Freddy's personal shenniagans, lululz, and ramblings thread

[freddy]

So it's confirmed. I have schizophrenia for sure. (and perhaps schizoaffective disorder if it's discerned more-so in the future) Thanks for being there for me guys.

[freddy]

So it seems that I am responding well to the atypical antipsychotic medication (Ablify) – seeing that have semi-adverse side-effects. We have plans to taper it down to 2mg rather than the original 5mg, which is already a low-dose. Because I am abstaining from it for this whole week and more to see if I can be symptom-free, I am revert back to erratic sleep schedules and illusive thinking. This is all good news if you aren't sure. Conversely, it's unfortunate with the Fall season here that I find myself once again time and mentally constraint to be in all faucets of the internets as I would like to participate in. Psychosocial interventions/programs and mental health involvements keep me busily at bay now. I suppose in deference I will come back with much more insightful thoughts to bring to the dinner-table than before.

---

I've been thinking just now about why do I despite getting a lot of grief (and sometimes compliments) for my incessant fashion habits, that I still continue such ventures and fall into close folks and family's cross-hairs – let alone the cross-hairs online? What I've boiled it down to is that not only that is serves as a function of self-expression, I reckon that fashion is an excellent provocation tool, especially in the realm of trying harmonize relations at home. What do I mean by provocation? Surprisingly, it attracts the attention of others, where it allows me to promote and facilitate inquiring conversation. Instead of charging at me head-on, it is oftentimes deflected and distracted by my appearance. I don't care about status or posturing, I mean it's Americana workwear mainly that I have for fuck-sakes, where I reckon most folks cannot attribute a symbolic recognition to the stuff I wear over say more "flashier" brands. For conversation, I mean with people who have an issue with such egregious and frivolous spending, such eye-widening presentation, it bestows me the ability to redirect the reactions into insightful self-reflection in others. For my mother, basically it allows me to get her angry not just at me but at the idea of what I am doing, so it serves as a decoy for procuring objective discussions. "SO what is exactly wrong with XYZ, mom?"

Don't get me wrong, it sounds like I feed off the hate, but I can assure y'alls it's not. It's just an interesting phenomenon that I've noticed when I get can some condescending remarks and then compliments with the same piece or outfit, if not, sometimes even on the same day. What's more important is to utilize this with my mother. It's akin to me growing my hair out too as a rebel-punk kid. Simply, if I follow the rules with obedience, then effectively I am relegated to a lope-sided relationship – because there is effectively no equilibrium and balance between us. So I don't follow the rules. I suppose you can label this as being rebellious, but it's more-so me being me first and unsuspecting remarks allow me to have some leverage and direction and understand the implicit communication behind it – the transference/countertransference paradigmatic matrix that is. However, I will say that it has been particularly realizing on the reactions that folks have with what I wear sometimes too. It's an added bonus that I have come to realized that goes with my fashion pursuits.

I also wonder: What conjoins us all in fashion? I also like to think that fashion is a perfect talking-point that with many goes awash in the realm of normative day-to-day discussion. Yes, I can come off as an overt fanatic – but that's more-so of my regressive and impulsive, nonetheless infantilism that gets in the way. For more serious discussions, I think the continual and unidimensional aspects of how metaphysical fashion can be, can stir-up some real unconscious realizations we have that can go amiss beyond the existential/ontological quandaries. Verbal communication and body language can be limiting too, if we can acknowledge and process it beyond the cyberspace dimension. Contextualization is very important to recognize the self-expression of others. So I like to think of how the clothes I have amounted so far represents me in the current moment of wearing it. And yes, I am completely "out-of-place" when I do wear it. And I think my rebellious growing-up has lead me to live a very dialectical/dichotomous lifestyle, nonetheless such perspective at a large with society is what quintessentially represents me being "freddy". Counterproductive relations with normal and rational people due in part from the rebellious and dialectical communications that go no where.

Because of the very nature of the dichotomization and contradictory relational dynamics I grew up in, not only did I feel self-ostracized and alone, but it was a way for me to embrace such exotic and peculiar ways. I think much of my dichotomous humor is parallel to such upbringing, the spot-on insta-recognition of how to infer the complete opposite of the premise. Effectively what I am realizing is that I am narrowing the band between such riff-raff jokester communication into something more direct, genuine, and authentic. For I believe many frustrated folks who have interacted with are awaiting for me to achieve and nonetheless internalize as a mature person. Heh. I won't go without saying that it is particularly tough when you grow up oscillating the opposite of what people say – it can get mentally and emotionally taxing. That is why sometimes trolling and jokes can short-circuit my mental faculties/brain, even if it's my own to self-incrminate; and I get lost into my own entanglement of intertwined thoughts too. When don't I? But realizing this, such opposite communication relations is what fosters intimate discussions too. It prompts folks to correct and re-assert their feels, how they really feel. I know such is the same when this happens to me with my mother; the frustration and especially the feelings of invalidation during the exchange.

So what becomes a dialectical relationship in my communication translates into full-on irony into my asthetic-fashion-sense and the context in which I wear my clothes. Where I could be wearing more formal stuff, I wear informal; where it is formal occasion/environment, I wear informal. Head-to-toe denim where there is bounds. Dress shirt and minimalistic apparel where there is no bounds. Simply, with such aforementioned thinking, I suppose I just don't like to fit-in as it is not my default comfort state-of-being ever, thus the turbulent push-pull-inversed dynamics I procure. Coherency aside, perhaps I'll get to consistency and congruency in all dimensions and contexts, especially in my communication. I have become jaded with being inverse in all-things-everything. And perhaps the moment when I'll achieve such tranquility is where I find alliance and connectedness wholesomely with others in the entirety of this world. Though, it's not to say that direct-straighttalk isn't something that I can't muster-up and do from time-to-time, but it's a lot of fucking work as it is not natural phenomenon for me. Let's just say that I am out-of-orbit here drifting away, and I suppose it's okay for now, especially now that I am self-actualizng such in my own reality. However, I do hope that in wishing and earnestly striving towards a better, more harmonious, no-bullsht, no-gimmicks, no-passive-aggressveness, a simply genuine relationship with my mother that I will become and ascribe to be less "4real??" and more "for real." that I will dock-back-to-base soon.

Time will tell when and if I will ever get there. But don't mind me if I neg rep sometimes while I float around working on it though Lulz

[freddy]

Lol I have to say that was a pretty surreal and magical experience that I've had with y'alls on the internet. (smiling)

[freddy]

So with my psychiatric diagnosis snafu, the schizophrenia still stands despite the qualms about a potential bipolar disorder with psychotic features. Either way, treatment framework still doesn't change, nor does taking anti-psychotics as it works interchangeably here because it is targeting neurotransmitter imbalances that underwrite these DSM criterion of diagnosis. (a lot of diagnosis overlap and the DSM is not a perfect solution and can aid to diagnostic difficulties) Unfortunately with my dystonic reactions (extrapyramidal symptoms or EPS) which I went to the ER to get things addressed with IV benadryl to counteract, to realize that I am highly sensitive to it (good and bad), I got a very short-term immediate benefit from Ablify after taking it for two week, but I have yet to take it since then. So while I've regressed, the psychopharmacology aid to restoring neurophysiological neurotransmitter re-stabilization has helped, along with greater psychotherapy to address my psychotic symptoms. We are looking to re-start the medication at an even lower dosage at 2.5mg, as I have learned more about my self-experience taking it and education about the side-effects.

I've also done a lot of thinking and I realize that I'm not exactly the only one that says the darnest shit, and if anything, my father is equally just as ratchet and "freddy" as I am. He has all-over-the-place chaotic, eccentric, narcissistic, and magical thinking where it's hard for folks to take him seriously, even me as his son. Nevertheless, I do see a 'thought disorder' with my dad. I'm fairly sure he has some form of schizophrenia pathology like I do without the auditory and visual hallucinations but rife with mild delusions. It's heritable.

I also do wonder about my maternal grandmother abroad...that I have yet to really see.

So it's going to be a longer ride and complicated journey in search of a working metaphysical coherency to untangle the madness I endure in my chaotic and perplexing conscious self-experience...only after to realize that I was just achieving significant progress with my mother and made personal breakthroughs. And so the journey still continues..! :/ :D (smiling) :S

[freddy]

loose associations is me right? it explains my communication style amirite? feel free to comment

also, the reason why my English will never be good despite my incessant reading is because of my disorganized thinking not because of the inability to learn and adhere to grammatical rules and form good prose. It's too structured4me

and maybe that's why I like Junya Watanabe and fashion in general that recontextualizes uniforms and normative day-to-day aesthetics because of "misplacement" and in-coherency of patchworks and what not asymmetric and on-off details that represents how I see the world :_)

[freddy]

So on Monday, we've crossed the two week mark for taking Ablify at a subclinical dose of 2.5mg - I feel like I'm reaping the benefits today having "thanksgiving" day and dinner with my mom. I don't feel so absorbed into my internal reality. Sleep hygiene and schedule is much better nowadays. It's kind of surreal. (smiling)

Hopefully the EPS or dystonic side-effects won't reemerge again. :}

[freddy]

There might be a mood competent to my madness too. We are potentially looking into a mood stabilizer in the future, but it's a very situational thing that I don't necessarily present to my clinicians, so it's hard to say for sure. Ablify works for my disorganized thoughts but we're at the max in terms of the mood stabilizing component. So a separate medication may be helpful. Nevertheless, I am very provoked at home because of dysfunctional family dynamics though... and all the day-to-day stress I gotta go through. Regardless, if I have been an abrasive dick, I apologize if I was insensitive or provocative with you.

However, treatment wise and self-discovery speaking so far things have been going good and on point.

[freddy]

I am deeply insulted and bothered by how family members are self-righteous and label me as XYZ. For the longest time I have been focusing on my issues/problems which I have largely contained as much as I can to not inflict on other people - of course, save for the lulz on the internet. Much of my symptoms are invisible to the naked-eye and even my treatment right now has largely been my own endeavor - as in, I didn't have many family members lead or guide me into psychotherapy or pharmacotherpay. Simply said, I've isolated myself because of my issues, but it also lead to folks "not knowing who I am" anymore (my psychosis kept me astray and consumed), where they just inadvertently make sweeping generalizations and baseless accusations of my life. More importantly, I am tired of this Confucianism and old-school divided where psychology/mental health is eschewed by oversimplified -not to mention, misguidedly reductive- spiritual and proverbial doctrines. While their convention advice is well convententially fine, they do not empathize or don't even attempt to under- or -misunderstand what I'm going through. They think mental health and psychology is a hoax, for which derides and insults the introspective and auto-didactic studies I've embarked on.

It's like why should I comply with my psychopharmacotherapy anymore? My issues and mental health ventures don't exist in their paradigm. Right now, things are reaching a state of tranquility, but the emotional triangle of unresolved issue only stifles my investment and commitment into my recovery. I mean, what does recovery matter, when it is invisible to them? Perhaps medication dis-compliance and to deliberately showcase my symptoms and psychosis in front of family would be more telling than to try to argue my case on real terms. This double bind of family dynamics... it's a slap in the face, and their self-righteousness only adds fuel the the fire. Perhaps it will be an perpetual power struggle with such authoritarian power structure that my family internalizes, but I am willing to fight the fight - for the sake of my identity and individualism.

It's evermore the reason I choose to rebel for the autonomy, agency of self, and blatant freedom I seek to restore and defy.

[CMYK]

If you ever have a chance to have dinner with Freddy one-on-one and then wander around Boston afterwords, do it.

[sknss]

Why did you cut your hair freddy

[freddy]

I'm very frustrated with my dad after meeting-up with him last night. It's difficult to follow his eccentricity, shifting moods, sarcasticness, and overall sense of euphoria. I've been quite observant nowdays and only engage passively; I realize he doesn't form deep emotional connections in the present. He fits a lot of the criteria that I endured before with being Freddy back in the day, and as well as sterotypical schizophrenic behavioral lifestyles I see and read of others. I like to think my dad is a high functioning schizophrenic but doesn't necessarily fit or need assisted psychiatric rehabilitation--but in the eyes of other family members, he is difficult to live and function with.

I hope that the more I reocery I don't realize that my dad is truly schizophrenic/psychotic as well, but it's becomes more evidently so by every contact I make with him. Perhaps I can let go of the resentment and anger I've had over the years idk

[freddy]

I just had this revelation: had I not done what I did, defying the odds and obstacles in pursuit of my journey, I wouldn't be at the place where I am today

I suppose it's a bittersweet moment to realize. The next chapter is to do damage-control and it's going to be a long and bumpy road nonetheless..! So much for finding my answers... :/ (smiling)

[freddy]

This how I feel other people feel when dealing with me (smiling)

[freddy]

[freddy]

I'm out of places to hide....where I can now start living the real me. The days of agony, self-loathing, and nternalized oppression is a just a figment of the past. Idk where to start and what to do -- everything feels too surreal.

[can-]

surreal shenniagans

[freddy]

What is schizophrenia? What is schizophrenia for Freddy??

Schizophrenia for me makes it incredibly difficult to coherently convey my thoughts in a linear sequitur manner, especially when I'm overstimulated/over-aroused - to which anti-psychotics lessen/regulates the overactive dopamine in my brain chemistry. Despite procuring more stability medication wise, there are also a slew of cognitive impairments - especially with memory, attention span, motivation, focus, etc. other things include poor sleep hygiene, amotivation, asocial secondary symptoms. However, cognitive therapy and training the mind to work the areas of deficits can foster and revitalize new neural growth - neuro-plasticity. I'm also in an early intervention program for which I'm with other folks that are in similar clinical trajectories as me, where we overcome our symptoms together and foster collective recovery.

Fortunately for me, unlike the typical typification of this mental disorder, contrary to popular belief, while it is a hallmark symptom, clinically, hallucinations be it auditory or visual, it is not requirement to meet the diagnostic criteria for schizophrenia. And those who have experienced such, the person doesn't have to experience it constantly - it can manifest in transient ways and circumstantially, especially with a lot of stress. Stress is a big determinant factor for psychotic symptoms, which is why I have a difficult time with my chaotic family dynamics and housing instability that contributed to a lot my non-psychotic symptoms too.

I reckon that my diagnosis was difficult to ascertain because I did not present a 'clear-cut' psychotic episode, a lot of it was acted-out online as Freddy; but I was on a verge of one as per the PAI (Personality Assessment Inventory) that I did during my voluntary in-patient psychiatric hospitalization - and in the face of my clinical team where they can see how much I was trying to mitigate and 'fight' my symptoms. And course, my incessant academic psychology reading was attempts for understanding my internal experience - to assimilate and find the words, especially the meaning, to my all-over-the-place internal experience. With that said, I believe my onset started when I began to escape from my day-to-day social life, and into online and with fashion - that began just about 5 years ago. Early twenties is a typical period of onset, especially for males.

As I began heavily disconnect from the real world at 18, with not knowing a definitive "why?" nor I began my quest to search for "answers", answers that I don't know where I would lead myself into, what I will find, and who I will become in the process. I suppose it's a realization that such journey has lead me to a unique place here as I record my travels into my mind and share with you my findings and the battles that I've faced. As much wackiness and eccentricity of my online persona and IRL that I have left y'all with puzzled, scared, confused, violated, or concerned, I hope you were able to understand my search for what it means to be Freddy - and that y'all, be left with frustration or amused, were an integral part of who I am today.

I found my answers, despite the fact that I keep chanting it over and over again, and I am "better" for it, but I don't know whats next... but stay in tune if y'all are willing

[freddy]

Something doesn't add up. :/ I keep thinking about the last post I made and how I made it.i still have a hard time constructing my thoughts despite it being more grounded. I'm still easily distracted/restless and my thoughts while coherent is still scrambled. I can't sit still in my psych rehab class. I'm failing my cognitive remediation study for schizophrenia by not feeling motivated to do it, distracted easily, etc. I think I might have ADD/ADHD that went amiss. Ironically, a lot of kids get misdiagnosed as ADD/ADHD prior to their schizophrenia, but I think I have it as well.

Luckily I have a PCP appointment this Thursday and I'm going to talk to him about a cognitive neurology referral. I dunno. I feel like I'm crossing my psychosis/schizophrenia team but then they're not a neuropsych clinic nor are they child/developmental psychiatrists.

[freddy]

It's been almost a year since I've been consistently on psychiatric medication and things have been going swell lately. I'm still living in a transitional mental health shelter awaiting for my own place. I've gotten to meet all sorts of wonderful people and make friends who are apart of the mental health community. My psychological well-being has been well as I'm not overwhelmed with depression and anxiety as before. I am much less triggered and hypersensitive to stimuli that in turns activates my underlying psychotic symptoms. Despite my earlier qualms, I have more coherency with my speech and clarity in organizing thought that is no longer "racing" into disorganized stream of consciousness. Disorganization to say the least is very much my primary/core symptom as a person with schizophrenia. Now that I've come to the realization of my personal struggles be it mentally and in behaviorally, this blog gives me something to stride and work towards my organizational skills. Having an audience for everyone that reads also gives me the empowerment and encouragement to work harder on improving my mental organization through writing in general.

I've talked about the aforementioned cognitive issues and I was able to get a better sense of "what's what" with neuropsychological testing. First, It is known that people with schizophrenia (and other related psychotic disorders) have associated cognitive impairments/deficits. After all, there are known structural abnormalities associated with the circuitry in the brain that affects specifically the decision-making or "thinking areas" of the brain for those with psychotic disorders. This neuroscience stuff is what I would like to learn more about. Moreover, neuropsych testing has shown that I have working memory deficits which is expected for those specifically with a psychotic disorder. This means my short-term memory isn't that great compared to the normative-average population. This translates into forgetfulness like misplacing keys and forgetting where I've put things, inability to quickly recall something when asked, or even the ability the remember phone numbers. However, my long-term memory is quite good. So if I am able to somehow "get it in" with remembering information, it "stays in" very good. My information-processing was remarked by the neuropsychologist as 'superior' so I have that going for me to offset my deficits. As for the ADHD concern, the cognitive impairments associated with schizophrenia looks eerily like ADHD. However a schizophrenia diagnosis supersedes one that of ADHD - and to meet the DSM-5 critera for ADHD, one must not be diagnosed with a psychotic disorder.

In light of all of this, I do face common existential crisis as to what do I do with my life next. I'm toying with the idea of returning back to community college to continue where I abruptly left off for which I am appealing my academic suspension in the meantime. For this path, I have to work on my remedial courses and electives. I would now qualify for disability services for academic accommodations (i.e. note-taker, 1.5x time on tests, extended deadlines, etc.). However, something tells me that I'm not quite ready and I'm still interested in my unstructured personal studies. The concern with my counselors and clinicians is what am I going to do with all the unstructured time come the Spring semester. I've disliked summer classes so waiting until the summer is out of the question. I prefer going back in the Fall but that seems like a long time away. I just don't feel that I've learnt or developed the study skills such as note-taking, or have the attention span, or the ability to sit through a course. Impulsivity ("acting before thinking") is undoubtedly an issue for me which I am concerned about performing well within a structured classroom setting and meeting deadlines. It's difficult for me to sit through a public lecture or attend my rehabilitation classes, if not for taking many breaks and fiddling on my phone. I've had a spotty academic record since junior high, but I haven't foregone the thought of academic redemption. I could also go to online school that is competency-based and is at my own pace but that would seem like a consolation prize if anything at most.

Whatever I choose to do and whenever I choose to return to school, it's now solely left up to me to decide as I'm not up to any filial obligation or family pressures. Perhaps it's because of the imminent move that I'll be making soon is what fuels my reluctance, which would be a huge transition from my current living situation. Maybe if I also knew what I want to exactly do, I'd be more compelled or driven to return and make something out of school into who I'll be and what I'll want to do. Anyhow, this is just an update as to what Freddy has up been up to and has been thinking about lately.

[freddy]

so i just agreed to be a mental health consumer-speaker at a legisative breakfast, which I will be sharing my recovery story and give feedback about my MH program that is state-funded/supported at the state house early next month. kinda nervous, kinda excited. i asked if i could not dress up bc i want to them to see me as an everyday person with my steez

[freddy]

[freddy]

A bit of a more coherent update: It's been a bit over a year since I've lived at my state-run transitional mental health shelter now. Because of some paperwork snafu and my open court case (assault on family member) at the time that has now been been dismissed my application for my mental health group home is taking longer than expected. I'm in the process of reapplication but it is "fast-tracked" so I should be moving in a few more weeks hopefully. It is the next step towards more independent living without the curfew and the need for late and overnight passes, and without having round-the-clock on-staff nurse and mental health worker staff as I have now.

What I can say is that it's been a unique experience to understand and experience the safety nets in place for the mentally ill – those who experience homelessness whether that's being discharged from the hospital when family won't take them in or a client has been previously living independently. Also, I am fortunate that I have been connected with services like shelter support when I stumbled upon the proper treatment program for my more unrealized and now more accurate psychiatric illness. Though, I have met many who come from various spectrum of psychiatric/psychotic illness – I am fortunate that I was able to stumble early-intervention despite be in a psychotic state for I reckon a few years. My illness could have progressed to the point where I would probably be encapsulated in perpetuity in my psychosis.

While I have complained about my cognitive impairments in the past months, recently, I have felt significant improvements. It's likely because my frontal cortex is still 'healing' and the six-month cognitive remediation I did (which was one of the most difficult things I've done in my life) has contributed to progress. I still have difficult time sitting in groups and having absolute concentration but it's still not stopping me from reading and studying. However, I just have narrow it to tangible goals that can blossom into real life results. If I haven't mentioned before, such attentional deficits happen with many who deal with psychotic disorders. It's just that the DSM-5 as of right now and public knowledge is biased to recognizing the hallmark hallucinatory and erratic behaviors of this disorder. I hope the research studies that I do on the various subdomains of memory of my illness that will shed evidence and insightful discoveries into these aforementioned cognitive deficits.

Finally, a testament to my progress is my recent speech about journey of my utilization of services and advocacy for early-intervention programs at the statehouse, which I had editorial assistance but I was able to produce significant core work myself to begin. I needed help with untangling convoluted thoughts/sentences and grammatical mistakes that I thank my friend and his mom. I have grammatical mistakes are because I did not have a proper education in English, but of course, that can be remedied. Despite the fact that it is easy for me to fall on the tracks of being communicatively lazy, if I put in the effort, I can communicate coherently. I hope to now strive for simplicity, better syntax, and lessened wordiness that stems from the deficits of the language/communication dysfunction that is associated with psychotic illness.

It was interesting to be incoherent Freddy back then, as it is now to be more coherent Freddy now when I try. We'll see where I go once I move. Stay tuned.

[freddy]

6 months of living on site at the NIHcampus. This has my name written all over it. Hopefully its pays enough for me to play 2/5 No Limit Holdem, pay off debt, and/or cop Balmainciaga outfit...maybe hookers and blow too.

[can-]

how do you pronounce lululz

[freddy]

So I signed my lease yesterday and the 25th is when I move to my MH group home. By then I will be 24 years old. Upon transitioning to my new place, I will graduate from my early-intervention program to one that is more out-patient oriented that is more appointment focused with minimal/no groups. Unfortunately, I am disqualified from the six-month NIMH study because of my previous medical history of cancer/chemotherapy. However, I'm in the determination stages of starting an online-based/only study that revolves around using an iPad to facility socio-cognitive training and group therapy. This is a deviation from the in-person studies that I have been through so far. I will be able to connect with folks from all throughout the states with the research team based in SF. I will also participate in an year-long iOS app/ monthly MRI scan study, which I will have to answer daily about my mood/feelings/symptoms.

Anyways, I don't know what else to write and if I should continue this thread. There are many times where I want to get rid of it completely and let this forum focus more on fashion discussions. Sometimes I have insecurities about the search engines picking up my thread and my psuedo-anonymous existence here. However, a apart of me wants to leave it for whoever comes across it. For me, as long as I continue taking my medication and keep myself somewhat constructively busy with more "normal" day-to-day life, there isn't left for much for me to share in terms of my revelations and self discoveries. Eventually, I'll move-out of the group home into my own place. Eventually I'll pursue romantic interests with more intent and a more harmonious mind. Perhaps y'all will come across with me outside of my pen name on here. What I do know is that I have found my answers and am glad to not have done it alone.

"Freddy"

[ramdomthought]

Happy for you fredster

Do keep in touch here if you ever feel it -- you're a great dude and (selfishly) always glad to see blips of you and your successes here and there. I'm sure I'm not alone in that, as the quick reps to your post reinforce!

[freddy]

Thanks for the kind words ramdom and everyone for the support. I was thinking tonight that with such support I'd share with y'all my statehouse speech before I ultimately decide on anything. My thread here is a culmination of assorted and stream of thoughts. I think y'all deserve to see something more coherent that I've been sharing IRL.

[freddy]

Feels great that I accomplished something over these years.

[freddy]

It's been interesting that during my psychosis trying to figure out yourself while not blaming others for your mental misfortune, it's not enough to satisfy people. I say this is because I've encountered a lot of animosity/resentment for not being on the traditional path of life (work/school) during my psychotic years. Like "go get a job" "sell your clothes" giving me the >: "r u srs" look about etc. I mean, I've paid the financial and social price to "buy time" for these past several years to figure myself out. It's even more interesting when you have a semi-high-end wardrobe where people conjure all sorts of ideas about me. I mean I've proved a lot of people wrong, I took the other pathway to find myself and my answers, yet it as if people will never understand. Perhaps it's because I was able to keep a decent appearance/facade and fool many. Perhaps it's because I'm on the "high functioning" spectrum of schizoaffective disorder. Perhaps people should realize my negative symptoms overwhelmed my positive symptoms and society/public views positive symptoms of schizohprenia-spectrum disorder instead. Perhaps they should realize that cognitive impairments/deficets / sleep hygiene research is not yet sufficent enough to underwrite into the psychotic disorder criterion of the DSM-5. Perhaps I will never be able to convenience and solicit the empathy or understanding from people of the circumstances and paths I have to take to arrive to my state of functioning now. Maybe it's that I don't need to gain ppls approval or validation about it all and that I can start living lyfe with agency and security despite what ppls say now.

[freddy]

https://www.futurelearn.com/courses/car ... izophrenia

^CARING FOR PEOPLE WITH PSYCHOSIS AND SCHIZOPHRENIA KING'S COLLEGE LONDON" - 2 week course

I hate to bump the thread so soon, but I just wanted to share about this 2 week course. It's pretty good material for what I've skimmed though. It's much more consistently and succinctly said and presented (nonetheless interactive) than I can organize and remember to cover everything about psychosis and schizophrenia. So if you have time this summer and want to know "how to care 4 freddy" this is your chance!1!11

And if I'm going to have to bump this thread so soon, I'll have to make a worthwhile post:

-------------------------------------

Dear future self and concerned people who care,

I am writing in advance to you all and myself in the event that I become psychotic, be it that I am unable to replenish my supply of prescription Ablify/Depakote whilst traveling abroad, or teetering on the thought that I am "above" taking my medication. My symptoms should I become psychotic should revert primarily to 'negative' symptoms, but could very well have some 'positive ones' : social isolation/withdrawal, intensified/disorganized/rapid thinking, anxiety/depression, paranoia, poor sleep hygiene (over/under-sleep), incoherent language/ramble-ly speech, "lulululz" delusions. In his psychotic state, should, I, Freddy, have the ideas to liberate Palestine and Israel by way of provoking insightful and confrontation questions as an innocent Asian-American, do not be frightened. Should Freddy have ideas to liberate and ameliorate the dysfunctions of the U.S. racial tension where he can remedy the socio-politics/dynamics of fostering camaraderie and solidarity with all peoples, don't be afraid. In your previous psychosis of several years, this was your psychotic dream. It was your dream to liberate the world of its disharmonious social relations between race, class, gender. In your dream you wish to studied endlessly about the sociology, identity/gender politics, psychology, history to understand the world at large. You wish to replicate the world of which you had pre-psychosis - to replicate the social experiences with various diverse racial relations you had in the inner-city schools and mental health programs/services you went to with everyone in the world as a united human community. Should you feel that you wish to not take medication because of boredem, or for whatever reason, to reach you psychotic dreams to liberate the world of its ailments and its human misunderstandings, let it be known that in doing it is not necessary for you jeopardize your health to reach your dreams.

Freddy, you have every potential and ability to actualize into the person you want to become to make your dreams come true. You just have to be crazy enough to go after it.

Sincerely, your past self,
Freddy