care-tags.org

I was going to post this on Grinding but it became a bag of feels

When you tell ppls you are Chinese and they end up saying something in Mandarin - and if it's even something basic as "hello" -- it takes me like 4-5 seconds to process it, to ultimately tell them that, no, I don't speak Mandarin, and that, yeah, I speak Cantonese; then everything gets all awkward and shit because the person happily assumed but I understood it enough to tell them that they aren't wrong for identifying Mandarin with Chinese, but it's not my dialect.

On the flip side, I get disappointed when Chinese people (my people) perceive me as an mainland Mandarin-speaking student of some sort and speaks Mandarin to me; and I reply back to them in Cantonese (my dialect).

When I don't see Asian American friends that are Cantonese and spending more time with white ppls/mass media/internets, I get bashed/semi-ostracized for being white-washed as a "white boii" or a "mainlander," or a Korean kid because of the relational differences.

I just want to fit in ;_;

If anyone cares I spent an hour and a bit talking (and apologizing profusely) to my friend last night. I offered to tell his parents that the stuff was all mine but he shut it down quick. His parents dont care who's it was or why it was there, he disobeyed them and that's it hes got to be out of the house soon and there is no changing that. He seems to be doing okay and hes already found some roommates and they're looking for a house. Im sure he'll be fine but I literally ruined his life and that's weighing pretty heavy on me.

ran a yellow tonight (was one of those iffy situations where you could stop or go and I opted to go) in a car2go and someone made a left turn right in front of me

was so fucking sure I was going to hit them, rainy night, ~60kph in a smartcar

holy fuck

thank god they saw me stopped and i did a hard swerve to the right around them

but goddamn. scary shit

had to pull over for a few min after to lower my heart rate/chill out

adrenaline crash has me mad tired, had an americano after dinner and currently downing a large from tims and still feeling crazy exhausted

Damn. I can't believe I've cock-blocked myself all these years with my schizophrenia/secondary schizophrenia - xyz psychosis state of being.

IT has got to be the worse cock-block ever know to man. :S

self-esteem at an all time low

why do we fall master Bruce??

my girlfriend was going to kill herself today. she may still, I dont know. I called her parents, who fortunately like me, and told them about it (she's in college) along w some proof that she intends to so that they have reason to hold her for psychological evaluation. she is incredibly pissed off at me and hates me forever for (at least trying to) keep her from being able to and I honestly don't even know what's going to happen, like if she will be admitted to a mental health clinic or something. right now I'm in contact w her roommate and apparently there are counselors and public safety reps talking to her, but she's angry and refusing to cooperate. I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen but whatever it is I hope that she will be safe.

So our company is in the process of doing brand identity and naming with two different advertising firms that are competing (unbeknownst to them) to get a web design contract from us. The difference between the two would be hilarious if we weren't spending money on both of them. One company that was initially our favorite had a meeting with us last week that went absolutely terrible. They had about two and a half weeks of work and came up with two word clouds and a page of potential names from each word cloud. They had maybe 40 options, none of them fleshed out, most of them terrible. They were trying to sell us on the first thing that came up and their efforts probably amounted to about three hours worth of our own naming attempts. The other company, which we were unsure that we were even going to consider using them, came up with 3 names all of them awesome, a logo for each name (none of which needed any modification), a philosophy behind each name, a tentative color palette. The most difficult thing for us was deciding between the three names. We have a meeting with the first company tomorrow and unless they have a similar product to give us we're probably going to have to tell them to keep the half of the payment we gave them upfront and just try to cut our losses. I'm super pleased with our progress though, it's awesome to see in real life the concepts behind our company coming to life. Each day launching and success feels more and more tangible instead of fantasy.

Quickly realised that I can't stand being back in America for any length of time (well Vermont specifically). It feels too small and I feel out of place and self-conscious somehow even though I lived here for 16 years. None of the things I'm interested in are really achievable or accessible. So, rather than whine about it, I'm going to finish my applications to school as soon as possible and then find a way to go back to Hong Kong, where I have friends and I feel like I belong (for the time being).

where are you from in vermont?
my mother is from springfield vermont
I've met probably 3 people from vermont

I hate this gap year volunteer thing so fucking much

it's partially on me for not realizing how much passion and idealism it takes to teach english to six-year-olds for free (which in retrospect I probably should have realized before i got neck-deep in this shit, especially considering how all the people i work with are in their early 30s) but i mean c'mon i'm 19 i should be able to try out new shit and make mistakes without being locked in to a 4-month program in a foreign country where the work is that perfect combination of boring, annoying and frustrating

I can legally drink here but even if i want to drink i'm gonna have to go to bars alone. program director talks about making friends on the island but who am I gonna make friends with? tourists here for 10 days? random Mexican dudes? i mean yeah it's a little self-defeating but this is still a fucked-up situation. i just want to go to college and live in NYC and make college friends and actually have a choice in my big life decisions, is that too much to ask

thank god i got an internship lined up starting February. Gonna ball out of here in a serious way. More than halfway done with this shit, let's make the 2nd half go as fast as the 1st

burlington, vermont rules to be honest, but in its own unique way and i can understand why people wouldn't like it

fuck double posted by accident

university is the worst! I hate it quite a bit! I'm feeling alienated from my friends and having a hard time forging emotional bonds with other people!

the exclamation marks are me trying to be positive

I hate it when new people join the team and make friends with people other than me. It's like, hello! I'm right here! Coolest guy in the company! Why are you making friends with that Spanish guy you go swing dancing with when I sit right behind you?

I accidentally got a tiny freelance graphic design job (someone wants me to make a poster &flyer for their small performance business) and it's awesome because yay job experience!! and $$!! but terrifying because I don't know what I'm doing and everything seems scary!!!

just found out my best friend, who lives on the other side of the country and whom i never see, is going on a family vacation to europe during christmas time, which is the only time of year when we ever get a good amount of time together (in total, i only see her twice, maybe three times a year). it sounds stupid but i'm angry at her for some reason, even though this is completely beyond her control and not even something that warrants anger. i just never get to see her and i'm bitterly disappointed. i'm probably pmsing but i actually feel almost like crying.

not ever seeing your best friend sucks

I'm taking my last foundation (required) class. It's a physics/chemistry course about nanotechnology and I suuuckk. I can't do chemistry, or physics, or math. Luckily it only lasts three weeks or so, and I have two more weeks to go. But still, it just feels kind of sucky to feel so dumb sometimes, you know?

This company has launched yet and It's e-commerce so I think you could say that branding, naming and advertising is very much an essential item. You can't sell something if people don't know about it, plus the product is non-existent in north america so we have to educate the consumer as well.

being hospitalized in a psychiatric setting is pretty cool and unique experience - wouldn't trade it for the world. while none of my issues were suicidal at all (perhaps by omission) It was a great quarantine from the world and especially chaotic relations at home. it's quite different than any other social meet-up function that we're all conjoined and share this instant camaraderie/solidarity that would probably take a lot of years and timing to align up in the real world. I enjoyed my stay and gained a lot with the transient social connections I've made. Like fashion, it really opened up my world with people in a hyper-intimate manner through a intensified short-amount of time, it's kind of like this feeltalk thread but on opiates - and it helps if the place serves good food as my last admission had better food that I've been eating for quite a while...unlimited too lol

anyways, does anyone have ideas, advice, feels, forewarning, tips, etc. for dating...older chicks?? I'm talking about a 1-3 year upward age difference... as a 22y/o guy (smiling)

miss exgf she was really cool

edit: @freddy yes

also going out with a female friend to shop around town but i feel weird about it even though it isnt a date

realizing that i'm simply uncomfortable with myself in every possible way, which is something i thought i was getting over but recent circumstances have basically made me realize that's not the case

the internet (fashion forums, tinder, etc) has only exacerbated this problem (but is not the cause, for those wondering)

first, thank you for sharing your experiences; I'm really sorry to hear about your classmate. I hope you're doing alright.

second, my girlfriend is doing alright (is safe, at least). she's still feeling pretty terribly but at least as far as I know doesn't have any intention of hurting herself for now. she got some help from her school couselor and public safety counselors and has agreed to meet with one of them a few times. she wasn't checked in to a psychiatric hospital (not sure if its because she wasn't judged to be an imminent threat to herself or because she didnt want to be) but for the time being I really believe she's doing a little better, or at least is safe. thanks for the kind wishes everyone.

also she always wishes I bragged about her more on here (she totally stalks my account) so here is a picture of her being beautiful!



I love you Madison (smiling)

after a few months, three academic advising meetings convincing me to do so, and a terrible experience with withdrawal from medication, i am proud to say that i'm going to therapy and getting help with my depression and anxiety again.

i thought all my symptoms were gone, but then they were lingering and manifested themselves into clumps which restricted me. at first i was convinced that i could handle this on my own, but then i realized that i can't tough through this myself, even though i am in a much better place than i was, emotionally and physically. this wasn't really the case, i thought that i was strong enough to go cold turkey on medication and just fight up against it like my other friends that have gone through the same things i did. i lacked motivation. i wasn't exactly lazy, but i indulged more in behavior which destroyed me and will destroy me in the long run. i deliberately put myself in situations where i felt uncomfortable, which caused me to feel emotional trauma. i started smoking again out of stress, but i'm planning to quit since it's putting a strain on my lungs and my wallet.

although i still feel apathetic, unwanted, and distant to a lot of people and things, i feel much happier. out of the 3 months that i have been here in chicago, i learnt how to value myself, and value other people. that pretty much has been the best medicine that i have received. internet friendships became realer, i made friends with people who i have never expected to be friends with, and i found people who genuinely care about me (or have said they do).

i'm grateful that i'm still here in this world, and honestly, i feel that i could look forward to the next day. and that's a really big first step.

Just went to a psychiatric hospital for children and adolescents. Man, that stuff is really eye opening. I have so much respect for the people who have to work with them, what an underappreciated job for shit pay.

This little kid was probably about 30 feet behind me when I was walking through a door which I thought closed quickly. In the next room a janitor started joking about how we had a follower. Seems the kid somehow found his through the door without any of us seeing or hearing him come behind us. I guess the kid is a professional at being sneaky.

maybe just maybe once I graduate and hopefully get a real full time job I'll finally be able to pay off this credit card debit and stop feeling like a massive fuck up when it comes to finances. It's kind of soul crushing to think about.