Freddy's personal shenniagans, lululz, and ramblings thread

[freddy]

Ok. So I'm taking the plunge on writing my day-to-day (hopefully) shit.

This was drafted Friday night:

Anyways, I went to a lecture and a support group for family/relatives for my mom's BPD (Borderline personality Disorder).

If you guys aren't familiar with me, I've been delving into deep self-exploration and intense self-focus, to what I realize no was an existential crisis/depression. So I've spent a little over one year heavily reading/studying into all things pertaining to academically psycho-theory and neuroscience. Longer reading meditation/self-help books. I took a huge sabbatical when I was 18 because I was at my wits ends in being overwhelmed with a lot of life events; oral surgery, ending my internship, and starting courses, when I snapped and regressed when a friend made a comment about that I was wasting his time, when I was arriving late to catch a ride with him to sports practice. For me all throughout, I've been going with the flow and pretty much being very neurotic and narcissistic IRL, kinda like how I am on IRC - though that was only when I was able to compartmentalize the stress and issues I have with my family – or more particularly my mom.

Anyways, I self-diagnosed her with BPD, one the most misdiagnosed, complicated, and ill-advised mental health illness. There's a lot of push-pull when intimately relating to people, and an unstable/transient sense of self, a lot of emotional dysregulation and irrational/illogical frames of thinking. Unfortunately with a caregiver that doesn't really posses a stable identity and is constantly in emotional fear of abandonment, I didn't really understand/learn healthy social/relationship dynamics, though it's not that I can't make conversation now if I'm not busy trying to sort through my shit or am stressed out. It was a big retreat for me to be sucked into many hobbies and XYZ to keep me busy. Though, I think I got tired and felt I really had to address this lacking of identity some point later in life, when I'm older, when I can detach a bit from home. That time was when I was 18 and I had already moved out.

A big proponent for me to find a sense of self/identity was first through clothes. At that time, my internship and wearing bis cas really gave me a leg up confidence-wise; however, it wasn't really applicable for day-to-day college life. And I couldn't bring my experience from working to the college environment. I went through, I guess you can say, a late self-discovery stage that should have happened in High School? But it instead happened then. Fashion was a great way for me to have me question the aesthetics and things in my life and what how I wanted to present myself going forward. In essence, wanting to self-expressed myself, it forced me to find a semblance or a working model of who/what I wanted to be. it was also a great way for me to talk and get to know all sorts of people, holy shit i'm on care-tags, which really expanded my world. Despite having a relatively large network of friends here, I still felt a bit socially suffocated. I mean, i grew up, bounded to the working-class/hood areas, whereas now I have no qualms about going and talking to folks in the baller areas.

My attitude, language, demeanor had to change over time as well, because you ain't gonna get good service if you're speaking hood-rat language. Being in more mainstream yuppie places, put myself into anxiety-ridden situations, which gave me something to analysis and confront. Eventually, I've analysised enough to really paved the way into figuring out the overall dynamics and tensions that brewed growing up. And because I was using people to keep me busy while going with the flow, I had to push a lot of people, almost everyone away, to provoke anxiety and analysis my feelings/transference. Day-to-day incidents are merely incidental and minuscule, but I was asking myself, "where was these big feels coming from??"

So these past two days, I got to share my story with others whom are affected with borderline folks, which was really realizing for me. I had an moment of realization that holy fuck, I am playing in an American movie, that I grew up watching; everyone was white-middle-class+ and are college educated. What was interesting was it was emotionally tense hearing everyone's stories of how they were affected with their children usually. I also felt this immense transference (attraction) with the creator/group leader whom is like at least 45y/o+ with a 21 year old daughter, because I think a lot of the dynamics of her life and inner world resonates and we connect with each other. The other other co-group leader also had a 21 year old daughter, and I think I hit their empathy spot because I, myself, am 21 as well. I'm making light of it here because I like to think it's just idealize the transference between our inner worlds psychical, not physical attraction.

There was a seminar the day after, and I tried to connect with one of the mom's who were attending. However, I was caught off guard, and got semi-provoked a bit, because of her weird logic. During the presentation and the 1st class, this lady has been talking about how she wants answers for XYZ because her daughter has BPD and that she also has a baby. It seemed like she was concerned about the baby, or so I thought. I wanted to explain to her about affect regulation/attachment theory/child development yada yada but I was interjected because she rationalized that she is not concerned about the baby, saying that her daughter loves the baby. In my mind was, why the fuck were you so emotionally concerned or brought up the baby in the first place. She all throughout the presentation she was incessantly knitting and being fidgety and shifty which kinda weirded me out. Her tone was kind of abrupt and I doubt she was able to mentalize much about the emotional setting of the audience. I mean she's from a well-to-do town, so she's not inarticulate because I think it paints the picture how problematic personalities are not singled out to just one specific socialeconomic class.

Anyways, Thanksgiving is coming up, and there is a huge power politics that I have to engage in. I'm taking a huge personal and financial risk to devote my time studying up on all things psychology. In other words, I am enduring all the quarter-life/mid-life crisis now, and reworking all the dysfunctional mess that I grew up and become associated with. I'm also trying to plan for next semester, and hopefully try to go back and take lightweight courses, but really it is to secure some more funds (loans) to buffer my living expenses. I can call it quits and work and do XYZ and push my not resolving (compartmentalizing) my problems/faulty thinking aside but I think it'll work out and be all for the better. I'm also looking to make amends to a lot of the people I pushed away because I was trying to figure myself out. It's also the fact most of the folks my age are going to graduate this year, and I want to connect before neither of us has school/academics for us to anchor in this town.

[sid3000]

please explain the impacts RRL and Barbour have made in your development and healing process.
(love)

[starfox64]

whoops wrong thread

[schiaparelli]

one thing that's always interesting for me in reading your ramblings is that you externalize a lot of thoughts and feelings and motivations and queries that i feel are hidden underneath this filmy layer of unconsciousness for me, and i think there's something kind of cool in being able to just lay out and organize, in a sense, your character development (the same way you would try to understand the character development of someone you are writing/reading about). also interesting in that you have this very direct experience with clothing && class && identity formation which is something we all toy with to different degrees, but the way you express it is so beautiful

um
something something good post good thread +rep

[can-]

Freddy thanks for posting this thread, I relate to you. I've only really committed to my happiness sometime in the last 16 months and have worked quite hard to undo the damage done by negligent (though well meaning) parents. (sorry this isn't supposed to sound dramatic and I'm not fishing for sympathy)

it is my experience that it's very hard (I would say impossible) to do any work on yourself in a vacuum. no amount of self analysis, introspection, assembly of self via clothing etc can compare to the kind of growth you will find working in and on social relationships. in fact, I notice myself and others use these obsessions (can be fashion, and commonly fitness or nutrition) as a way to abstract from the real issue at hand. 'if my wardrobe/outfit is cohesive and satisfactory, I will have achieved (identity)' or 'if I can make my body this way, I will earn (validation)' etc. but obviously these are improper ways to resolve the original conflict, which is quite frustrating to people because they can't understand why they aren't getting what they want.

does your experience corroborate this idea

[freddy]

I meant to refine/reflect on this thought even more but I've been p occupied this past week and kind of ran into a writer's block– hopefully this gives a semi-insight to answering/responding to y'all. Hopefully this isn't too pretentious as I am utilizing a lot of academic psychoanalytic frameworks and terminology to outline my dismay. Unfortunately, it is hard to describe the implicit communications of internal mental states and inner world of your mind aka double speak/feels with virtual world (u guys) and mother-son relations (psychodynamics of BPD and dysfunctional family) on a super fiscal manner. It is perhaps upon comprehensively outlining every nuance of my life, I will be able to present and enlighten y'all in a jargon-free and lululz-lay-man outlay in the future. For now, this will have to do because fuck y'all

-

I always knew from the beginning that clothes was not an outlet despite my seemingly endless copping way back when. It was a chosen choice. I have no qualms about it. This is why I am precarious about posting fits on WAYWT and handling how I receive compliments, I am mindful of being dependent on the validation that it can bring in. However, alongside with copping, I was also trying to paint the my internal picture. On another part, a lot of clothes copping was to leverage me with social power in XYZ situations and circumstances, which proved tremendously helpful. I probably wouldn't have been in certain places or this level of self-awareness had I not in conjunction worn the clothes I worn. And I found my aesthetic preferences to be contrary to the sartorial community avail online that I had partook in.

I was adamant about resolving my internal/original conflicts since the summer of 2010 and previously dabbling on it a year prior – having need to wait until social dynamics align up. My copping with fashion has subsidized and tapered significantly, and I am still not off the hook for XYZ conflicts. I first and foremost believe identity is an internalized concept within the mind, and not through arbitrary external factors – aka showing off your feathers with clothes/fashion. Masculinity and femininity which get commingled a lot with fashion talk are again internalized views upon self first and with biological underpinnings secondly. As unconscious and seemingly unendingly bombarding y'all with my continual consciousness of thoughts; behind the scenes, I am adamantly conscious and working as diligently possible to posit resolving my issues in the most beneficial manner. I never know when my funding/time is going to be cut short where I will have to retract from my self-exploration into integrating back into realism. With the idea of never knowing when I'll have call it quits, also provokes additional anxiety day-to-day concurrent with my agenda on deliberately confronting my inner world that is prone to unearthing neuroticness, to ultimately schematically map, organize, re-shape healthy schemas and internal working models.

With that said, I believe character development, or more accurately here -- identity development -- is an internal manifestation within the mind itself. For me, I took a deliberate sabbatical in 2010 (which I am still continuing as of writing) and that I did not intend my participation in the virtual worlds of MFA or IRC to become enlivened. I did not expect that such participation with unfold and amount to psuedo (if I may, respectfully) online relationships. I guess it is a bonus for me to have alongside my journey. My departure to many things IRL was a deliberate one because my internal world was full of disorganized chaos and utter confusion. Identity is only one aspect of it. Undeniably, Reddit was indeed a coping mechanism and an enterprise for me to pass time in a semi-productive way; however, again it was an outlet for self-discovery that would ultimately world views and understanding of variety of subjects. Unfortunately, due to social and timing of circumstances, I could not participate in formal education that was available to me at the fullest of my capacities. In addition the educational opportunities of the inner city were insufficient to what I realize were a wide array of knowledge that I needed to attain to help my overcome my, to this day, amounting obstacles. I suppose you could call it a Reddit education.

Unfortunately, my self-discovery and self-explorations are expanding beyond the learning from psuedo-liberal commentary that is of Reddit. It has been my realization and endeavor to now tap into actual books of knowledge, rather than witty hearsay. For someone that has never been particularly comfortable as a book reader and indefinitely lacked the vocabulary was definitely intimidating for me to overcome. I believe my stage of transition to was due in part of ultimately finding a community, albeit online, that shared my same feelings that are contrary and seemingly non-accessibly in my network of surroundings. I believe it was a transformative experience for me to pusedo-roleplay an identity as "freddy," and to also daringly pursue the engagement with those whom interacted with a figment of a devise caricature comprising of 'fit pics' and "lululs" that was ultimately supported as a means of a coping mechanism alongside my own self-discovery in my sabbatical.

Fortunately, I am realizing I will eventually reach the pinnacle depths of intensely studying psychoanalytic/psychodynamic theories that had ultimately help me provide a theoretical framework to organizing the entanglement of internal objects in my matrix of the intrapsyhic mind. One of the defining constellation of conceptualizing Borderline Personality in this psycho application of framework is resultant from a disorganization of internal representation of external objects as in mom, caregivers, neighbors... people. Alongside of that is also not having an internal representation of a coherent and stable identity structure. I suppose this was an intergenerational unconscious passing of such models onto me. What does this mean all exactly? My mother whom was essentially my primary caregiver did not have an ideal and healthy childhood. She underwent severe poverty and trauma growing up in PRC with an unstable, and eventually divorced parents, whom her father unable to provide a safe and validating environment for her as a child to explore enact and play out her fantasies; she had to cope and form a defensive barricade internally and externally.

Essentially I grew up with chaotic parenting by my mother, whom had an internal disorganization of chaos, trauma, conflict, and fear. I

[freddy]

I know it might be startling that I am doing intense self-improvement. And of course being associated with you guys as a fashion community, one can easily utilize clothes and the validation it brings as a self-enhancement to their self-esteem. I knew that I had to keep my fragile self-esteem untouched by clothes despite the industry/community easily attributive many positive qualities which you can then self-elevate yourself with. I think this is how labels and hype can be easily born and identified. However, I like to not have status symbols or namesakes be the pinnacle representation for my external aesthetic wise and subsequently my internal construct of self-esteem. It's all relative. Anywho, I am still adamant about particular brands such as RRL and Barbour, because of their respective defining characteristics that embody the label. I tend to find that I resonate with brands that are semi-low key that garnish merit-ful respect, rather on baseless psuedo-hype. As a person whom is concern with quality, constructions, design, and details, it is because I feel these elements will help display my aesthetic and serves as a translator to color my feels and internal world views. Obviously, an Ann Demeulemeester piece with extravagant details will only portray the designer's intention even better, in contrast if she used lesser quality stuff.

Anyways, one of the pinnacle things that I am doing via self-improvement is to figure out my cognitive biases and distortions and find equilibrium harmony in my internal world. I know you can sometimes, if not usually, find my personality to be intensely oscillating with emotions, euphemisms, puns, and plain outright contradictions. Undeniably, I realize I can do it in a way that really captures the moment and is very on point for lululz. I can easily bend and distort the collective intersubjective of the group or chat into something beyond mainstream and typical while staying attached and relevant on topic but to then also deviate into an alternate black-hole perspective, only to come back again as if I didn't just say all of that and humorously be in denial and shift the onus onto those whom call me out as being delusional.

Diving into the books even more lately, I am understanding the psychoanalytic constructions that better help me understand, paint, and apply these tools in understanding how such internal psychodynamics can manifest in such far-fetched ways. I mean, I say some really dumb shit in conjunction with a rolodex of intensity and emotions, right? The more I understand the dynamics and the many constellation of multidisciplinary theories that converge together to form a theoretical conception of BPD that is continually being refined, the more I realize myself as well. So in other words, the more I understand my mother, the more I understand myself. I now understand and have awareness of where and how my personality structure came to be and how it had reach its pinnacle limitations when I was reaching late adolescent-hood. No longer was I in an umbrella or encapsulated under the guise of being a minor; society expected autonomy and an self-sufficient individual, which deemed challenging looking back.

For my personality, I think it's easy for me to be be coalesced in conjunction with being coalesced with others, in where I my infantile child-like regression can unmount to a shitton of fun and lulls, where it can unintentionally and/or deliberately sabotage our productive and merit-ful real-world needs in becoming a self-sufficient autonomous adult. In other words, I can easily kick my feet up and be laxasidical about things, and I am susceptible with friends whom are can trigger me with their respectfully similar attitudes/personalities. I think it's even more particularly difficult because I was once in an environment full of great academic rigor and challenge, so I was once attributed with having academic potential; however, I am realizing that it was because of my differentiating states along with emotions fueled by internal confusion of having being raised by a mom with a plethora of a personality structure, ultimately had the odds stacked up against me.

I always boast and self-represent myself having come from an inner-city background, which some people elsewhere of this demographics, can find it baffling. I am beginning to realize that a lot of my comrades that I grew up with, indeed did share similar backgrounds to how I grew up. Upon analyzing my interactions in-and-out of the hood areas that comprised of neurotic black and hispanic people, I am to believe BPD is very prevalent amongst the low-income black community particularly, which is proved with a study I found from Temple U. I also find that the urban school culture resonates with me a lot. That their ghetto-speak language is full contradictions and mis-use and in-the-moment words of feels that usually garner the attention of everyone. Sometimes I feel like when I'm talking to you guys on IRC, I am the same way. As much as we like to boast about Kanye or all things thug/black/hip-hop culture, I am also believe this is why I am able to get the language and style-of-speak very on point, in contrast to others whom say derived a lot of in reference from music. For me, speaking like a nigga was what we did in school and outside. (I unfortunately, and fortunately, did not make it far in the academic school environments lol)

I think it's because I went to a daycare that is multicultural of minorities and having interacted/played with kids of all demographics except for white really, that it has allowed me to be more openly engaging with them as I grew up. Now being a Redditor and coming from a semi academic environment, and being on the semi-higher class spectrum of having friends coming from families as poor immigrants, I gravitate to associating with those whom are semi-articulate and intellectual. Though, what's challenging is that I am not completely or engaged in academic studies and don't have an academic background to really be head-to-head with them. I think my background formed up until my sabbatical in 2010 has been oddly and interestingly enough where I feel that it comes into conflict with those whom are usually more stable and settled, especially as we're talking about kids whom successfully made it to college or whom are products of intergenerational families of being educated. I guess my early anxiety was of a bit of a cognitive dissonance of a class-conscious difference in injunction with a stable/linear purview as well. Adamantly however, it was definitely my internal world of confusion and disorganization that led me to not propel and facilitate friendship with my unique background as something different to offer. I mean, I was of college age and in of many college environments, and I'm pretty sure y'all and all are open to meeting all sorts of perspectives.

I like to believe had I not had an overwhelming internal world of confusion and disorganization, I'd be more self-confidence representing my identity – that of which I did not really know.

[freddy]

Hm I keep thinking about what you said Cameron, and I don't think I personally used fashion as a way to perpetuate abstraction or deviate way from the original issue or a way to run away. I like to think despite the fanatical indulging in fashion was initially embarked inclusive of my sabbatical. I just had some funds back then to do so and went on a self-discovery alongside tackling my internal conflicts. It was a time where I realize I could utilize fashion as a mechanism of self-exploration, not necessarily to fulfill a void. I mean, I don't think I'm in denial of the curated selection of clothes I made; it's not like I incessantly bought stuff endlessly without thinking. A lot of analysis underwrote my wardrobe and fits, and being more self-aware of myself and forming my identity right now; I am absolutely content with the shit I copped 100% – like holy shit the shit several seasons I copped prior really resonates to what I sartorial projected would work out come the ideal (right) season to contextually wear X + Y - Z pieces. There is an outline for my sartorial trajectory, and I don't think I was following or emulating a particular sartorial role-mode to live vicariously through them. Though alongside my withdrawal socially, came with intense and immense time to focus on fashion, or more particularly cultivating personal style. I like to think that well, I'm trying to understand what I realize now was constructing and understanding my life up to that point, while forming and assembling an identity to connect my existence. Sometimes I feel as if I were in the movie Vanilla Sky, where the du just drops on the face of earth feeling ungrounded with reality despite being aware of his experience being in said reality (or maybe I am misinterpreting the actual realities of the movie, pls forgive).

I don't know. The more I try to press myself to seek if I regret the cops I've made or if it was justifications for XYZ; I just simply cannot find such reasons. However, it can also be a justification of rationalizing with this post and that I am completely blind-sighted by my naiveté and am deluding myself. Though, it is also perhaps within this paradigm in itself, as I do refer to my entirety of my existence right now as being in a sabbatical from real world, that I am finding peace and awareness of within myself and identity and self-awareness while self-deluding myself. Maybe when I actually gtfo out of my so called sabbatical and into realism, I would have a rather different perspective of a more truthful answer. Upon this FW13 season, I am content with my wardrobe, no longer am I flooded with a rush of dopamine encapsulating myself in the fashion world as before, but again I am not dissatisfied with the entirety of it all. I like to also think it's because I went into fashion with having already been aware that the issue that lies upon myself, and more particularly that of many things identity-related, not so much as an escapist way to cover or deter others of my real personality/identity. I like to think I continue to be the same person with and eventually and without overwhelming conflicts.

With that said, I think the sartorial and wardrobe curation I've done when it seemed like I was unconsciously floating into a subjective world fashion fantasy, has (I'm going to knock your merino wool socks off) really been representative to how I feel realizing now a semblance of an identity. I think what was crucial was that I aimed for my sartorial endeavors, to not to be or emulate of someone or of an elevated figure, but to really depict the aesthetic of clothes and their respective meanings by their designers that underlie their usually seasonal story. For me, because I did not necessarily have the words at a given time to express how I wanted to feel (remember I have oscillating mental states and affect ideas) that finding respective pieces or articles of clothing were to provide a coherent semblance of a consistent external, albeit super fiscal, self-expression of an self-image. It was a guiding force for me to subconciosuly question the internal world of disorganized feels and affects (ideas) that I was able to sometime conjure and exert via externalizing it through clothes. What this sounds a lot like is of a child whom is expressing their internal worlds through abstractions of crayola crayons through drawing and coloring out their fantasies, dreams, and interpretations of the world. It is with clothes and my journey in fashion within my sabbatical, that ultimately provided harmony into self-expressing whom I actually wanted to self-express with these bottled-up feels.

So in many ways, yes, admittedly, I was enacting as a child-like state in which being of a more mature and developed adolescent with improve mental cognitive capabilities, was to articulate my world through means of already previously artistically executable tangible pieces of clothing. In other words, I utilized the pre-existing works of fashion designers through their respective individual pieces, where I for a period of time, scrutinized their works to find a semblance, and ultimately find the one that would accurately portray the art, or more accurately here, the ways in which I wanted to articulate and express my internal world. Because I did not have the coherent internal self-represenations of my own identity nor the coherent metallization to do so verbally. I mean, I did not utilize it to simply just cope with XYZ conflicts but as a tool to schematically map out my conflicts that were encaspulated internally. In turn by the process of externalizing XYZ, I really think believe that fashion was a way to help me draw out my internal world, and to also utilize it as a way to self-elevate me to socially tackle and confront those whom contributed and also provided essential intelligence to help me draw and eventually conflict resolute while subsequently alleviating my internal conflicts. My beef was to not necessarily, or not all, utilize this trajectory to self-elevate ego (myself) to be claim a superiority over others. You can take away the clothes, and I think I've cultivated a more better identity construction and formation that I had before. I like to also think that fashion as a means of self-expression is just similar to wearing non-designer mainstream clothes, it's just that we, or I, would like to do it in more intensely and vividly.

It was also my chosen desire to deliberately not outright buy things based of their values as a status. It is that I actively try to avoid things that can elicit collective preconditioned ideas based on someone else's doing that ultimately do not portray the how I would like to accurately represent myself. I think being into higher-end in niche-boutique designers ultimately was to vividly articulate my intense storm of feels. I don't think I copped for the sake of copping, but my cops coincided with me trying to vividly paint these internal representations that I had a libido dive to do so. Unfortunately and fortunately, it was the designer shit that really spoke to me. RRL and Barbour really spoke to me personally. And I'm not sure how I can be posit superior of someone else if I deliberately. I think people whom see those of high-end clothes or are well put together can be hypersensitive to the personalities behind the clothes. After all if you're vividly painting yourself here, you garner/elicit more vivid emotional reactions from spectators. For me, I based my wearings on my own feels and how I wanted to express myself at all times. Undeniably there is emotional validation for my clothes brought, but I like to believe I am sincere with the clothes I wear. And upon realizing my intense cop-spree, it all worked out for me and still represents me as I write this out today.

I also like to believe that we as fashionista can get a bad rap and being mean. In the light of artwork, we're critizing the respective art. Put a mainstream person whom hasn't really dabbled as fashion as a means of self-expressions, I think they can be thwart off with the reactions and remarks of being critiqued, especially if one attaches overwhelming amounts of their self-esteem to their clothes.

I also then being my own analysand, analyzed what I chose and wanted and eventually what I did with utilizing these picked-out clothes; they were carefully chosen with many reason that proved beneficial, albeit fucking costly though.

[freddy]

What I'd miss??

If you guys haven't realized already, I'm a huge instigator and provocative person – impulsively and un-impulsivly. I'm not a person that is afraid to self-ostracize myself from the group. I like to see what buttons and levers I can push, so I am never to be worried about what social contagion I can start.

So with that said:

One of the major proponents of my sabbatical right now is amassing huge social risk in trying to alter and change political discourse to the very people I grew up with. I mean you guys can baffle at the fact that I'm being very serious about my studies, which is fueling my oppositional and rebel endeavors. However, I am proud to acknowledge that it is paying off and the trajectories are materializing the way I anticipated to – 3+ years ago. I will comment that it is particularly tough to depart and split-off when you grow up with dysfunctional and all-over the place environment. I am happy that I have chose the course I chose; to utilize clothes as a way of social leverage to ascend me beyond the roots of "inner-city".

At the turn of being an official adult, I chose not to relocate due to family matters at home and unresolved what I realized internal conflicts were subsuming me for throughout adolescent years. Supported family and friends were not providing the ideal advice to elevate and resolve the issues I had pertaining to family dynamics. Sometimes I look back to realize that shit that they did fuck up, that they were ill-acknowledged or aware of the advice they were giving. There are a lot of non-profit organizations that relate to my life growing up and they were also ill-advised in relation to my needs. Understandably, in retrospect, they were unaware of the severity of BPD – let alone mental health in general – and its affects within the sphere of family dynamics.

Suffice to say that mental health from my own studies, research, and realizations is inadequately understood. There are a lot of dynamic forces of academic divides and applied practice oppositions pertaining to all things mental health. The field is additionally going through a vortex of neuroscience infusion, so this leaves the state of psychotherapy very vulnerable to much yearning for change and re-structralization of their respective specialty. Realizing this, I realized that it was dynamic things aligning that allowed me to discover BPD and things that underlie and support the current conceptualization of it. Dynamic systems theory.

For me, I have had no qualms finding my own answers and self-discovery departing to the environment I came from. I mean, I don't tell people to "fuck off" for no reason (aside from sarcasm and social experimental stake), but again, because the community I grew up with did not hold the answers that I very much needed; telling them to "fuck off" was the best thing that happened. Of course, it is no easy feat blowing people off and putting folks on the back-burner, especially since they have a vied for an investment of an emotional attachment to me. A lot of people that were dear to my life had ego-ideals and narcissistic desires to help me reach my potential.

Fortunate for me, sometimes I unconciously know how to read and intrepret emotions very well and ask a lot of piquing questions to make people feel warm and interested. Again, I have no qualms about self-ostraicizing myself from a particular group or function. I like to relate this to the Americana aesthetic that I heartly embrace, to seek the wild and adventures where "no man has gone before." In turn, when I didn't crash and burn three years ago fumbling into my now present-day sabbatical, I have no qualms engaging and socially connecting whomever piqued my interest, which in turn, allowed posit me into the role as a dynamic social connector. In certain areas of town, I can't go without being recognized or having to recognize and inevitably acknowledge someone.

Reeedit and fashion became jointed force for escapism. In many ways it allowed me to keep at bay with a semblance of personal intimacy, while hammering away at understanding my internal world of existential chaos and disorganization. I am sure y'all are familiar with my lack of cohesive and near, if not, psychotic-like, or very much psychotic rupture of social participation. Suffice to say, I am well known for being thatfuckingguy that has his moments, but it's with of adore and of course amusement. I like to realize that my spur of the moment provocations captures the insight of a paricular overall mood or symposium of circle-jerk, which people find it appalling – loving it and hating it at the same time.

Anyways, I reckon what I am trying to paint here was that a lot of my personality structure as you know of me online is definitely shaped, influenced and cultivated heavily by the family dynamics I grew up in. My personality development (in adolescent hood) did warrant a lot of free-range lack of cohesion and was very much arrested in many ways. Undeniably the internet is most def filled with cesspool of many things immature and trolling. With an arrested development, especially in adolescent-hood, where else would be a place to continue ad infinitum to continue such trajectories? I mean after all, if many weren't developmentally arrested, we'd likely to not engage in so much of these online festivities.

So what does this mean? Does this mean I'm off the hook for such behavior over my internet career because I acknowledge such happenings and discourses? IDK. What I will say is that my time spent online was warrant and I had a semblance of anticipation of it lasting this long – 3 years ago. I like to think that internets has allowed me to engage in a sped-up version of social dynamics, that would slowly exist IRL. Even with like-minded friends, it still would revolve as quick and fast. I am saying internally within, internets has allowed me to emotionally carve out my adolescent years, where it was unsafe and I suppressed a lot of it despite hanging-out and lounging-around seemingly all the time.

I've also been saying that internets has been boring as fuck lately. It's hitting the 2-year plus mark for MFA, and 3.5 year mark for Reddits. What the fuck now? I mean, for many, we've dissected the online clothes world, waiting for sales and markdowns for the past four seasons, gotten (hopefully) some of the stuff we want, seen all the fanciest of fanciest heavily manicured lookbooks and styling out there; what's next? Like I mention before, my fashion journey stems 3yrs+ and I'm pretty fucking content with the shit I've amassed thus far. Sure, I can lust for XYZ and YZX and XXY maybe XXX, but it no longer satiates the internal urgency of needing it for whatever insert irrational/rational reason that I hopelessly posses.

With the help of jawns and utilizing academic psychology breakdown into being very self-aware conscious of the dynamic forces that were pulling and diverging me, no longer need to continue to happen. What was realizing me was that I utilized online as a way to compartmentalize and split-off my ego and departure of IRL. Now I fully realize IRL fucked up and it's okay because I'm making sense of everything, the question lies on what should I do with online life? Do I no longer need to split? Do I resume things after I have wrapped-up the minute inklings of matters that I have left? IDK. DO I SAY GOODBYE TO Y'ALL?? Though, what happens when I see y'all in real life – – when psuedo-intimacy reaches real intimacy? What ever the future trajectories of both worlds entails, it sounds good to me. And maybe I will run of out mental capacity to game theorize it all anymore, rather to just let things go its course.

Perhaps I'll see y'all on the other side, and maybe I won't fuck around like I'm stuck on the internet like a hapless and helpless child anymore – realizing that Freddy will be something I will have to come to think about embracing.

[freddy]

Eat. Sleep. Rave. (study) Repeat.

I'm getting close to being burnt out again reading many texts relating to psychoanalytic, developmental psychology, and behavioral therapy/behaviorism theory. There is so much theory to formulate a framework of understanding my existence in the many dimensions of reality and alternate consciousness that I find myself wandering in constantly. I am at the point where I have core conceptualized answers to many of the issues that I face intrapsychically and externally. Honestly, I find myself pretty engaged in the mental health industry and I find myself becoming a disenchant and disgruntled critic of the entirety of it all. The disdain for MSWs and some professional mental health programs for their inadequate/subpar training – as there are various and inconsistent disparities in standardization across all the board. Also, Managed Care and insurance companies for retracting their coverage for longer-term psychodynamic therapy – which I believe provide superior results over shorter-term (quick fix) therapy ie. cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). My angst is targeting towards the idealization of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy as an absolute saving grace for BPD treatment – seeing folks dispensing money for Eastern Buddhism mindfulness and meditation intertwined with arbitrary skills-training, really keeps me at awe. It also goes without mentioning the academic groupthink/incest in this corner of clinical practice and theorizing.

BPD is for sure a psychosocial issue that extends how we effectively interact and provide psychosocial development from infant, child, and adolescent phases – unfortunately a lot of family structures are broken down where this is not always comprehensively achievable/attainable for caregivers/parents to offer such progression in their family dynamics at home or community. Essentially on the broader scheme of things, when we still have social issues with poverty/low-income, wealth inequality, race marginalization, family structure, oppression, insufficient maternal/psycho-education, we will unfortunately have a world where we breed and inadvertently cultivate children of tomorrow with such breached disruptions in arrested personality manifestations – that are maladaptive/incompatible with sustainable connectedness with a society as a whole. If we really want to dispel problematic personalities and psychopathic/socialpathic aggression, underlies a precursory issue with meeting the primitive needs of humans – humanism. It's a tough pill to swallow to realize at being at the forefront of mental health, that it is really the survival of the fittest – darwinism – for it is those whom can materialize the financial means to warrant top tier treament – leaving the rest of the affected population behind in negative selection.

Though the quest lies upon how much will society and love ones will throw financially and emotionally for persons with BPD? Perhaps to even question this is what ultimately results in destruction of family structure/dynamics and community-building, where we perpetuate abandonment and disregard for the future generation. It becomes societies' burden to bear. Understandably there are practical limitations on helping the underprivileged. Every person will indirectly pay the price for we are all interconnected as a human species, irregardless of cost-benefit decision-making we collective choose in the end. We should realize that psychotherapy is ultimately no replacement for – as it does not triumph – healthy family structure and family dynamics. The issue with humankind as a whole with many of whom are disenfranchised living on this planet and the therein generations the come after are those whom are not eternally interconnected humanistically – modern society today is paying for the inflicted oppression and tyranny of the historic past. Those who showered themselves with laborious and material excess by manipulatively deceive the resources of inferior demographics whom attempts to rationalize neurotic primitive behaviors of the underprivileged today are only self-deluding themselves to retain intergenerational self-righteous entitlement of their ancestral actions of proclaiming such superiority for their conniving endeavors.

tl;dr mental health is for those who can afford such means, but the real problem underlies societal structure and unforunate lack of opportunism to achieve relative human needs in society. perhaps one day when we technologically progress to the point where all the basic needs of humans will be unconditonally met, so we no longer worry about such things like mental health that hopefully become frivolous and awe in amazement like the medieval days of practicing medical bloodletting as a remedy and surgery without anesthesia or proper sterilization. until then, i'm just gonna keep copping jawns to ground my own XYZ and try to influence what i can within my own sphere of subjectivity.

if u r readin, thx 4 letting me relieve this psychic tension that i've been wanting to express in my message 4 2day xD

[freddy]

'tis was left as a draft a month ago

So in the past few weeks, I was able to catch a ride to L with U twice – the day after Thanksgiving and earlier this week, because I wanted the paperwork for getting a L card under U’s status as a student, while he gets transcripts for his L application. As with U driving, I think there is always a time-travel feel, as I am constantly talking to him and exchanging and covering our internal worlds, where it’s reality jump to realize that we’ve arrived at our destination – little control or input is needed for me to assist or analyze, like for parking, monitoring street lights, determining routes of traffic, etc. When we went into the buildings of Dior, it was also a time-travel in it of itself; it felt very “high school” like, though albeit with more mature and emotionally stable students – more resurveyed or introverted even, in comparison to the rowdiness that takes place in programs and schools I participated in. I can’t help but to idealize the time U went away to dorm at X, whilst feeling left behind amongst my peers for not being at a traditional collegiate environment – as after all, I possessed and subsumed a lot of shame, from my mother and the cultural application of Confucianism being Asian American. In light of that, it is my realization as of recently, that I am in the environment and full of students in this traditional collegiate experience, that I felt inferior for – being in the medical section of the XYZ and in the Social Work /psychology section of the raf of simons. It was that I felt seemingly hopeless when I turned 18 and became a “freshman” at y, that the odds for me to amount to a four-year institution would be impossible, given the academic requirements and financial constraints. Inconsequential to say next, perhaps I did do alright now that I find myself reading and studying along those whom I felt as inferior counterparts. Additionally, I also speak of the platform of discussion on rafgenius.com and the subsequent experience I had along with it, allowed me to foster an alternative, or should I say, rouge style of accumulating knowledge that is vital to real world and theoretical self-development.

Perhaps, I may not formally understand a base of linear knowledge in a specific academic topic, like economics or political science – receiving no degree as I reach the coming graduating year. However, I know for me, I can at least handle my own weight in a multitude of diverse subjects and articulate enough with the intellectual curiosity to elicit out a reciprocation of friendly exchange. Nonetheless, I am also adamantly well-read in psychoanalytic theory and the therein branching schools of thought, where it is not only a guiding force for the framework of my day-to-day living, but something, I can actually speak on a somewhat psuedo-authority. Understandably, it has been out of a formalized context – beyond any institute or supervisory training, though it is my unique position that I can have unfettered embracement and self-enpowerment utilizing myself as an agency self-directing these theoretical frameworks. My personal disclosure is that I am an non-professional, therefore I can, and will, speak on the absolute conviction of authority open to discourse and feedback from the open public of my external reality. Where I found insecurity, is now not only realized, but now more embraced of more stringent insecurity than ever before. In essence, navigating through the frontiers, expanding my reality, finding security has only expanded insecurity. Perhaps it’s a zero-sum game in the endeavors of venturing out for this. Perhaps one of the greatest drive for man is to seek out security – as our historical ancestors ravening and scouring the globe in conquest for wealth. It is perhaps that seeking security was illusionary at best, as it only provoked and proved more insecurity – opening and expanding a much larger reality than what I had previously been confined to. This can also be said of the experience in which I am an agency in with the theoretical concept-building I have.

And if all I knew was insecurity growing up and for me to seek out a life of amassing security, would I ever reach such objective? Maybe insecurity is a much more real thing. And perhaps if we collectively realized insecurity together; it is perhaps that the notion of insecurity can be reinterpreted and re-introjected as security. Perhaps this can be said with fashion where consumption of fashion, can unfold a mask of an interplay of insecurity/security seeking. With fashion, the seasons are endless – almost a infinite projection toward an agency expressing a linear conscious of asthetic self-expression, where those who can afford, can partake in imbuing themselves through such intersubjective dyadic expression of experience. There are many starting points where the designer realizes a specific person and phases of environmental context in their design. The namesake fashion houses are in essence, extension of the artistic envision one has.

With that said, many of the “best” fits are worn not in a typical time where many conscious minds can spectate – often, it is exclusively worn in the darkness of night where, there are minimal eyes that can spectate and potentially critique and admire. I like to believe intersubjectively resonating with a personally assembled designer pieces constructing and outfit, is a personal experience amongst my inner world and I, in place of the external world where I exist. To deconstruct clothes further, it is essentially organic matter – cotton, if not, a blend of other threads, most of the time – and comprised of elements intertwined with the human processes that we construct and bring-to-life throughout the process. Fashion is rendered meaningless without its designer, or rather, someone acting as an agency to curate and express such narrative. If it were not for such process, it would just be mere untouched organic matter. Clothes is also a time-capsule of meaning that can reach far-reaching connection of the soul. Things are determined by which what it means and is valued by someone. Though, the realities can be uphold, where the exchange of such Fashion may not necessarily be a status symbol, or even a class divide, though it certainly can be a signal for those of the animal world to ...

tldr; u can encapsulate urself wit designer fashion 2 fscks wit ur realities outside and inside, or so i think..

[bels]

Where you been lately freddy?

[freddy]

Lol I'm trying to avoid the rest of the forum and trying to focus on doing introspective psychoanalysis of everything and everyone around me – connecting it to my own psychodynamics for self-actualization while trying to comprehensively overcoming the many psychosocial stages of previously arrested development.

That's a cop out answer. To be honest, I'm just very caught up engaging with more "real life" than online. It's not to say that I don't spend considerable amounts of time on the internets but I am seeing myself embracing the unreality of reality more, than just incessantly ponder away on the internets. It's also not to say that I won't act like a tard as that's my personality. I think a lot of real life relationship/social dynamics are rly aligning up where it's difficult to balance the one I've embraced here and many places elsewhere. it's tough where my existence online is depending on being "plugged in". Sometimes I realize when I do embrace more real life, I realize that a significant chunk of me is missing, something that I can't necessarily tangibly represent and share. It is perhaps that I've compartmentalized online life from real life, where I feel a sense of transcendence when I'm not plugged to this virtual world of more than just a fashion community along with the ad infinitum alternate dimensions of perceptive realities one can imbue/introject themselves through the many interconnected mediums (social media, tumblr, YT, etc.) available today for fashion.

Understandably many of us are internet fanatics, though what's funny about internet addiction – or utilizing internet as a strong means for a coping mechanism – especially with unresolved unconscious conflicts, one can effectively engage in "splitting" – the psychoanalytic term in this context is basically compartmentalizing the ego into two distinct realities. This can be placated upon many early teens, which I'm sure many of y'all can self-relate, where sometimes the external world/reality becomes boredom or perhaps even chaotic and/or dysfunctional, so they effectively live a double-life with a self online (and on that trajectories, perhaps with many different personas) and their self in real life, where they may have to put up a false sense of self for XYZ reasons that undermines their true/core being. A large part of my identity has been self-ectaulized and realities, I will credit rap genius and the many bodies of the other end of this medium, whom engaged in my virtuous endeavors. I've also have the opportunity to bring some of y'all what I was projecting as caricatures to life.

Suffice to say, I assume the question still begs to be asked where I've been? I haven't really engage into huge psychosocial societal commitments (like school/work/or supporting lil bby freddys) so I'm still present, or perhaps I'm only as present as the next erratic text message I'll send, or the last signing-in on chatrooms, or this mash-up of continuous consciousness of a post on forums, defines my presence in y'alls respective inner worlds beyond this medium of communication that lead to a pathway of community and camaraderie. I also suppose this is a very difficult and personally challenging inquiry to answer with an absolute framework of thinking. Many of y'all are mere internal self-representations within my internal world, even for the ones I've personally had the opportunity to meet; however, many of our experiences are not based on external realities as we think, but what we should realize is that the consciousness of our inner/internal world and our own self-representation structures of others and self along with personality is really what drives our experience. My experience belongs to of me, and the majority of y'all are self-representations of objects through avatars and online persona; and I would believe it would be the same for y'all, where I am a figment of a mental image of XYZ. Even for real life, with "real" external objects, our internal worlds and the devises theoretical systems that provides a framework of analyzing and understanding our experience are all internal.

So as much as I want to say I've been "away," I simply find myself falling short in disillusionment with such claims. I am only so much away as I am to the nearest fucking keyboard. I am just not as "plugged in" to keep y'all notified through bits and binary with my existence. But however far I may travel and however far I may engage in "real life" festivities, I am still very much here.

tldr: afk and i, 2, miss u like crazy :3

[bels]

are you saying you got a girlfriend?

[freddy]

Bela- Nope. I've avoided commitment toward romantic interests for pursuing this self-exploration, which as I casually mention in my earlier posts that is working out magnificently. The time will come but not now as much as I seemingly wouldn't mind intimate company. Perhaps this will be on my radar for my next endeavor.

On a more leveled-note: I'm saying that it's a weird experience embracing overwhelming amounts of internets. And that I'm embracing more irl, it has made me feel particularly destabilizing and supernatural. I amassed a lot of answers, which is great on its own ends, but eventually now presents the greater questioning: what the fuck do I do with all this self-awareness?

I'm still going to be ruling myself to more studying and self-exploration just to tidy up the details, but again, I am very, very happy on the progress that I've been making. Unfortunately, it is a non-traditional endeavor and my social dynamics spans various interplay of persons involved, so it's rather difficult to express and detail the outline of such unfolding emotions to this.

So y'all have to take it for what it's worth I suppose. I was predestined to "fail" for the battle and struggle was tough. I have overcome a lot of social dilemmas and brought to light of a lot of unconscious conflicts. I am momentarily happy, but then, I am still undeniably continually occupied with XYZ. I can't necessarily share it with many outside, aside from my therapist, but I'll share it here.

Perhaps I sound delusional with something nonchalant but let's remember that I take crazy risks not only in fashion!

All the best- Freddy

[freddy]

I wrote a very nice and grammatically-okay post earlier about my choices in fashion and how it relates to identity alas I was prompted to sign in after, and the message was forever to be gone. Fuckity fuck.

4 sum real talk Perhaps this can explore me a bit more.

It wasn't until a month or two after the beginning of the semester, I realize the excused note from my therapist for appealing my academic probation included the statement of having Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Shit. GAD. I was reluctant to look at the documentation because of how it would spur anxiety about my status with school and financial support. It has been more than a year and a tad more since my sessions, and realized now, it being a year a half thus far that I had spent a shit-load of time in my self-exploration and learning psychology was in the most part exerted focus on my mother. What's particularly tough even in my 'support group' is that I have to fend for myself, which I have been doing for the longest time, and when you finally realize that it isn't you, I still have to devote time into understanding the nature of my mother and her personality structure. My mom was the Asian representation of the "i'm an independent black women and i don't need no man", which in reality they were both rationalizing their insecurities and would have wanted to the love and relationship of a man, to appease to their childhood wounds and provide assistive support and harmony in family structure.

It's perhaps that I was ingrained with a lot of irrational fear-mongering done by my mother that really reaped havoc on me. It was difficult for me to follow structure and I would often times find things wrong with XYZ – as did my mother. However, the things I would find wrong with XYZ this and YXS would ultimately sabotage my efforts into completing so and such. In other words, I would find deficits in things instead of focusing and divesting my energies in maximizing whatever opportunity allowed for me. I often speak of derealization and depersonalization-like experiences which I now believe is because my mother did not provide nor have a secure and grounded reality with her personality and caregiving. I suppose this is wonderful for my imagination, which, lol, I'm sure some of y'all have the opportunity to participate in. I suppose this is why I am often the clown with friends and folks whom designate as someone difficult to categorize and label – it doesn't help that I belonged to various social groups/cliques and my circumstances didn't allow me to stay in one core group.

The reason I became a shut-in despite my active social status is that I was reaching a wall of skirting through the underlying existential issue that compounded over time. I believe my endeavors in fashion has allowed me to question my fundamental existence, to find a semblance or working model given the unreality of how I grew up. I never quite felt the labeling of social anxiety commonly found on raf genius suited me at all. I embraced a lot of social interaction growing up and now; I mean having a BPD-mother and a very sociable family on my dad's side, compounded living in an urban, provides extreme amounts of socializing – sometimes too much where I'd be irresponsible and get in trouble. I have no qualms about talking to people, but before I also couldn't explain the anxiety I was having. I don't have a long period of shifting moods. I'm just now going through the ICD-10 criteria and some of it really speaks identifiably true to me.

So anyways, here you guys go: I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder because of the chaotic upbringing I had, chaotic because of growing up with a BPD mother.

[freddy]

bump (10 character max)

[freddy]

It's been a rough start for the week.

Last night, I realize I am uniquely positioned to lead/guide and restructure many different institutions and persons of influential status/power that relate to my life, previously and presently. As said before, I am finding myself with less time to devote free-range expeditionary explorations on the aesthetic and artistic endeavors in the interest of fashion (meaning less lululz); time is nearing to materialize into being the envisioned person to the curated clothes I have scrutinizingly selected over the past few years. And when the time comes, the curtains will unveil, and I will have no recourse but to be adamantly self-activated and self-directed, simply because my endeavors and futuristic envisions as I am to believe is unfound with folks I've come across along in my journey for which I will have to inevitably have to go in forth by myself. I will be the lone-wolf if I ultimately decide and pursue this massive dissident agenda.

The cognitive dissonance and biases are dwindling and reality is becoming more ever-increasingly clear. My former dysfunctional roots are being rejuvenated with authentic fertilization of springing vitality.

What will I choose to do with more newfound self-awareness? Do I stay conservative and enjoy a peaceful life and ride it out; or do I take action to become to rebel and forge harmony amongst however far I can reach? For now, I'm still doing a lot of behind-the-scenes preparation... preparation for something. Perhaps preparation for the coming day to realize the self-confrontation that I will have uninhibited free will to seek, cultivate, and actualize the world I had once hopelessly wanted and envisioned.

Time will tell what I will ultimately choose to do. Time that is becoming increasingly scarce and limited as I become more devoid of the shackles that is increasingly dissipating into a mere irrelevant illusion.. and the enamoring enlightenment that is staring me down, which one day will sunburn me as a way to call me out for being a faggot if I don't enact.

I know the time will inevitably come, but I keep sporadically questioning in anticipation for that time. The pinnacle moment that will ultimately revolutionize my life trajectory with no recourse in seeking retreat. There will be no contingency plan once I enact because a faggot, I simply am not.

[bels]

Don't say faggot freddy this isn't that kind of place.

Anyway do you read forming, the comic? I feel like you'd get a kick out of it. It's available online if you google it.

[freddy]

Something humorous and serious happened so I'm on a good note, and I've got some two hours to spare this evening so I'll continue my writing. I find that it's funny that saying what I said has a much stronger connotation from abroad, then in the US. It was used in context as fuccboi language, and I was acting like a fuccboi, my apologizes if I over-offended.

Bela, I'm not particularly a comic person, I never grew up or had friends that embraced them – well, there's the inevitable manga, but I couldn't fuck with that either. It all seems rather too.. idk. Though, I took a stroll yesterday and I happen to stumble upon a comic shop, so I was able to snoop out and chit-chat with the clerk; he didn't have Forming, the comic but it was still a pleasant exchange, considering I expected uber comic geeks that of which I haven't gotten a slightest clue whom that person is, as I try to stereotype. I had to be a dick and ask him about online media and e-books for comics, at least he was honest and open about how inevitable the industry is going to shift towards that medium as delivery – it's simply just way cheaper. I'll probably stop by after my whole self-exploration stage, and pick up an issue and get into the comic experience.

I think what's interesting is the development of raf genius and the overall vernacular language amassed thus far is quite interesting/amusing. I wonder where where did all these cats work the term "real talk" and "where2cop" or "nextlvl"?? ;)

I find that some of my anxiety is due in part, as mentioned, my belongingness in two disparate worlds; the fucciboi (hype beast) vernacular world and the studious intellectual crowd. A large part of my life has been speaking like a retard, and it doesn't help that I rebelliously resisted against formal-traditional education. Looking back, the structure would have been nice for the development of my literary and speaking skills; however, I'll just have to make ado. I also kind of like how my way of speaking has been infused and shaped overtime. The former world, does not respect political correctness, and conversely the latter world utmost respects PC. Sometimes my mind is split like fuck; do I bite my tongue and us PC or not? If I use PC, am I denying my true self for expressing what I really want to feel? I often times find myself at odds because it's not like I grew up with a bubbly-insular environment where PC is the way of life. Political incorrectness is a way of how I grew up. Simply looking in, one cannot deny the hostility and aggression the hype beast try to emulate and represent. I'm talking about real niggas. I'm talking about talking with du's who live in the hood and some dude that ODs on heroin in the stairway dies – not one but two.

I am fortunate that my life is split in many areas and has afforded me exponential diversity of experiences. My embarkment in fashion has revealed a lot of the true personalities of folks and their desire to portray and represent a certain figure or aesthetic. Sometimes my anxiety is paralyzing because I have a wide range of experiences, let alone deeper-seated insecurities caused by psycho-family dynamics. Sometimes I realize shit, I am packing a lot of heat (baller jawns) that I need to be a bit more on edge of my surroundings when I drop by more shady places. There is always this element of self-consciousness for ascribing to the level of self-expression via fashion that I have progressed thus far. I have broken the social conformity in many places concurrently allowing me entrance to new experiences as well. Again, I suppose fashion is a double-edged sword. It has allowed me to question a lot of identity aspects of myself; however, it was not a one way ticket toward bringing me to a place of belongingness.

I think one of the upcoming questioning I'm trying to explore is where do I want to do with my disparate experiences and connections? Where should I anchor my belongingness to? Will I find a crew that will afford all the similarly disparate experience I had growing up? Is it that I need to search and amass such circle of friendship on my own? Is it perhaps I need to be driven toward to answering this that something will materialize out of it as a byproduct? Who knows. Any who, I think it's a great first step now that I am beginning to embrace such questions.

[bels]

I'm not too into comics etc myself either tbh freddy but forming tickles a lot of stuff in me like early religion, myths and weird spiritual ideas but marries it with this sort of cartoon network backbone. The guy who writes it story boards for adventure time and I sometimes describe it to people as a grown up adventure time.

[freddy]

I am making serious progress in my investigative endeavors in self-exploring the metaphysical understanding of my disenfranchised and disillusioned internal reality; a personal narrative is beginning to form and a more coherent internal sense of self and identity is emerging. Despite the sporadic grammatical errors and run-on sentence structure, I am beginning to actualize more command of the English language (pardon is begged for my inadequate attainment in formal education; truancy was inevitable in hindsight as much as I would like to digress with this aside); I am finding myself more internally secure in envisaging and articulating the exposition of my afformentioned endeavors. For me, my scholastic endeavors, I believe, is catching the attention of many folks in the sphere of my interpersonal/social endeavors in the physical world; as of especially earlier tonight where a presenter-lecturer whom I confronted many systematic-beauractic issues (pushing the limits of his political correctness within his profession) of our collective sphere of this mental health niche, I was concurrently also prompt to know of my personal name along with our reciprocatively intellectual, albeit still adamantly clinically and socially practical, mutual exchange. I provide a unique and contrarian point-of-view, promoting a differentiated counterpoint, due to my personal discovery of realizing the characteristics of BPD from the child-mother dynamic, understanding the character formation that manifests to such distinctive personality. It is a breakthrough in of itself.

My earlier posts of semi-neurotic ramblings was a pathway to enact on mapping a structuralist-articulation of psycho/behavorial-theoretical understanding of my the internal psychic world and the physical external world. Fortunately, I am lucky to have a surrogate family to provide an actual shelter for a renewed secure base, in actuality in terms of family gatherings and housing, and internally through the ingrained experiences of forming attachment to their family structure e.g. relatives and brotherly love. However, my endeavors has lead me to such high-stakes and ascend perhaps now commanding-heights in the academic arena, that I am left to the disconnectedness at this pinnacle point with the laymen, whom are non-invested in this trans-disciplinary studies would be bewildered for what I would like to personally share. Alas, I find myself, within alone, yet again, especially with those whom I had posit great rebel attitudes towards as I deeply seek the pleasure of sharing this... with basically the people whom are emotionally and psychically close to me. There are a few, if not several, but I suppose it doesn't strike the deep attuned empathy and emotional connection that I am looking.. perhaps such closeness stems from a disjointed and convoluted mother-son bond that I am devoutly trying to understand and as a hopeful, adamantly trying to rekindle and repair. I suppose this the feeling of quasi-emptiness, the one that I, as well, as many renowned researchers are supremely devoted in trying to figure out.

Beyond this cloud of seemingly personal verbose use of diction, I am to find myself to resort back to this heavenly place ceremoniously celebrate this victorious achievement milestone. It is because of my engagement and the collective folks here and all throughout whom eventually self-organized into a semblance of a community is where I find myself in gratitude for the pathway that has lead me to such personal breakthrough. I am never to forget those whom were associated with my search for self and the self-narrative along with the realties surrounding of now actualized metaphysical presence, yet it seemingly too early for the family and persons intimately close-to-me to understand and empathize of my progress, let alone the beginnings of my rebellious and contrarian pursuits. So I want to thank y'all for those whom endured my ramblings and virtual entanglement of interpersonally myriad of uneventful and bedazzlement of emotional wanderlust interactions with me. Here's to the recording of this post to serve as an inauguration for something that, once again, sheer determinism is brewing that I can posit a betterment of something that I have yet to fully grasp; but finding myself on a carriage driven by two mules driven by a rod of dangling carrots without the slightest clue of the actual destination of where I am going, only to feel too awestruck of the transcendent fascination of what I have come endure so far.

In turn, I suppose it is true as it's been said that the maternal bond between infant/child and mother is posited as the most powerful force on earth – beyond the whatever laws of physics that we elevate science as. I am another notch closer in my endeavors that of which I am without a definitive conclusion; however, I do know, that I am more empowered and enamored as I ascend greater heights in such academic and self-exploratory pursuits. And perhaps something beautiful and miraculous will unfold and spring out, flowering humankind as a collective whole. Until then...

Stay tuned.

[bels]

I wanna see trashpile vs freddy heavyweight tldr debateathon

[bels]

Freddy yr constant search for betterment is pretty cool.

[freddy]

it is a bit irksome when you realize that folks whom are following your trail or sphere of things online are emulating tidbits of my writing style; it's consequentially also bothersome to realize that utilizing such for stylistic exposition, y'alls only take the technical mechanics/elements in direct literal translative-application to your own respective work (which is fine in of itself, idc), rather to cultivate a deconstructive understanding of my use in such execution for whatever literary articulation that I eventually will have expressed, which would be many more times helpful and nonetheless will convey more genuine congruency in structurally articulating one's own thoughts and ideas, especially partially inspired by another's (though, it could just be mw self-identifying with my own ways in others'..)

I also find it humorously and smugly gratified for the select few semi-close folks whom gave me the biggest shit for my personality online are also perpetuators for emulating such; however fyi, let's realize that it is because of my whirlwind amalgamation of thoughts representing my internal world bestows me the ability to take such articulative-command over whatever it is that I eventually bashfully articulate.

perhaps this should be a reflection of y'all awaiting on the sidelines attempting to stifle and suppress my neurotic presence way back when in the past, y'all should have instead gotten to personally know and cultivated a more genuinely curious understanding of the nature in how I figuratively operate and imaginatively envision things, rather than counteract feelings of insecure/inferiority with hostile intragroup and interpersonal aggression. anyways, i'm referring to Derrida's deconstructionist methods for interpreting an author's work, so I hope this helps y'all better as I know y'all fuckers r readin' (smiling)

[odradek]

stop reading continentals

[prawnzee]

seriously you need to start using this http://www.hemingwayapp.com/

[freddy]

pt.1 at first i didn't know what you were talking about with "continentals" so it took me a while to figure out; i don't really read philosophy in a complete and organized way. like many of my thoughts/thinking as well as studying, it is very disambugious and disorganized. i am using psychoanalytic theory that derives much from philosophy - continetianls as you say - to analytically unravel and label my internal world of experiences. as for my writing, i do acknowledge that i run the limitations of how i can express in a literal capacity. it is unfortunate that i am nose-deep in academic texts without a structured or organized approach, especially as i am largely undereducated outside of formalized learning here. so in turn, i am unifying whatnot ideas and theories into a conceptualized one, in a way where I can understand. i serve no higher authority of standards or oral defense for my research and studies. this is also the internet with is an open medium for exchange and i suppose i will run into whomever’s standards who decide to read and engage in my work/talking2me; there’s always forming a country club for banding-up like-minded people, right

since i have come from a background that is full of chaos, i am using many analytic tools to dissect it. what is problematic is that while i embark on this, i must still be "living" and engaging in the physical world. one of the challenges is suspecting ulterior motives (i.e. trolling). what is tough is that i am trying to deconstruct and understand the world i was brought up in because i’ve reached a point of realizing it was entirely built on disillusion - being disillusioned by it. i always look at the counterfactual perspective, which fuels most of my humor and sarcasm; the “what if scenarios” that deviates too far to for one to not laugh on. amirite?

folks with narcissistic and bordering pathology live in a state of perptual denial and in an alternate reality that is suffice to say of pathological delusion. any form of intimacy and direct questioning will lead to a shift to an alternate dimension, therefore subverting the original question. it is because they are running away from the very thing that haunts them; themselves; a true self as the psychoanalytic world labels. pathological grandiosity/omnipotence is def a passed on trait within the intergenerational family structure. this can also lead to the “analytic superiority” as says. perhaps what is more realizing is my tendency to intellectualize of whatnot matter, where i can be completely off base — which is probably one recognizable thing about me, right?

it is also suffice to say that i always position myself in the victim/perpetuator state where i find myself as the “rebel”. it is this power struggle and power dynamics that has become normalized to me. in turn, i take the genuine questioning as a state of attack and not the mention an attack for being vulnerable. it is because of this constant playing and manipulating with objective reality that also contributes to my creative imagination and fantasies. to not deviate far away from what’s actual and real, is something that is foreign and unabated. essentially being “normal” is not “normal” in my experience as being quasi-delusional was normalized in my upbringing. quite frankly, i see reality boring and mundane as fuck. yes, i was the problematic kid in the classroom and not to mention the class clown. perhaps this is why i like fashion because i can transcend myself above the aesthetic appeals of utilitarian uniformity and conformity

what is unfortunate that i find myself encompassed and soothed by high-level graduate texts that are beyond my scope academically but i also find an internalized drive, a feeling of being “compelled," to make the best of all of what i can grasp with my abilities. it is the abstract shit that gets my attention, not the rudimentary 101 level shit that that you should master first before tackling on to the higher level courses. i am fidgety and cannot hold focus for too long to complete shit, i go with the flow with my creative flow - my questioning and curiosity is pathologically intellectually truth-seeking. i care not to follow the narrow doctrines of a particular theorist/philosopher, but i seek to understand the gist of them all to formulate my own. i care not to be a master or disciple of someone else’s work but i care to accumulate enough knowledge to master the agency within own subjective realities.

i suppose this is why i have a tough time in school, i derail the class with my thought-provoking questioning. i question the status quo, i question the confines of what X person knows. i test the limits. to stay conservatively and orderly in my learning to build a haven for a return to safety is simply boring to me. following rules is boring. living my life entails rule-breaking, and pushing boundaries. very much add/adhd

i will devote and spend endless time doing XYZ if i falls under my interests. if its fashion, then you bet the fuck i will learn the shit out of it and make it work for me. and so far i think it has, my fits really compliment and aid to my desires to congruently express my feels. as for my lackluster writing, i won’t deny that it needs some serious revamping; however, upon reflecting, i cannot push myself to direct my learnings in all things english right now . i am with time constraints with a queue. i also find that one’s writing style is a reflection of one’s thinking and thoughts, so admitting that my internal world is full of confusion, i suppose this is what results of it as a reflection; disorganization and rife with Freudian slips. this is a good thing for me to detach and express my world, to then interpret and “deconstruct” of my own literary writings, to better understand it in a removed context.

i am engaging my endeavors to paint the past of not an event but my internal psychic world to unravel the confusion and dissect the chaos, but i must also live concurrently in actuality with y'all and everyone to sustain my efforts, and direct my drive onto engaging with objects (persons) and whatnot means/mediums of communications/activities to express such

[ramdomthought]

what's it like to be you

[ramdomthought]

who is freddy

why is he freddy and not his real name