by odradek » Mon Jun 02, 2014 5:47 pm
Let's pose an ethical dilemma: something you really want and something you really don't want in the same package. The betting man should sit this round out, safety is paramount. As an experienceonaut, though, I made the poorer of the two choices. The result? This.
My roommates work in a bar and they both close on Sunday evenings. The mood is pretty light and the open bottles need to be finished if they're going to go bad by Tuesday, so I find myself in there a lot, finishing off pitchers of sangria and singing 90s pop hits to make sure the restaurant clears out. Last night, My roommate's girlfriend was there with a friend of hers. They had been to a wine festival and continued at the bar. The friend had just finished grad school and is currently in a period of repose until her internship starts; to hear her tell it, this was her first chance to get drunk in a while, and holy shit was she taking advantage.
After some time, my roommate's girlfriend comes over to me. "This might sound weird, but will you make out with her?"
"Yeah," I say. "That sounds a little weird."
"It's not a big deal, girls make out with guys all the time. She just wants to make out with someone and if it's not you, it'll be-" she points to someone else, a notorious lothario "and I don't want that to happen, so it's you."
I'm very uncomfortable with this. It feels artificial and gross, but it's couched in this white knight sort of thing. Hell, I'm doing her a favor plus another favor! It takes a lot of convincing, but I agree on the condition that the girl actually talk to me. I make no mention of the fact that I am somehow a "safe choice" for a girl.
"She's kinda shy and awkward and has self esteem issues, she doesn't really get to do this." Alarm bells ring, but it's for a friend, right? Right? Plus the girl looks kinda like Cameron Diaz. We go to another bar. We sit. We talk. Hopefully she's sobering up. Not really - She's talking about how she HAS to get her car and drive home. She can barely stand. We cannot convince her otherwise. We make out. My work is done, put her to bed, please.
I get back to my apartment and hey! everyone's there! She's there, too! She's still falling down drunk! We get her a pillow and a blanket so she can sleep on the couch. I go to bed.
She comes into my room. "Do you want to make out some more? If not I'm going to go drive home." What. Whatever. As long as she sleeps here and doesn't do anything fucking stupid.
We make out. She pulls off my pants. "Do you want me to give you a blowjob?"
"Are you in any kind of state to make that decision?"
All of a sudden all the lights turn on and she's lucid. "Why would you ask that? I'm asking you if you want a blowjob, I'm willing to give you one. Make a decision." Of course I want a blow job. I spend most of my day wanting blow jobs. I don't want the girl who's deciding to give me one to be barely cognizant of what fucking planet she's on. "Well? Come on, I'm waiting." She sounds convincing enough, I'm amazed but incredulous at how quickly she's sobered up. "If I give you a blow job, you need to put on a condom."
"Uh, that actually sounds miserable."
She's just done a bunch of med school shit, she's a paranoid hypochondriac - she goes through my sex history. She really wants to give me a blowjob. Like, a lot. I consent to the condom.
Getting a blow job with a condom on is terrible. My god. Luckily, as a man who spends most of his days being mindful of his thoughts, I am, with great concentration, able to finish.
She's lucid again. "Did you finish?"
"Uh, yeah...?"
"Don't lie to me. Are you lying to me?"
"I'm not lying, what kind of proof do you need?"
"A lot. But I'll believe you." She falls back into drunkenness. "Now you can go to sleep and I can go get my car."
What? "No, you can't. I mean, even if you could figure out where to go, it's in a locked garage, you can't get in."
"I can."
"Even assuming you can, you shouldn't be driving. Absolutely. You have nowhere to be tomorrow. We have a couch, or you can sleep in here. Stay here."
"I have to get my car."
This goes on for a while.
"If I give you a back rub, will you go to sleep and then I can go get my car?" She starts to give me a backrub and actually it feels really nice.
"Umm, I'm not going to sleep until I know you're not driving anywhere."
"I promise I won't hurt anyone."
"What? You can't make that promise."
"I can." She stands up, then puts her hand out to shake mine. "Nice to meet you."
I look puzzled. She leaves. My roommate's girlfriend walks her out, somewhere.
Apparently, I'm the only one of my friends who is at all bothered by this, and I'm really, really bothered.