by freddy » Mon Sep 29, 2014 4:54 am
So it seems that I am responding well to the atypical antipsychotic medication (Ablify) – seeing that have semi-adverse side-effects. We have plans to taper it down to 2mg rather than the original 5mg, which is already a low-dose. Because I am abstaining from it for this whole week and more to see if I can be symptom-free, I am revert back to erratic sleep schedules and illusive thinking. This is all good news if you aren't sure. Conversely, it's unfortunate with the Fall season here that I find myself once again time and mentally constraint to be in all faucets of the internets as I would like to participate in. Psychosocial interventions/programs and mental health involvements keep me busily at bay now. I suppose in deference I will come back with much more insightful thoughts to bring to the dinner-table than before.
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I've been thinking just now about why do I despite getting a lot of grief (and sometimes compliments) for my incessant fashion habits, that I still continue such ventures and fall into close folks and family's cross-hairs – let alone the cross-hairs online? What I've boiled it down to is that not only that is serves as a function of self-expression, I reckon that fashion is an excellent provocation tool, especially in the realm of trying harmonize relations at home. What do I mean by provocation? Surprisingly, it attracts the attention of others, where it allows me to promote and facilitate inquiring conversation. Instead of charging at me head-on, it is oftentimes deflected and distracted by my appearance. I don't care about status or posturing, I mean it's Americana workwear mainly that I have for fuck-sakes, where I reckon most folks cannot attribute a symbolic recognition to the stuff I wear over say more "flashier" brands. For conversation, I mean with people who have an issue with such egregious and frivolous spending, such eye-widening presentation, it bestows me the ability to redirect the reactions into insightful self-reflection in others. For my mother, basically it allows me to get her angry not just at me but at the idea of what I am doing, so it serves as a decoy for procuring objective discussions. "SO what is exactly wrong with XYZ, mom?"
Don't get me wrong, it sounds like I feed off the hate, but I can assure y'alls it's not. It's just an interesting phenomenon that I've noticed when I get can some condescending remarks and then compliments with the same piece or outfit, if not, sometimes even on the same day. What's more important is to utilize this with my mother. It's akin to me growing my hair out too as a rebel-punk kid. Simply, if I follow the rules with obedience, then effectively I am relegated to a lope-sided relationship – because there is effectively no equilibrium and balance between us. So I don't follow the rules. I suppose you can label this as being rebellious, but it's more-so me being me first and unsuspecting remarks allow me to have some leverage and direction and understand the implicit communication behind it – the transference/countertransference paradigmatic matrix that is. However, I will say that it has been particularly realizing on the reactions that folks have with what I wear sometimes too. It's an added bonus that I have come to realized that goes with my fashion pursuits.
I also wonder: What conjoins us all in fashion? I also like to think that fashion is a perfect talking-point that with many goes awash in the realm of normative day-to-day discussion. Yes, I can come off as an overt fanatic – but that's more-so of my regressive and impulsive, nonetheless infantilism that gets in the way. For more serious discussions, I think the continual and unidimensional aspects of how metaphysical fashion can be, can stir-up some real unconscious realizations we have that can go amiss beyond the existential/ontological quandaries. Verbal communication and body language can be limiting too, if we can acknowledge and process it beyond the cyberspace dimension. Contextualization is very important to recognize the self-expression of others. So I like to think of how the clothes I have amounted so far represents me in the current moment of wearing it. And yes, I am completely "out-of-place" when I do wear it. And I think my rebellious growing-up has lead me to live a very dialectical/dichotomous lifestyle, nonetheless such perspective at a large with society is what quintessentially represents me being "freddy". Counterproductive relations with normal and rational people due in part from the rebellious and dialectical communications that go no where.
Because of the very nature of the dichotomization and contradictory relational dynamics I grew up in, not only did I feel self-ostracized and alone, but it was a way for me to embrace such exotic and peculiar ways. I think much of my dichotomous humor is parallel to such upbringing, the spot-on insta-recognition of how to infer the complete opposite of the premise. Effectively what I am realizing is that I am narrowing the band between such riff-raff jokester communication into something more direct, genuine, and authentic. For I believe many frustrated folks who have interacted with are awaiting for me to achieve and nonetheless internalize as a mature person. Heh. I won't go without saying that it is particularly tough when you grow up oscillating the opposite of what people say – it can get mentally and emotionally taxing. That is why sometimes trolling and jokes can short-circuit my mental faculties/brain, even if it's my own to self-incrminate; and I get lost into my own entanglement of intertwined thoughts too. When don't I? But realizing this, such opposite communication relations is what fosters intimate discussions too. It prompts folks to correct and re-assert their feels, how they really feel. I know such is the same when this happens to me with my mother; the frustration and especially the feelings of invalidation during the exchange.
So what becomes a dialectical relationship in my communication translates into full-on irony into my asthetic-fashion-sense and the context in which I wear my clothes. Where I could be wearing more formal stuff, I wear informal; where it is formal occasion/environment, I wear informal. Head-to-toe denim where there is bounds. Dress shirt and minimalistic apparel where there is no bounds. Simply, with such aforementioned thinking, I suppose I just don't like to fit-in as it is not my default comfort state-of-being ever, thus the turbulent push-pull-inversed dynamics I procure. Coherency aside, perhaps I'll get to consistency and congruency in all dimensions and contexts, especially in my communication. I have become jaded with being inverse in all-things-everything. And perhaps the moment when I'll achieve such tranquility is where I find alliance and connectedness wholesomely with others in the entirety of this world. Though, it's not to say that direct-straighttalk isn't something that I can't muster-up and do from time-to-time, but it's a lot of fucking work as it is not natural phenomenon for me. Let's just say that I am out-of-orbit here drifting away, and I suppose it's okay for now, especially now that I am self-actualizng such in my own reality. However, I do hope that in wishing and earnestly striving towards a better, more harmonious, no-bullsht, no-gimmicks, no-passive-aggressveness, a simply genuine relationship with my mother that I will become and ascribe to be less "4real??" and more "for real." that I will dock-back-to-base soon.
Time will tell when and if I will ever get there. But don't mind me if I neg rep sometimes while I float around working on it though Lulz