Freddy's personal shenniagans, lululz, and ramblings thread

[ramdomthought]

why does freddy throw the word faggot out there all the time

freud would say something about this

[rjbman]

wait his name isn't freddy?

[odradek]

[freddy]

yup i don't disagree. you've explained the tipping-point of my, if not, my lifelong frustration that is not just losing control of mechanics. continentals has allowed me to take a structural approach to paint and symbolize mental events, feels, and thoughts into something to work externally, though now it's time to understand what it all means. i name-dropped Derrida hoping you'd come through to help me make sense of this roadblock, thanks for the push

[freddy]

fwiw i will publicly state i sent you a private message, let me know if you get it

[ramdomthought]

okay? great!

[freddy]

so no reply?

[ramdomthought]

you're weird, dude

[ramdomthought]

be wary lotta history between me and the fredster and i'm not going to respond to the questions in his weird pm's because it's just weird as hell

[sensodyne]

Fair enough. I still wouldn't call him out in a thread dedicated to his own shit.

[ramdomthought]

i would and did because he sent me a strange pm and is now calling me out in said thread?

[freddy]

[ramdomthought]

[freddy]

So I did a cognitive computer test + did my DNA blood sample (originally I had chose the saliva sample because I was too lazy to take off my clothes, and because I didn't drink enough water/was dehydrated, with the RA chick sitting patiently in front of me watching me trying to spit into a vital with minimal success, I then changed my mind for the blood because it wasn't going to work out..) and did the assessment interview by supposedly a clinical phd on her supervisory training, which I totally trashed her structured interview with my psychodynamic meta-psychology responses that cannot be oversimplified to a mere behavioral-symptomology "input-output" response. Basically, I concluded that CBT was retarded and the questions weren't going anywhere- and that my conceptualized responses were far superior and practical than trying to fit her godamn module. I ended up having to intellectualize and explain everything to her and it basically overwhelmed her ability to be of usefulness.

Any who, they referred me to another place for at-risk psychosis testing (because I resonated with a lot of the unreality/alerity stuff, and i makes sense because of how such borderline personality maternal figure can result in an "ungrounded" upbringing), and the secretary me a $75 check for my participation for the study (was getting p broke this week and i didn't realize I was going to be compensated, nor was it my intention to chase after it, I wanted to services and to experience the CBT structured interview (to prove my own self-studied theories-- may order some delivery flowers for the secretary ladies) and what this clinic is about). I'm pretty sure the chick is really interested in my case and she was adamant about following up with my referral. She can eat her heart with CBT

I really felt I achieved a better sense of groundedness for being able to intertwine the feels/thoughts I had for her list of questions pertaining anxiety, along with my psychoanalytic/psychodynamic responses. Basically, I needed a person that would be on the other end that would be an empathic ear to take the transference of my grievances stemming from my intrapsychic conflicts. I hope to intellectually rip new assholes and kill two birds with one stone by subverting and disenchanting clinicians that are focused in their specific paradigms - along with alleviating my own conflicts.

I'm also kind of sad, I wish I had more money for psychoanalytic texts. IDK on this trajectory sometimes I feel, I think I am poised to really change the world and how we interact with ea other. Also, I discussed in length imbuing my conflicts and issues with the movie Good Will Hunting, that I feel rly resonates with my life. if you guys ever watch it, it's great (cry many times just bc how deep it hits); just replace fucking matt damon with mee!

[freddy]

a psychotic episode is clearly like a chicken sandwich

[Bobbin.Threadbare]

Cannot help but feel sorry for the CBT interviewer. I think you both knew that CBT does not work in conjunction with conceptualisation.

As far as I can tell you benefitted from someone listening, but took the chance to belittle her professionalism for some kind of validation?

I can't hope to read through your entire stream of consciousness prose from the start so if this lady hurt you in some way before that I didn't see I'd understand a little better?

[freddy]

Bobbin- I appreciate the response. You raise some valid inquires and concerns. I actually do welcome them because it challenges and questions the whole ordeal and my introspection/defending my knowledge on the spot.

I have explicitly mentioned in the in-take screening with the non-doctoral research coordinator (iirc) that there might be potential conflicts considering my psychodynamic interests, but I was still open to the idea of embracing CBT (or at least short-term, which is what they actually specialize/designed it to be) –– realizing that it may help specifically for the anxiety that came into my realization. I walked-in trying to vie and inquire more information but she was trained to go on the modulated/structured regimen being that they are evidence-based research-heavy. She semi-acknowledged that as well, and did not reject me based on that alone. If anything they're happy to get folks in, especially Asian folks whom are low in their demographics, for clinical experience I suppose.

The research coordinator had somewhat of a familiarity with my presenting concern, but I suppose just put me through the hoops in deference until I had a full evaluation with the phd candidate to see if I was a good fit for the actual CBT treatment. So nothing really went wrong, but I had suspicions that it may not have been right, but I never got a final "no" even as we went further along the interview. If things went perfect, then they wouldn't have an outlier/differentiated clinical experience aside from peddling folks through their assessment/treatment framework forever without change.

However, it seemed they insisted and come the actual comprehensive evaluation, the clinical doctoral psychologist candidate as I suspect apparently did not make the connection with the coordinator prior–it might have went over her head considering my psychodynamic responses and my case history. We both knew there was a disconnect during the initial in-take screening; however, much of my theory is theory-oriented and I was trying to solicit empirical proof to test these internalized theories. She offered the stop early-on with the interview realizing my stance once I brought up my "psychodynamic" and my reasoning for favoring it. I question about this and she acknowledged that there should have been better communication/handling early on so we would have not went as far for the evaluation. I was trying to seek out information but the way they have things organized it slipstreamed into seeing the "CBT" interviewer because I reckon they put her on the front-lines for training.

After discussing with my therapist, I don't deny that it wasn't really a kosher thing to do, especially since I was still within bounds and relations with sessions with him. She did not hurt me at all, I never met her prior/don't know her - I will acknowledge my disdain is toward CBT and I wanted to understand it a bit more directly/intimately. In fact, conversely, I think I felt that I may have bruised some of her ego. I fuck around what can I say? However, my therapist did pick-up with ease that I went out to prove/disprove understanding my own research. I used the "CBT" situation as a two-for-one deal here.

I should have been more clear: the program and center was very vague and minimally-descript and was not a full-fledged "outpatient clinic" at all . It seemed that the master clinicians and actual directors/licensed folks were tied up with research/directing their doctoral program/etc. – a sorta all-in-once-place – and I never got any face-time an actual APA professional. The actual evaluation done by the lady also entails referral service to elsewhere if their place is not a good fit, which as a result of our fragmented evaluation that we quickly came to realize that it was likely not. In the end she gave me a referral to somewhere else and wanted me to follow-up, so despite the CBT screening not being a good fit for me; I suppose it was proper protocol to refer me to somewhere else.

It's not that I don't fit their criteria for whatnot anxiety nor is my anxiety is wrong, it's just that their treatment modality consist of a specific CBT paradigm, which may not work for all folks. If their referral to another place that seems to be actually full-fledged as an "outpatient clinic" then from my cursory glance at their program objectives, will too offer CBT – perhaps a variation.

I suppose my overly aroused excitement and perceived "belittling" is that I have made aware/conscious of a vulnerability with their psuedo-team/"case manager" coordination at the preemptive training-level, that during our interview, I forgot to add the detail that the interview came a bit confident about running through the gamut with her CBT module, until my psychodynamic responses proved otherwise and the limitations. I'm basically a bit validated because I think I got her to realize, probably a first, as a doctoral student in training, that her CBT framework lead by her master clinicians will not always work –– and in the process, I also enlightened her with research theories to underwriting/correlating my responses, which informs her much more deeply as an academic/training clinician, than say for example a patient for not being able to express or recall their memories to make responses because of PTSD/trauma, which may be without much to analyze and would not be a good fit. Now, she may have experienced this with prior evaluations, but I'm willing to bet (as arrogantly as I can sound her) that it may not have been as in depth and intellectual as she may have anticipated.

Essentially, I gave her the "yes" and "no" but also more importantly the "why". More so, I correlated my case history/background regarding family relational dynamics of BPD/Narcissism through an insecure disorganized attachment relationship that underwrote a lot of my anxieties. It is because of this psychodynamic exposition where I have clear structural explanations that it make too much sense that my my response are "yes, i'm anxious for X" but it just won't work because of my aforementioned response explaining why. it is because of my understanding of my background prior in clinical jargon that I also helped the clinical psychologist in training to understand how CBT has its limitations here in a conceptual way – rather than a point-blank; yes/no response.

Lastly, she is a clinical psychologist in training under supervision by a master clinician, so while I did have your same exact sentiments and feelings empathy for the interview about the potentiality of this unraveling, I also realized that she as a "clinician" would have to deal with "shit-hitting-the-fan" because there will always be a different thing turned upside down with each, new prospective client -- nonetheless each new session and folk's problems/interviewing style. As Freud said, there is no such thing as a "normal" personality, only normative. I anticipating that I would have benefit only on the proving/validating of my psychodynamic theories, though her asking these structured questions where my own respective therapy is more psychodynamic-inclined with some CBT. (her program's framework is highly-structured CBT, which may not be for everyone even if they like CBT because of the intensity of it)

So as much as it seemed that I fucked with her interview, lets realize I came in with full disclosure, despite already foreshadowing that I would have likely destabilize/de-orient the interview because I was theoretically confident in my psychodynamic theories. I think for the fact that my responses did not comply to what she anticipated or within the paradigm of the CBT module, was a new, if not a terrific, experience-builder for her -- despite it not working out. Hopefully, she realize in turn that the analytic technique/unconscious mind does triumph behaviorism. I earnestly think she will be a better clinician because of our session as much wrongdoing it may seem. I like to believe I disenchanted her a bit literally.

Unfortunately, I am only theoretically psuedo-aware of my learnings because I have self-studied whatnot psychoanalytic literature individually, though again, it is merely pure internalized conceptualization in my mind, until it is proved via experience/testing – where it can be actualized instead. I didn't outright slander her, and let's realize there are tons of clients/patients that unconsciously direct their rage/trolling at whatnot mental health professional. Rather, I turned a CBT/behavioral analysis interview that was suppose to be her directed at me, into a reversed psychoanalytic one where my psychodynamic responses resulted in her to make unconscious/enlightened realizations alongside with mine. We both benefited if you can decipher my jargon/phraseology/terminology.

I understand you may not be able to endure sifting through my stream of consciousness (if you've made it far.. lol), but as I've mentioned earlier in my posts, I suppose it's one of the things that I am unraveling where I am going against the grain with faucets of the mental health complex. I'm simply being a rebel here. I hope to do good with embarking and outlying this vignette in the future. I'm happy that you've been clamored in Bobbin, you will realize it later – just you wait.

[freddy]

[chilljin]

freddy you would be great to smoke with

[zayg]

one time freddy came out of nowhere in boston and he was carrying a box filled with lvc pants (which he changed into in a bar bathroom) and wearing margielas with no laces

that memory will make me always love freddy

[tomsfood]

do you wear your marjelly gats lace less and were you wearing them walking near northeastern's campus a couple days ago, the 6th maybe? thought I saw you from afar

[can-]

does a bear shit in the woods

[blankinput]

[freddy]

the 6th was a sunday and I don't remember what happened nor what I did

and damnit why you gotta bust my spot man. But yeah I was around the other day, it was during the evening right I had to borrow $11 from a friend so I could make the make the ATM deposit by 8PM so it would post the same day, to avoid overdraft fees because I knew I had had a debit hitting my account the next day, which I wouldn't have enough to cover because I was short $11 and some odd change.

how come you didn't say hi?

i only read enough rando philosophy to understand/decipher and the disillusion and trying to ascertain metaphysical understanding and seek objective reality and psychoanalytic theory, idk what i'm donig have of the time, if not, 99% of the time; i just "Plug 'n Play" like USB 1.1 back in the day u kno (btw I'm typing this from BU, you mad? no hate )

[tomsfood]

ahh shit I shoulda said hi I just was on the opposite side of the street and wasn't sure it was you, next time fred

[freddy]

So basically in an oversimplified manner as to why I am the way I am:

Borderline Personality Disorder mother + Narcissistic Personality Disorder father = Schizophrenic son

Essentially the double-bind that comprised of my family dynamics resulted me into in a life-long psychotic state with metaphorical speak and long-winded and impulsive/inappropriate remarks. My parents all throughout my life were dancing around did not procure a sense of authentic "self" where I was sandwiched in. (I'm beginning to realize I shouldn't blame them because they suffered from childhood traumata and in-opportunities in terms of mature psychic/mental growth) Because there is no congruency to my inner and external world, so in turn I appease my anxiety through reality testing by making one-off sarcastic jokes and derail the discussion at hand.

This is why I have a difficult time getting "to the point". Because when I grew up and how I related to my parents and subsequently to the world; there was no direct, clear-cut, binary "to the pointness" in parental-child/son communication - thus I result into over-intellectualization and rambling because I am lost into my inner world that was never grounded to be begin with. This is why y'alls and people can't "speak2me" directly vis-a-vis.

Because I could not speak directly with my feelings in relation to people in the external world (like you guys); I found fashion as a way to still meta-communicate "boxed-in" feels despite my inability to verbalize my thoughts in a coherent manner.

Fashion and the community I found "saved my life" from being a full-blown schizophrenic which i where I was heading to. It was a very polarization and all-over-the-fucking place experience alone and with people. Thanks for those whom dealt with my nonsense and I hope it was an experience being intersubjectively apart of my psychosis, as I tried to find coherency and more importantly a sense of self within matrix of my psychotic abyss. My bratty behaviors were not excusable, but I've come to embrace it for whom I am; I'm sorry if I caused some folks some real fucking grief. Hopefully you guys can better understand now with some self-realized closure here.

I think I can be "real" now for the first time since forever! (I know we'll see when it happens..)

[rjbman]

"I'm fucked up cuz my family."

[freddy]

So yeah I voluntarily admitted myself to the in-patient psychiatric unit through the ER (been hospitalized before as an adolescent, not a big deal, not suicidal or anything just frustrated and overwhelmed at home), because I wanted a more comprehensive evaluation as to wtf psychosis do I have. I'm having a swell time because I am removed from my mom's place, and I get to meet interesting peoples. My favorite part is breakfast because of blueberry french toast. Because I'm considered an "adult" now, I've met some cool older folks (some guy told me he dealt coke and was raped by his sister and is writing a spiritual book; another lady is dealing with postpartum depression; some elderly lady is here because her roommate in the old-people home kept hitting her and pulling her hair) and there are a few hawt nurses that keeps the day going.

Before I left psychosis program wanted me to participate in an epidemiological study funded by the NIH of how and where I went - as in what did I do and resources I partook - prior to coming to my program that actually helps folks with psychosis. Pays $100 for a 4-5 hour visit for 4x a year. There is proxy study in Australia. But yeah, I laughed in their face thinking how I'd explain everything2them.

[BIGBEE]

what is a Freddy?

[freddy]

I doubt it, my insurance should cover my hospitalization as I've been underwent a few times before as an adolescent, they actually sent a crisis specialist that works with various hospitals through my insurance to refer me the same in-patient psychiatric clinic in the same hospital affiliate for my psychosis program/ER visits, amongst their own where there is more freedoms and privileges but with professionally staff (which was all full)/other nearby places.

There are options. Billing happens afterwards and I'm sure can be negotiated; which I have had the blessing of with some non-psych/medical procedures. You don't always necessarily need to get admitted in-patient as there's an ER psychiatry resident to evaluate things at hand as well. The crisis guy that travels around the several hospitals was cool as he related to my experience of BPD with ex-girlfriend whom he eventually dumped.

Basically all of this could have been done out-patient but because I had serious mistrust and anxiety about the program, so they suggested that I voluntarily attend the psych unit because they're able to offer a more holistic and comprehensive diagnosis, then making back-and-forth appointments that I seemingly can never keep because of my over-thinking, erratic sleeping schedule, other distractions, and whatnot procrastination woes. This is a great container and 'holding environment' especially since I want to get some personal paperwork done in a focused manner, and read these two books that I've had a difficult time concentrating on.

What's great is that it's a no-pressure environment unlike the "real world" (lol) where it's makes it overwhelming and anxiety-ridden sometimes, if not all the time.