the same problem with you BiGBEE, I think we relate pretty well at the meetup. maybe ur just in the wrong social environments at the wrong time - if u were in the inner-city, you'd totally fit in with your fucking gear and ppls would embrace u. baggy jeans, af1s, and tnf, and more sneakers? c'mon my du - sounds like suburban problems to me really.

Like, I don't like none of that Supreme shit that I grew up with kids around me wearing. IDK I dress somewhat "neatly" and have had aforementioned qualms about "what if my life would be if I went to prep school". I was the first to wear skinny H&M jeans and get into the whole fashion conscious thing beyond the streetwear level. So in turn, I don't really fit in completely with my crowd, because I in a way outcast myself. It's a real double-consciousness and cognitive dissonance to bear. I a bit more intellectual and studious and outwardly somewhat compatible with "non-ghetto" folks that keeps me at odds, than the cats I know and associate with.

For me, I can't really get approval because I don't and will never fit into the clean-cut prep school type of jizz. I come from an ignorant self-destructive ratchet hood politically incorrect culture, it is my default state of thinking, where I try to incessantly overcompensate by being and appearing "normal". But sometimes it's just second nature to talk like a Idiosyncratically like a "retard" and say dumb sarcastic derogatory shit because such world did not encompass so much vocabulary/literacy/articulation, where we have euphemisms and short-hands for everything.

I have the biggest anxiety with typical meet-ups because of this, because not many of y'alls come from such social background and relational dynamics that I have - despite coming together online in this shared community. It's hard on me too, sometimes. The place of the meetup can be stressful too for me because the crowd is completely the antithesis to the world I revert back to IRL. TLDR wearing Barbour and LVC gives me anxiety/double-bind-feels whichever direction I go. sometimes I just want to quit internet fashion because I just want to go back to being me without the incompatible hiccups and misunderstandings! :/

Thanks for letting me piggyback on your feels, its great to get it off my nutz, deez nuts motherfuckas

Had my annual performance review at work today, and while mostly good (ended up with a $1 raise) I was given some feedback that kind of unsettled me. I was told that I need to "not call people names" and that I had called someone in the office (they didn't say who) a negative / profane name (they didn't say what word/term/whatever) and that it had really offended them. I don't remember saying anything close to something that could be considered negative/derogatory/profane at work ever, like I'm really conscious about keeping a professional and courteous tone.

And now I'm super worried about who did I offend and why did they think I offended them and it's kind of stressing me out. I don't like to be thought of as mean or offensive, especially when I know that I've never said anything to anyone in the office with ill intent. This whole thing is like really bumming me out.

Stuff like this makes me feel like crap.

I wish there was some way to force people to get help who really need it. Like there's this one kid who has some really messed up ways of dealing with consent and is totally going to hurt someone and probably end up raping someone, yet there's nothing we can do except watch this slow motion trainwreck happen.

i switched majors at the beginning of this semester and i'm feeling more satisfied than i've ever been. i'm actually interested in the material being taught in class, i feel inspired to engage in more on campus clubs and activities, and just feeling more energized than ever

i feel like i'm finally taking care of my needs and wants and what i ultimately want to pursue in the future and i've been so happy these days :-)

everything is coming up millhouse

Ugh- I think I'm having some bad "overdose/severe" side effects of my new replacement Seroquel; Abilify . I'm getting mouth and tongue spasms " Abnormal Movements of Face Muscles and Tongue" as well as "Extrapyramidal Reaction"; I was extremely restless and fidgety and could not sit still at a lecture tonight - I also left my program earlier unannounced because of xyz

false alert; I called the psychatrist on-call and he said that it is a normal reaction; and to take some benadryl :/ (smiling)

Okay so a couple of you guys have said that i could do something for this kid. Does anyone have any suggestions? it's pretty widely known that he's creepy and has some trouble with how he views women. But i'm not sure too many people know the full extent of it. The thing is that i haven't spoke to him in like 3 years and met his parents once in middle school. He's leaving for uni tomorrow too. It's very possible that he may have already committed some sort of sexual crime, however as far as i know no one has ever brought any charges against him. One of my friends who is pretty close to him was raped last summer and i never found out who the perpetrator was. I initially thought it was her BF at the time, but there's definitely the possibility that this kid might have been the rapist. I asked her to press charges and talk to authorities about it, but she never did :/ IDK i mean i wish i could go talk to his parents or something, but i really doubt any good could come of it especially since i've had 0 involvement in the high school community for the past two years. What would i do? Just send a facebook message saying "hey i think your son might be a rapist, btw good luck on the county prosecutor race." I'm pretty sure he hates me too, so i doubt me talking to him would do anything. Plus he is kinda like the epitome of the closeted racist, homophobic, sexist white privileged liberal who never says anything serious so that he doesn't have to make any commitments that would say anything about his personality.