Freddy's personal shenniagans, lululz, and ramblings thread

[freddy]

Confession: I've been pretty obsessed with poker (online Low stakes Texas holdem, Omaha hi/ live pub tournaments) for the past 8 months or so. Online, I've been donking (spewing money) at the toughest Russian/Eastern European reg-fest online poker sites. Unfortunately/fortunately I'm not (bank) rolled to play at the casino, but I'm down (lifetime loses/investment costs) and including educational books, instructional video subscriptions, tools/software, equate to a cost of a Balmain jacket.

My friend who knows my situation well shared with me about the recent developments of Ablify and gambling addiction yesterday. In Canada, Ablify is marketed to included gambling addiction/ impulse control problems as a side effect, but it is not the case in the U.S. (This probably because we are messing w the dopamine/reward system) The FDA has issued a new warning and there has been some high profile/numerous lawsuits against the drug-makers.

There's a ton of law firms that have some sort of multidistrict ligitation. I have a "paper" trail of all my losses being that they're all recorded online. I guess it's something to look into with my mental health team and inquire with the law firms after the July 4th weekend...

I joke with my poker study group that this means I can recover my losses, start a new medication, and have a bankroll for poker, and then become a winning player!?! But all jokes aside, I need to spend serious time reflecting about my impulsiveness/addictive behaviors/novelty seeking in general and in relation to taking Ablify that continues to work so well for me in treated my negative symptoms/psychosis :/

[freddy]

So while my psychotic symptoms have subsided for a while I still don't feel "me". I realize I have to put a lot of effort to make calmness and to monitor/control my thoughts. While I have basic needs met, I still feel this strong boredom. I like to think playing poker gives me the thrill and excitement, but it's not productive because I am not playing optimally and am a losing player. I also can't help myself to chase at higher stakes that I shouldn't be playing. Many times I know I shouldn't be doing XYZ at the table, but I go for it, therefore making it a gambool rather than making +EV plays. In the ramdomthought thread I say dumb shit recently (sorry), which I like to believe relates to impulsiveness? Oftentimes I succumb to my inner thoughts of saying the most darnest shit. And oftentimes I need to quickly say what I want to say without be able to control grammatical mechanics. I also had/have compulsive shopping issues. I also wonder how much of it is heritability considering my dad gambles a lot himself. How many times am I going to impulsively post something and subsequently edit a post?

Right now there are plans of increasing my Ablify to 5mg to improve my organization, motivation, etc... though if Ablify is contributing to my impulsiveness wtf am I going to do? I read that folks with schizophrenia have impulse control issues, but how much of it is affected by Ablify though? Will there be a medication that will be as effective in ameliorating my psychotic symptoms while mitigating impulse control issues? I feel that I've missed a large chunk of my mental illness research on the impulse control section of schizophrenia spectrum disorders.

Maybe I need to fill out a structure interview/questionnaire for gambling addiction and stop by my state's council on compulsive gambling. I dunno, if I want to become a winning poker player and a sensible person that has can keep their impulses in check/ aka shit together, I need to address this. And if I'm gonna have to appear in court to sue the makers of Ablify, I'm gonna have to get a baller suit

[can-]

had a friend with a serious gambling addiction, went off abilify and the habit and desire both completely disappeared.

[freddy]

Can- thanks for sharing as I'm a bit relieved to hear that Ablify could be the culprit. I hope you share the recent developments of Ablify and gambling with him or her.

As for playing video games, I just don't find it as stimulating or interesting.

Sorry to bump the thread so soon again - I mustered up the courage to walk into the compulsive gambling council center where I just left, and I got a a lot of resources and contacts for evaluation. I'll stop by a Gamblers Anonymous meeting on Thursday just so I can talk about this more with people. I also was fortunate to be able to schedule an appointment just now for a therapist who specializes in gambling addiction for Monday morning.



Again, thanks y'all for the supports and not being judgemental about the crap I gotta deal with. Everyday it's always something new

[freddy]

So I went to Foxwoods resort casino a few days ago by myself to play 1-2 No Limit cash with 2 bullets for 7 hours. My bank acct is overdrafted 5 bullets. I missed my gambling appointment the next day but I haven't played poker since and have been attending GA. :/

also, i'm probably going to buying at least a 20% stake on my friend to bink a tournament this Saturday.

[freddy]

Two weeks ago I notified my mental health team that I went to Foxwoods on a whim and gambled away $600 whilst over-drafting my bank account. Unfortunately it's my account where my disability payment gets deposited into. The negative balance already far exceeds my monthly payment. My head cheeserioni of the community-based MH outreach team has negotiated that I must work with my worker that I've been ignoring for other unrelated mishap, sign a rep payee agreement, thereby relinquishing direct access to my monthly disability payment issuance to essentially an escrow/trust account, agree to a repayment payment plan, and work on money management skills/budgeting in exchange for an emergency contingency loan to pay the next two months of rent. I will also have to unfortunately default on my consumer revolving credit lines, unable to make the minimum payments. I've been advised by a lawyer that I can settle 40-70c on the dollar when the accounts get sold into collections.

My psychiatrist did not disagree or deny that Ablify increases impulsivity for the simple fact that it's the only antipsychotic that increases dopamine to the pre-frontal cortex. Additionally I have not been taking my Depakote ER for impulsivity, which is probably ze answer to my adventurous endeavors and risk-taking behaviors. I was given discretion to handle my night med that consist of Depokote ER. I did not take my Depokote because I always fall asleep before taking it. I have not been taking it for probably a month and a half, because I kept rationalizing that I would take it the next day and the next week. I put them away in my dresser drawer because I had the irrational fear that I would lose out of overnight privileges and away passes as if I were living in the transitional mental health shelter in the past. However, because this is essentially my own place as a tenant with an independently signed lease with a private property management organization/landlord, I can come and go as I please. The community-based MH outreach organization that oversees the group home shouldn't have a bearing or say on when I can come and go. Whelp.

I'm looking to study more into the cognitive neuropsychology of schizophrenia.>(smiling)

[freddy]

I'm going to be speaking tomorrow as a panelist for an audience of psychology and psychiatry intern/trainees about my experience in early intervention programs for psychosis at a conference all about it. I suppose I get to..."tell it how it is".

I just got started in a year-long study where I have to wear an essentially advanced fitbit 24/7 (to track my movements/activity) for a year and take surveys on my smartphone (will track my WiFi, GPS, background apps, calls, texts, etc. - all de-identified) along with voice records. From my understanding when I spoke with the PI, the study will correlate that data to identify behavioral measures and neuronal data neuro-imaging. I was also provided vitals to personally self-give saliva samples the morning of my MRI scans. It should be an interesting study where I'm not confined with structured questionnaires for the open-ended nature of the voice memo recordings. It seems that they are interested in what I say so I will say what I want to say. 4min time-limit of the day into the life of a schizophrenic.

I will also do a three-day TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) study and they will magnetically stimulate an area of the brain (cellebrum) where it is believe is related with cognitive/executive functions, which hopefully will improve. Seems like TMS is the next big hype nowadays in the MH research field.

Unfortunately, I missed the registration for my organizational class that is hosted by my local medical center's cognitive neurology unit. At the time, I was too side-swept'd with my above-mentioned ordeal to plan ahead with registration/commitment. However, my friend is in it and he says a wide spectrum of folks - not just those with bipolar and psychotic illnesses.

I lost my keys (again) and my phone.

I hope to get quoted or interviewed for an op-ed piece on MH. Maybe if I weren't so lackadaisical about my writing I could one day get published in the Atlantic.

My dad met up with my earlier tonight and told me that I need to work on self-supporting myself more and to get my driver's license. I could see his sense of practicality in my matters/situation to find work - maybe be a weekend delivery boi for the flexibility as I told him that I want to eventually return back to school. Unfortunately he didn't have too much optimism for me returning or excel because I keep dragging-on each year while I get older in the meanwhile. Though, he's a blue-collar type of a guy, while I was largely brought up by my white collar mom who values education and intellectual thinking. What I do know is that the benefits (intellectually, financially, and emotionally) are in my favor to return back to school. However, I still feel a sense of self-doubt, that as a inner-city public school dropout with a G.E.D. and a remedial/developmental studies community college student dropout, that I may not be able to rise to the occasion and defy the odds to succeed. I've largely self-taught myself a lot of stuff and have a difficult time embracing a formalized/structured learning environment. Perhaps I could get into programming (and be a low-level script/code maintainer monkey) on my own or get into some freelance/entrepreneurial endeavors. Though, I do think I have unique insight and perspective as someone with lived experience in mental health and whatnot who told ppls to basically to gtfo, I could really bring a lot "to the table" as a nontraditional student at whatever academic institution upon transfer from my CC. I could set an example for all other inner-city kids who have fell through the cracks along with me. Nonetheless, I would like to personally figure it out soon while I figure out how to figure it out while I figure out how to figure it all out. I'm getting close but I feel like I can't light up the dutchmaster just yeT!

[adiabatic]

[freddy]

Freddy rebuts the boston globe spotlight series about the state having a shitty mh system, focusing on extreme mh cases but not so much on rcovery, and not enough available psychiatric beds. Don't think I'll get this published as I'm going to contribute (get quoted)to hopwfully an op Ed piece but decided to write my own version. No editorial assistance. Could use simpler sentences.

[Stolsdos]

Python might be one of the easiest language to learn, check out the tutorial Adiabatic linked, also https://www.reddit.com/r/learnpython is a really nice resource if you have questions while learning. Check this out too for practical stuff to do with python: https://automatetheboringstuff.com/
Also check out Django and Flask for python web-development, they're both super easy to use after you learn a little bit of python.
Javascript is more popular for web-dev but Python is probably, imo, much more beginner friendly while still being a useful language.
yeah(sorry about the question mark), coding is the most productive way I've found to ignore everything around me.

[freddy]

Well, I sold my laptop to minimize playing poker at home and wherever. So I think I'll have to hold off on doing any full-fledged programming, except for the "read-only" style of studying Python through web-based simulators, rather than trying to procure code on my own via a standalone code-editor program. Nonetheless, thanks for the resourceful suggestions guys.

Ramblings on the ~three-year mark of being on C-T: I think a lot of my desires for overspending/gambling is because I genuinely enjoy the thrill of being on the brink of insolvency with my personal finances. I reckon much has to do with the lack of constant stimulation--if I may, over-stimulation--during my experience with psychosis. For the indulgence into fashion, I likened to believe because of the lost of sense of agency and self, I was scouring the achieves and seasonal fashion unveils to find a connection--to imbue myself into the artistic subjectivity of the designer's aesthetic fantasy world.

It seems the more I understand and learn the research literature on psychosis and related disorders, the more I am baffled by the condition and the severity of symptoms that can manifest for an un- and -diagnosed individual. To speak frankly, many people who suffer from such illness can experience very debilitating symptoms that--in technical terms--affect their quality of life. I mean, I just asked my roommate about the former tenant who occupied my room before I had arrive; he committed suicide because he was seemingly having a difficult time with his life, while his auditory hallucinations were very affecting him severely.

As someone without auditory hallucinations that constantly haunts them, or have had experienced none whatsoever before, and among other symptoms, I find myself to be fortunate than those who have it "worse off". Oftentimes I feel like a degenerate for not taking the initiative to get my life back on track to traditional pathways in society. Though, I've told many times all throughout my life and by my clinicians that I don't give myself enough credit and am too hard on myself. I suppose I'm at the point where I'm suppose recognize my accomplishments in recovery thus far and meaningfully transition back to society after my endeavoring pursuits?

I guess it's a false dilemma to think that I have to "transition" back to society, too. And how does one transition back to society when they've underwent a mesmerizing one-of-a-kind experience underwritten by psychosis? Essentially I'm try to say is that what am I to be as someone to become an "ordinary Joe" in society? Perhaps I am dealing with an identity crisis and sense an imminent impostor syndrome as I merge myself into the realities of the "normalized" real world. If not to become an "ordinary Joe", then who--and what should I actualize into?

To be fair, lest I not mention the modern phenomenon of the 'emerging adult'--that, I, too, am one myself as well. While my difficulties in life are no auditory hallucinations, they are figuring out what I want to become--what I want to do. How I can successfully navigate this tidal wave that looms over me where I am propelled by the currents of a renewed identity/self. Do I take "Freddy" with me as I arrive into this renewed world called society? I guess I'm just scarred to embrace it all by taking actual steps. It's a bit too real--that I do have agency and a sense of self. I guess it's performance anxiety. Or fear of success as well for that matter.

If I am so much intimidated of embracing the real world, what about the wardrobe I've curated that helped me navigate the uncharted waters of psychosis? While I only have a fraction of the wardrobe currently with me, I suppose it's time to embrace the outfits that give me a sense of purpose and direction by way of what the designer's envision. Unfortunately I did The pursuit of collecting, wearing, and identifying the "right" clothes got Freddy where he is today. And if helped him that much, perhaps the picking the right ones from his archives will help me sort out a newfound guidance into becoming the person he wants to be.

The clothes makes the man? Perhaps it's time I start being the man in the clothes as well.

[freddy]

From your rep comment- I'm not sure where you're from and what stakes you have played, but I don't disagree that it's difficult to make decent change beating <200NL at 5bb/100. The stakes are competitive and the grind is real. The rake is crazy. There's no room for error. Though, 200NL live is a different story, which I'm sure one can beat 5bb/100 with TAG strategy and avoiding the regs especially on weekends, and especially weekend nights, from my anecdotal observation/experience a new regional poker room/casino I've recently found. IMO online microstakes is really for practicing and refining fundamentals where physical tells/profiling players is non-existent.

One thing that I've neglect to mention is how much I wanted to explore the gambling culture/casino world because of my father. He took me to gambling parlors as a kid, and gambled a lot. I suppose it's a blue-collar thing to do, and especially at immigrants without much social outlets. In Chinese culture, at least in my sphere, gambling isn't considered taboo unlike other cultures; it is very much ingrained in our culture. However, it wrecked the relationship with my mother and was a catalyst for divorce. For me, my dad has never been proud of much of me for anything, nor did I have much of an opportunity to excel at something. Honestly, I think trying to beat 1-2 NLHE live with a sustainable winrrate/100 is something that I can fantasize about intellectually excelling at as a solo pursuit, and something that my dad can be proud of. It may seem irrational, but I'm just drawn to the game, and perhaps more so, the stimulus/action.

Anyhow, now that I'm taking my nighttime med consistently, I have been suffering from bad sedative side-effects. I am oversleeping in the tune of 12hours, making it difficult to get out of bed and feeling groggy after waking up and as if I had a light dose of anesthesia. What I am proud of lately is that I was able to read half of a book. The book is 'The Zero Marginal Cost Society: The internet of things, the collaborative commons, and the eclipse of capitalism'. It goes hand-in-hand with the advent of distributed peer-to-peer blockchain-based cryptocurrencies, and distributed software over blockchain. Though I have to admit, my interest in bitcoin was due to online gambling sites taking it, for it's an easier solution and my only way to deposit money after being blacklisted via credit cards. For ethereum- some front-end designer that I was playing 1-2 on Saturday evening with talked/raved about it, in relation to online gambling. It sparked my interest to learn more about it, considering my interest in financial services and whatnot academic disciplines (economics, business, finance, etc.) related to blockchain.

As for my interest in financial services, I gained some internship experience in the financial service sector. I did a job-training where I specialized in financial operations - a concentration that I chose over I.T. which was really my interest at the time. This was pre-fashion, pre-mental illness discovery of myself and my mother. I chose it because I wanted to understand the work that my mother did in her occupation working in financial services, especially as my mom complained relentless about work stress, where she ultimately got displaced a back-office worker. I suppose it goes hand-in-hand a few years later with the aforementioned interest in gambling to simply understand my father -- my parents betters. With respects to the work, I gained experience and training at a time after the bottom of the financial crisis of 09. I've witness and utilized archaic "accounting" systems that were inefficient. However, while the bitcoin/blockchain whitepaper was released then, it did not gain popularity 'til much later, but while I didn't know programming, I could envision and foresee that it won't be long for automation with more efficiently design code will displace the need for the work I was doing/was being outsourced. Little did I know them, bitcoin/blockchain solutions would be the answer that many big financial firms with expensive intermediaries/back-office staff and systems are working on. I hope to make money via the blockchain.

In reflection, it seems that these two things are converging, I hope to get into the blockchain revolution, where we will live not in a socialist future (because that's still centralized governance), but a communal/collaborative peer-to-peer decentralized smart society that utilizes distributed blockchain networks that is immutable, resilient, and scalable. The possiblities are endless with poker and blockchain which is what I like. But really though, I dunno, I just want to make mum and dad proud.

[Copeland]

Hi,

Responding as I read along,

I live in the US and grinded NL100 on PS as a part time job before Black Friday. I have no experience live, everything seems to point to that it's much easier, and if its, good for you. My immediate impression has always been that because live is so much slower, variance will take much longer to even out, unless you are truly crushing.

There's nothing wrong with being drawn to poker for its own sake. Poker is a complex and worthwhile game to study. Poker culture, however, is ugly and debilitating.

Either way, you should understand that the amount of time you put into the game, especially now that poker is harder in general, demands a lot more of your life than the money you will get from it, unless you are incredibly lucky AND incredibly talented. It would have to be both. Look at where Durrr and Isildurr are now. The reason I mention this and stress it is because, simply, the skills you need to acquire to beat mid/high stakes are much better applied to other subjects that lead to far better outcomes, such as studying finance, statistics, etc.

I think I have some books and pdf files still from when I was invested, can send you those if you want. They were from cardrunners, CTS, Balugawhale, etc. I would guess that everyone playing onw has read those.

Get pokertracker if you haven't already. Never tilt, ever, this is the most basic test of a good player. TAG/LAG are just preferences in style. Get a notebook, write down all the preflop ranges you can think of from every position, run those through the combo program, forgot what it's called, look at all the preflop odds, construct a range which is optimal, go from there. There's no shortcut even if you are a a mathematical genius, the better players know the ranges better and know the odds better at every situation. Manage your mentality, set a goal, set a schedule. It's a lot tougher than any other job that pays the same.

[freddy]

Greetings!

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I hope you don't mind the open conversation, if need be, and if you're willing, we can take via PM.

I do understand what you say about the opportunity costs if I had spent my time learning other other subjects. For me honestly, I have been studying a lot subjects over the past few years without much monetary gain. Personally I like studying and having intellectual pursuits and see poker theory/strategy right up that alley. As for the diminished monetary prospects in the future/time spent, I don't disagree. However, I like to believe that I view poker first as strategy game, like chess, board games, etc. (which don't pay as much for what you put in as well) and the monetary reward aspect, second -- as it's emeddbed into he nature of the game.

The fact that there is a mental stamina/endurance/resiliency aspect and the behavioral psychology observations (when it comes to live) that underwrite poker decision making is also fascinating for me as well. You mention that poker is a complex and worthwhile game to study - yes, I agree. I believe that poker theory is a nice segway into understanding basic finance/statistics, behavioral decision-making etc. In terms of the poker world, I have sweated and played live, and have followed online communities and how see how poker culture is definitely ugly and debilitating. While I'm still fascinated by the players and characters I meet (read online and play with live), I know I have to personally balance it out doing other non-poker things simply because of the crowd it attracts.

As for software, I have invested in PT4/HM2 for databases. Equiliab etc. Currently I have a RIO subscription and have heard of Balugawhale etc. I know I have to run the equity for various scenarios and pre-flop ranges, 3bet calling defend range, etc. to know where I stand roughly in-game. My goal is to be reasonably good in three years, which should be the time that the Wynn opens over here. Though my current game of choice online is PLO, where it's a much more complex game than holdem that I personally enjoy more than hold them. Of course PLO itself as a game has significantly more inherent variance than NHLE. So herein lies the problem: I have yet to "master" the basics of NHLE play, but I find myself more interested in PLO nowadays, and I spent a majority of the past year also learning basic MTT strategy. There's also a little PLO8 where I picked up recently. You can say I have a generalist overview of various poker variants, with the exception of Stud.

I don't think I'll ever be rolled to play PLO live with a proper BR to mitigate against PLO variance anytime soon. At Foxwoods it's just a single 2-5 game available at most times. Even if I did, I'd rather use the BR for other endeavors. 5PLO is pretty devastating to your BR too when you're flipping 55/45 in tight spots.

IMO as I've talked to a friend of a friend who plays professionally for a living (cashing PLO weekly tournies and an event at WSOP) and have told me this: poker is a game of who's the most nerd of them all - implying that to be good you need to garner the studying needed to outsmart your opponent(s). I like that aspect of poker. I think its a good side-hobby alongside with my other endeavors. We'll see how I far, but I do see it as a continuous intellectual pursuit for the foreseeable future that I'm willing to take on.

[freddy]

Let’s talk medication and cognition. Sometimes I read online where people say, “take your meds”. I now, for the most part, take my medication now and it works for the most part. However, contrary to belief, medication is not an end-all and be-all solution to the symptoms of mental illness, particularly for the cognition of those with schizophrenia. From what I’ve learned so far in my cognitive enhancement therapy educational group session is that I have a disorganized learning style. It’s difficult for me to response to the gist of things, because a million other internal and external stimuli, from thoughts to environmental distractions. Oftentimes, I already know the gist of a conversation or what I need to say, but my other thoughts derail me in the moment. This is why IRL social interactions can be difficult when my assortment of semi-related/unrelated thoughts are competing for my attention.

Much of the lack of my ability to concentrate/focus translates into the impatience to proofread my writing. It’s also difficult to untangle my prose if it stems from my disorganized thoughts, especially if I am disorganized in the moment. As a result, much of my work, especially my earlier writing, is not just a stream of consciousness, but a disorganized stream of consciousness. However if need be to communicate, I tend to do a lot better speaking verbally when I am able to lead the conversation. As a compensatory method, I stay up late at night so the distractions during the day are minimized in the environment background. The night is my time to get into a “flow” state and try to overcome the all-over-the-place attention that I have.

Now, because medication doesn’t target too much of the cognitive areas of the brain, I must put in the effort in my CET so I can rewire, strengthen, and form new neural networks. I have to do computerized training that requires certain domains of cognition, so I can do it in a specific environment where it’s safe and dynamically adjusts the intensity of my training. This shit is hard. And it’s hard to shut the f up when I appropriately need be online or IRL. I’m driven by distraction, but in the 30-minutes a week that I do my game and the 1.5hr that I participate in my group, it’s when I make the most progress during the week of unstructured day-to-day life of undirected activities and hobbies. But I’m not in psychosis anymore, and I have more self-awareness, agency, and cognitive control to fight the good fight internally within.

It’s a trade-off to have a “disorganized” profile as a schizophrenic. I’ve read other schizophrenic people’s writing and they have lucid, succinct, and good prose. However, they write about facing other symptoms that have little to no bearing on me. (Hallucinations, reality distortion, etc.) I feel that I have a good sense of reality. But often more than not, my internal thoughts and distractions, put me in a difficult position of voluntarily isolating from other people, and not being as social as I can be – despite being able to socialize whenever and whenever as needed. Because I feel stuck where my cognition impedes in my ability to engage in schoolwork effectively or have the patience or motivation to work, I feel as if I am squandering my emerging adulthood. Though, it’s not to say that I’m not trying my hardest on my recovery, it’s just that the results will take time, considering the CET is an 18-month commitment.

And after much reflecting as to “why” I enjoy and have the passion the play poker, I have made some speculative conclusions. One, it’s a game with a lot of complexity and variability, which is great for my need for a lot of ongoing stimulus. Two, when I need to make a decision, I am allowed to make it however long I can until the clock runs out, if need be; I am in charge of the decision. Third, I can leave and join the game whenever I want to, at my own leisure, especially once I discard my cards, so if it gets cognitively too much, I can adjust. Four, every round, with a new hand, is an essentially a new game, so I get a mental break, unlike a game like Settlers of Catan or Monopoly that is play continuously over a long duration. Five, it’s a game played in solitude with other people at any time if there is an open seat (for cash games. If I leave Monopoly the game, the game continues, and my opponent is going to rekt me passing go and collecting $200 if I’m not there. As you can see, the malleability of the game, works with my cognition and the fact that I like to think. And the liking and passion of the game puts me into that “flow” state where I can compensate by picking-up myself from the bootstraps every time and attempt again when I fall because of my cognition.

While it can seem to others that I may not be doing much, for the time being poker, CET, and bumming around is keeping me cognitively busy. Perhaps I’ll do a lot more once I “beat” these computerized games, so I can accomplish more IRL.

[freddy]

Submitted op-ed piece 4 the globe

[freddy]

Its been a little over 6 years since I've held a legit paying job..and that's only an internship. I'm thinking about putting my application for mental health peer mentoring training and become a certified peer specialist early next year. But parts of me wants to go back to school.

However,the training only comes to the city every 4 years or so. IRL commitments r scary to think about ><

[freddy]

Yeahhhh buddy...binked my first $5k GTD



Followed by some high stakes cash and quitting it before shit hits the fan

[freddy]

Hi y'all! Welcome again to the inner world of Freddy.

Since my tournament win and playing online 200NL to 2000NL (yes $10/20NL cash... $2,000 max buy-in) after, I have been doing a lot alongside to poker. Currently I am an RA for a research study. I am now participating in a FDA clinical trial for a experimental/developmental medication called "AVP-XXX" (the X's denote numbers I can't remember). It's suppose to help with negative symptoms. However, since its double-blind randomized placebo study, I could be taking a placebo. Regardless, I do feel that I am a lot more focused and am able to garner sustained attention that results in more mental clarity. I'm less 'stuck" in my head trying to sift through my thoughts and organize them. Perhaps it's the progress I've made in aforementioned cognitive remediation, too. Perhaps not.

Whether we can attribute the source of my progress or not, improved cognitive performance is great as I'm getting into BJ counting now. The counting system is called "Hi-Lo". This be successful in maintain a count and deck estimation, it requires a strong memory capacity and quick information-processing...aka cognitive skills. The biggest thing I am lacking right now is practice and being able to stimulate and number-crunch the anticipated variance and Risk of Ruin (RoR) for my bankroll, which is what I need to estimate for my bet sizing/bet spread. I know the for the structure of the 8D games here, the house has an overall .33% edge against the player. Typically each +1 count favors the player .5% for reference. A negative count would favor the house in addition to the 0 count .33% edge they would have.

For camouflage at the tables, I'm going to go with swagging-the-f-out as a rich Asian kid with an insatiable Asian gambling appetite.

As for seeking the possibility of ligation for compulsive gambling because of Ablify, I have reached out to several law firms specializing in this specific matter. However, I have made it my decision to forgo the pursuit of this any further.

Wish me luck. (not that I need it if I am playing for +EV and not gambling ;))

[freddy]

found this writing sample i did for this program i did that i thought was lol

[freddy]

i made it!

[freddy]

Sorry for another quick post. I think I may have Obsessive-Compulsive-Symptoms (OCS) alongside with schizophrenia. Or, more appropriately Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder. More on this later.

[freddy]

XD

[freddy]

I've been wanting to write an update about the inner world of Freddy for a while now, so here it goes!

If you aren't aware, I have turned 25-years-old recently. It's been over a year as well since I've stayed where I am right now -- living in a mental-health group home, with people of similar MH illness like me. However, while I'm fortunate and grateful of my living arrangement, I am finding myself in a lull of my hometown -- and life in general. Gambling/poker has provided and spurred some excitement in my life, but I'm realizing now that it's going to be a long and tedious grind to chase the EV. The swings and variance is a killer too, even with perfect +EV-making decision-making. I'm sure I'll get better overtime with more study and practice, though the "grind" is brutal. I don't think chasing the EV will ever make me truly happy though. Alongside with all-things-gambling, I've been swindled into becoming a dealer of sorts -- for Texas hold 'them poker and blackjack. It's quite fun and I essentially get paid to socialize and entertain folks at private parties. Sweet gig.

As for the mental-health endeavors, I feel like I would like to wind-down. I've become bored of the discipline. Blah-blah- blah emotion regulation, pre-frontal cortex, cognitive biases, dual-drive theory, etc. I don't know. I feel like I need a new adventure and excitement -- a new chapter in my life. But I don't know what that'll be.

I suppose it's a bittersweet thing now that with supports and helps, I have procured a more stable living environment, peace of mind, and overall more stability. Though, I'm not sure if any of this makes me happy; the lack of chaos. Perhaps I'm discontent with accepting and embracing contentment. I never really had a stable home environment, school environment, nor mental mind. But I have it now. I look back at the challenges and fight with inner and outer worlds and ask; was it worth it? Maybe of my nearly 25 years of existence filled with chaos and disharmony is normalized for me -- that I feel comfortable only in a chaotic world. Perhaps I cannot embrace the idyllic life of peace, harmony, and safeness. Such is the dilemma I face when I'm was at the throes of mental struggle and agony, and being able to clearly reflect back at this juncture of recovery. And can I even call it "recovery" anymore? I just don't know what to make of the newness of this newfound peace and what to do with myself with this tranquil life that has seemingly been marred with such boredom.

Maybe I need to go start a fire. Lol

[freddy]

I went to an alumni reunion networking get-together last week where I was a graduate from a year-long job-training program for "urban young adults" 18-24 years old but I wasn't impressed, or more simply, I felt out of place. It made me reflect a lot about my pathway. The program compromises of 6-months of classes and 6-months of internship placement. You can easily search online this national non-profit organization with an ambitious mission to close the "opportunity divide". I chose the financial services track eight years ago, so I could better understand the financial services industry where my mom worked in the sector. Essentially, I wanted to be placed in an internship to understand the workplace environment where she would come home all stressed-out and whatnot. (at this point my mom was already laid-off during the financial crisis) This was before I had learnt about mental illness for either of us -- and before my dissent into psychosis. This was in 2009.

Upon my internship placement, I found the work a overly repetitive from "clicking buttons" (excel macros) and inputting pre-assigned values and stuff into proprietary systems and in excel at various times throughout the business day. Eventually I had felt the work and workplace to be mundane. If anyone is familiar with the industry, it's a large custodial bank (ticker symbol: STT) for passive investment firms (i.e. mutual funds) along with a small investment/research arm. This type of work exemplified the essence of the 'back-office' work -- where you settle, clear, take account into the accounting of trades/transactions, record-keeping, and custody of various investment securities and derivative schemes. I felt virtually all of the work could be more efficiently automated. Alas for the invention and conceptualization of the bitcoin cryptocurrency and more importantly the underlying blockchain technology around this time.

After my internship, I sincerely felt I should return to school to complete my fragmented education. At this point, I have only completed a high-school equivalency diploma - a G.E.D. (or what is called the HiSET nowadays). It was a program at NEU for urban inner-city kids to remedy their transcript with intense remedial and college study to strengthen their application for transfer. It was, however, not the full-fledged NEU experience. I also felt a disconnect between the Caucasian suburban kids and the pack of minority kids I was associated in the program. Perhaps you can say there was a strongly felt sociological dissonance between on campus. After all, I had grew up and went to school and programs primarily with minorities - as a minority of a minority. In short, I decided to throw away the scholarship for this program and go to community college, only to be berated by my counselor during my review meeting. She said something on the lines that she had a Harvard ME.d and condescendingly patronized me for thinking I'd do better at a CC. My choice was final at the point, and she only further reinforced it.

Now, I stood completely alone. At community college I had to take remedial courses. However, I also felt the environment to be difficult for me to embrace. It was full of international minority students and minority kids from other parts of city and neighboring towns. They seemed pretty ratchet. Shortly into the semester, I stopped showing up and eventually failed my remedial courses along with the introductory German language class. I also took student loans out thinking I could invest it defying the promissory note agreement and generate a monthly income. I took time off and I went back, where I ultimately left again. Five years later I write this post in reflection what life could have been if I had excelled at the opportunity opened to me earlier in my youth. Though, I don't think I can defy my unraveling mental illness and the need to conduct my own research into psychologies, sociology, and philosophy of my life. I followed my own instincts to go my own way and now I'm left trying to figure out the next step.

More revealingly, I loath the corporate environment and I think the organizational structure and culture is due to a disruption, especially when it comes to financial services/finance. where its conservative in nature. People have suggested that I go into fashion, but I feel it's for rich trust-fund kids living in Europe and NYC. IDK. Psychology/MH is becoming a bore for me. I'm kind of traumatized to go back to school, which I essentially stopped going since the age of 12. (I got arrested in bed, issued with a CHINS warrant, and juvenile probation office for not going to school) I'm tired of dealing with non-profit programs who try to help. I'm too lazy to learn how to program/code. I feel this disconnect with society at large, not from psychosis but because of my experiences as an inner-city kid with xyz probs to integrate and embrace society and its diverse ppls wholeheartedly. Perhaps I continue to be a disconnected urban youths that was malsocialized. I suppose I never really had the chance to embrace non-chaotic social relations. After all, I was waxing-and-waning in psychosis. I'm not asking for a safe-space but IDK what to do but I find refuge here.

[freddy]

race relations is very interesting for freddy. Everyone was "racist" and friends in Boston...it waz normal. I blame the angry potatoe and cornbeef eating "politiaclly incorrect" crass Irish who probably blames the politicaly correct yuppy ivy educated WASPs.

freddy does not get rest of america without our New England aristocratic class structure. idk gfy? he musta learned it somewhere tho...xD

[freddy]

I've been doing some thinking and it's VERY interesting to talk to different nationality/cultured/ethnicity people and what they have to say against European former and current powers. I've been doing research and realized, my family lineage from seaside China just missed the mark from the direct influences of colonialism and whatnot christranization. Korea has U.S. military influence with a heavy Christian following--same for Taiwan. Vietnam has Franco-Catholism. Philipines have Spainard-Catholicism. India has Buddhist/British English for British India. China was too big to be completely colonized by one single European power. Africa was conquered entirely by European/Arabs... The closer we get to the holy land, The Turks/Ottoman reigned over into Armenia/etc. Iranians/Persians got raped by the Arabs. Don't have to constantly worry about being a Jew and having a land or that zionist Israel/West Bank/Palestine/Gaza/Hezbollah wack shit. England chopped up by the Middle East. The Soviets took over Central Asia and "Eastern Europe" for a time. The Spainards lost parts of America (as with the French and Dutch for New Amsterdam/New Dutchland) and kept its influence in Latin America (where everyone speaks Spanish) with the exception of the Portuguse taking over what's now Brazil (+ Cape Verede in Africa/Macau near China). English/UK/Irish has Germanic/Roman/Viking deep ancestry (bc blond hair amirite). Greece infiltration to Persia/Mediterian/Egypt/Israel/etc. and Romans invaded Greece.

Honestly aside from Japan and China for my ancestors we preserved our thousands of years of lineage and culture/etc.... my family's Cantonese/Toisan tongue is pure and unadulterated by outsiders. We do not understand Western religion at all so I don't think we were christianized/ evangalized. My family tree...we came to America willing and brought each family member via willful immigration without colonial/Western religious baggage. We chose to assimilate...don't think anyone forced us. No Laos/Cambodian/Vietnamese refugee shit, Korean adoption into Caucasian family, Philpino war-bride, Thailand/ lady-love-u-long-time-marry-sexpat-foreigner-for-money-immigrate-to-America-shit, I tell people that I'm a "pure bred" Chinese person (100% Han Chinese obv) for shits and giggles when other people tell me their mixed-mutt ancestry/talking about dark-skinned this and that. You can say japan took over for a bit but it didn't impact the culture of my family. British/Hong Kong sure I guess. But my family wasn't there. The Canton adminstration may have learned efficency/order from British adminstration but I never felt British influence from my family. ANd here I am. This is me. xD

So whoa!

[freddy]

And this no wonder Chinese Chinese tell me I will always be recognized as Chinese however much I assimilate or Americanize. Our mother identity is not corrupted or obliterated by too many outside forces and our genetic lineage remains lengthy/strong/pretty pure.

#Chinesemasterraceftw

[freddy]

:')

[freddy]

No brag but I’m doing better. I def spewed -$1000 on non-optimal bluffs and overplayed plays when play beyond tired. And I also didn’t need to lose $700 at 2/5 Zzz

Dreams r coming true but game can always use more work.