Feelings

[Rosenrot]

I'm finally able to overcome a prolonged writer's block and wrote close to a thousand words for the first time in months. I've been in a stretch of emotional turmoil that weighed down on me heavily. It's not the biggest triumph in my life but I feel like I'm finally getting out of some dark valley, ever so slowly.

[thephfactor]

Feeling very grateful for my friends right now and very sheepish about bitching on the internet about them.

[Catfush]

The other day my girlfriend confided in me that she is sexually attracted to other girls and has had fantasies about doing things with girls in the past. My first reaction was that this was really hot and that I really want to foster her self-realization. I shared this enthusiasm with her and she told me that she wanted me to be involved if she ever did anything. Part of me finds this super exciting and I'm really turned on by it. But then a really small part of me is kind of insecure about it. It's probably just a fantasy and she assured me that she could never see herself being emotionally involved with a girl; but I'm kind of intimidated by all this.

We have great communication and I have so much trust in her, I'm just afraid she just doesn't fully know what she wants yet. We've talked all this through and in a lot of ways I really want to explore this with her. She is very obviously physically and emotionally attracted to me but I guess my greatest fear is that she's just going to wake up one day and she's going to have feelings for exclusively women.

Obviously I need to talk to her about this some more, it just feels good to write all this down to a semi-anonymous audience right now. I don't feel any different about her and I don't feel any less comfortable about the current state of the relationship, I'm just afraid of the unknown. Is it normal for people to have fantasies like this? Am I way overthinking all of this? Why am I simultaneously turned on and frightened by this?

[JonjoShelvey]

Got out of the psych ward yesterday after 5.5 days because I was breaking down crying every day and wanted to kill myself very badly. i have never had suck strong urges to end my life before. Might have been caused by my antidepressant but I don't know for sure. Now I'm back home doing nothing for the weekend feeling very anxious. I don't want to kill myself anymore.

Also thanks for being here for me ct when I don't wanna bother people in real life w my problems. It really helps

[freddy]

Jojo if u are to be in the psych ward again, I'd be your roommate and we can be depressed/anxious together 24/7-1.5 4eva (smiling)

[donut_milk]

Dang...I just declined a job offer, at a really great company, only because the benefits (health to be exact) weren't stellar. I feel really bad -- I've been on/off job searching for two years after multiple lay-offs. I mean...finally! Something full-time and stable! But after asking more details about my potential benefits it turns out it's not what I need for my medical needs, which are pretty hefty. It's a very tricky situation.

Though, the hiring manager was very understandable and I connected with him professionally. So hopefully in the future we can work together again on better terms or for whatever reason. Just difficult finding a job only for some personal needs/offerings aren't in line with what you're accustomed to. :\

Friend told me, "Well, you’re not exactly job hunting at this point. You’re more like Michael Douglas in Romancing the Stone, on a search for something much more extraordinary." which makes me feel slightly better.

[RomanEmpire]

Haven't been posting as much because I've been pretty busy with school/work lately, but also because of the college admissions process.

As some of you from IRC may remember, I applied to a several really good schools such as Yale, MIT, Caltech, and Princeton just to name a few. I didn't expect to get into any of them, but I had the opportunity to apply for free so I did. I spent several long nights getting everything ready, writing essays and faxing (faxing is the worst thing ever why does it exist) tax forms. Whenever I told people I was applying to all these good schools they would reply with "OMG you're going to Yale???" to which I had to explain that I am simply applying. Then I got interviews with some of them and despite trying to explain that they interview everyone that applies, they were convinced that it meant I was going there for sure. Basically everyone started expecting all these great things, and I didn't realize how much pressure it was putting on me until decision dates were approaching.

Decisions finally came out after 3 months of waiting and I was rejected by 14 schools, wait listed by 2, including one state school that I considered one of my relatively "safe" schools. Well that fucked with me pretty hard. I felt like I was letting everyone around me down. I wasn't going to any of these prestigious schools, I wasn't going to be "Mr. Yale" like everyone said, I wasn't even going to one of the really good state schools. The rest of my safe schools accepted me, so at least I knew I would have some schools I could go to, but I still felt like I let everyone down.

I'm not as smart as everyone likes to make me out to be, and it took me a good while to come to terms with that. I was basically left with two choices, UT Dallas and Southwestern. Southwestern cost too much despite very generous scholarships, and UT Dallas offered me a really great scholarship that I was super happy with but even then I was still kind of reluctant to choose it. I very specifically remember a friend of mine who graduated two years ago saying "I got accepted to UT Dallas but I didn't take school seriously my first two years. You can do so much better."

But I couldn't do better, and that made me really upset. It made me feel like I hadn't tried hard enough, like my class rank wasn't good enough, my GPA wasn't good enough, and I knew for sure my extracurricular activities weren't good enough. So I still couldn't decide between the two.

After visiting, I ultimately decided on UT Dallas. It's 3 hours away from home as opposed to the 12 minute drive from my house to Southwestern. I eventually came to terms that although UT Dallas wasn't my number 1 choice, it was still a really good choice especially due to the scholarship they're offering me. After financial aid and stuff, I should be able to graduate either debt free or very close to debt free, and I'm really happy about that.

So now that I have made my decision I feel a lot more relieved and I'm really happy with my choice.

[vgtbls]

Is it possible that your friend was saying that you can do better in terms of taking school seriously and making the most of it?

Applying for colleges sucked so much because it meant for a full year of my life, I couldn't have a conversation with an adult or classmate about anything else. They all say "admissions is a crapshoot" but still expect you to beat the odds. Super unconvincing and unhealthy for 17-18 year old kids to shoulder the expectations of a whole family.

I'm happy for and anyone who's on the other side of that with their sanity mostly intact.

Nothing out of the ordinary in terms of personal feeltalks. My mood, attitude, and productivity is some sort of exponential function of the temperature outside. Maybe I should move south.

[sknss]

How did your flight go ?

[ervhio]

This is eerily close to my story. Everybody told me I was so likely to get into my top choices - Brown, Yale, Cornell, Uchicago - and it was hard not to hype myself up on that, even when I knew they knew very little about the admission process - I made the mistake of telling them I thought my Brown alumnus interview went well. Now I'm going to the state school 15 minutes from home, and while I'll be moving out and have a full-cost scholarship with the best undergrad research opportunity at the university (and likely a better future than if I were to attend my other, more selective safeties/targets), I feel cornered by finances and it's a huge emotional blow.

[nick]

[smiles]

I smell bergamot 22

[WussWayne]

True inner peace is found at 450mg of seroquel

[thephfactor]

some deep family shit getting stirred up. let's just say that my parents using it to strengthen homophobia in themselves and my younger siblings (and reducing the probability of me coming out to them below zero) is one of the least fucked up things about it. tfw.

[bobo77]

fuck anxiety

[JewTurk]

I've written this out like five times and then promptly erased it after reaching completion. I won't ramble, I'll keep it simple. Not worth dwelling on really.

Me and my girlfriend decided to cut things off clean before we went our separate ways this Summer.

Long distance just wasn't making a strong case for itself on either end of the argument.

I've always appreciated her rationality in situations but after an hour or so she kept mentioning how 'comfortable' she was in the current situation and kept asking if I felt uncomfortable... She tore through three straw rappers and tore them to shreds in the course of an hour as like a nervous twitch but kept thinking I was uncomfortable and asking me if I was 'ok' sitting on the patio talking about this.

I'm glad I had the relationship while I did.

This is a good thing I hope. I'm going off to a new place this summer knowing absolutely nobody and I've got an opportunity to further my education and develop my interests more. I hope the absence of her won't be a mental burden more so than the burden of doing long distance. I'm hoping to shake it off before summer ends at the least. I know time is really the only way to get over this.

But fuck it hurts man.

[bobo77]

friends who are awesome one-on-one but confrontational and shitty in a group setting are the worst. constantly trying to bring you down in front of people but nice and supportive when alone or texting.

[Cowboy]

Need to get this out somewhere, nowhere left but here.

my friends ditched me for the fight last night. Made separate group messages and did everything they could to coordinate the effort around me. It succeeded, and I was stuck at home blissfully unaware and watching a Turkish stream alone on my laptop. I found out this morning from them specifically. They told me.

It would be less of a deal if it was only a one time thing. It's happened dozens of times over the course of three years. dozens. I've sat at home weekends not knowing what was happening with them, and sometimes I would know but they wouldn't let me go.

You probably wonder why I stayed talking to them. I have no one else. Through middle school I had a terrible image and repuatation made of myself, being the one kid from a jewish familhy in the entire grade and just being strange was enough to be avoided from a majority of the grade from the jump. I only had aqcuaintances throughout that time, and then this group accepted me. They were my only friends, and looking back on it now, terrible friends. The entire group is built around a single group message, where everything is planned and spoken of and decided. It's the most political thing you could think of, people constantly being removed and others adding them, sides created over time by who liked who more than who disliked who. Another foundation of the group has been to constantly make fun of each other about everything. I used to do it too, I was so mean early freshman year. I know I always got it the worst. I was the constant target for everything, people removing me and me having to beg to be added back by the few who semi liked me at this point. I was the runt of the group, and by this time I was constantly being abandoned for events they planned, but I accepted it because where else could I go? who else would even give me the chance to hang out with them? To this day that's still nobody, my interest in clothing alienating me from absolutely everyone, it was just too strange for them.

I'm sure the above paragraph doesn't make sense

I'm stuck at the end of my sophomore year with no friends. I finally decided to end the group I was in, which I've tried a few times beofre, only to waver because I was so alone. I'm going to deal with that loneliness this time. I can't move, my family is too grounded right now for that, and I'll have to deal with what is potentially two years of lonesomeness. I'm very sad. I don't really know how I'm going to deal with this, but I know I have to go this route. I have no friends, nobody to turn to, nobody to really talk to anymore. And i know it's just a time, that highschool ends and everything changes and it shouldn't matter. but it does matter. I still feel that loneliness in this transition period, still can sense the fact that deep down nobody likes me.

I don't think I can do two years.

[sknss]

You're better off being on your own than with people who don't value your presence. You made a good decision. Try to surround yourself with family and pets so you don't feel too lonely. Focus on the things that make you happy. You could also join a club to meet new people. There has to be another weirdo in your highschool

[WussWayne]

Nothing feels as good as thads pocket pussy

[finolino]

agree with sknss, disassociating with the kids whom you thought were your friends but have actually been everything but was a very smart/mature thing to do. now that you don't have to worry about them (which i bet you did a lot of, if your hs friend-related anxiety is anything like mine was), your mind should be a lot more free to actually do things you like doing. you've got a ton of routes to take that will all inevitably gain you the friendships your previous friends denied you. read that book you've always wanted to read or watch that film you've always wanted to watch but have never had the time for. become the smart kid who knows his shit; kids will probably be impressed and want you to help tutor them. pick up a sport you've never played (or join an entirely new team for a sport you already play); practicing teamwork with a new set of kids is a great way to quickly bond with others. as long as you're genuine in everything you do and not an ass like you said you were freshman year, other kids will recognize that and naturally want to be your friend, though.

another thing that really helps: get a summer job. talking and working with new people who have more experience than you really helps put things into perspective. (plus, nothing beats the satisfaction of cashing in a paycheck you worked hard to get.) i'm pretty sure you cited being a lifeguard before, which is probably the perfect summer job for someone in your position. as long as you're working with people you've never met before (all lifeguards are nice, don't worry), you'll be a lot happier and you'll also realize that not everyone is as shitty as your hs peers are.

my jr year, i was pissed because some kid at my school was successful in turning all my former friends away from me, so i decided that i wasn't going to speak to ANYONE from hs all summer (protip: this is super effective). that strategy worked well; i managed to play two club sports while working at a pool with kids whom i hadn't known before but that i still hang out with outside of this school to this day while simultaneously hitting up a few old friends whom i hadn't had the chance to see in a while. what helped especially was that many of the guards i worked with were either in college or well into their 20's; these guys helped me to see that high school is ephemeral as shit. i had an absolute blast, and i can't wait to guard this summer too especially when knowing that i'll be headed to college in the fall never have to see any of my shitty former hs friends again.

this is so cliched, but today is your day to stop focusing on the exploits of your former "friends" and start making all the potential friendships lurking in the blind spot between your eyes happen.

[meatjacket]

honestly, , my girlfriend and I have gone through much of what you have. We've had mutual and exclusive friends that would sorta be around but usually never were and even when they were, they were very toxic and negative. We sorta just decided as much as it would hurt to detach ourselves from that particular person, it would be better than staying.

A friend of mine was very annoying and pretty much became to be everything i disliked in a person. They smoked constantly and if they weren't, it's all they could talk about. They were very negative about how they'd rather be doing something else, or they'd invite along some friends of theirs, who were also very toxic and seperate from us (who planned to hang with them initially! thats fucked up man) (not the only reasons, just examples)

I ended up just cutting all connections with this person. They've come to apologize for pushing all these bad things on me, but i wouldnt' take it. The next week they'd be talking shit about me but i didn't care. I didn't want to hurt or demean this person because at one point they were my friend and i respected the time we spent together, but i couldn't go on being their friend. I sort of just let them go on and do their own life, which honestly i really recommend. If they want to mess it up with negative feelings and bad ideas, that's fine.

Life without this person has been much nicer. There is a lot less stress.

Its always nice to have lots of friends, but it's nicer to have friends who care. I really only have about 5 friends total because each of these people really add a lot of positive nature and i feel like they actually want to be around me. We are each other's friends. And i feel like a lot of people don't realize how important that is to friendship.

Other ideas:
• Find/Do a Hobby: Practice it alone or find friends who share this interest.
- I mean of course you've got fashion and you know i've always got your back man. Guitar/Music for example has always been very relaxing and comforting. It's a good way to express these feelings of loneliness or whatever you feel. you dont have to be good, you just have to have fun and sort of block out. I always just drone out when i listen to music (which btw Tyranny is a great album for feeling sad, droned or even ecstatic)
• Learn to Live with Loneliness
- i'm no apostle or nothin, but i've sort of just learned that people come and go and times change and shit happens. It has somehow become socially unacceptable to do something by yourself. Being alone is not a bad thing at all. Some me-time is exactly what the soul needs sometimes and it really helps evaluate what you've got in life.
• understand
- high school is awful. its terrible and i dont want to do it anymore. The academic part of school is fine, it's the crowd i don't like. A lot of people in school are not yet mature or are still matureing (hell, i probably am too), so they'll make mistakes and poor decisions. They won't think about how they guy they just ditched feels, we're selfish and we're meek and we're manipulative. BUT, it's up to us to be above that.

Sorry man, i don't know if you want solutions or if you'd like comfort but I just want you to know that i understand what you're going through. Feel free to text/PM anytime.

[mknro]

ok, so I woke up and couldn't remember at all why it had bothered me so much. She just came over cause she'd left her glasses here, and we were completely fine, and it didn't feel weird at all. Realised that it doesn't matter what happened. Sure it makes my memory of our first weeks completely different, but it doesn't change how things have been since then at all.

[thephfactor]

Last night and this morning I've been thinking a lot about how I've reacted to a lot of things in the past month, and how they fit into the last couple of years of my life. Due to stress from school, several family problems, and another matter, my behavior has been harder to cope with and ignore. I've realized that there's a real problem in my life that is holding me back from being happy and productive. I've done some research and I'm almost positive I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I experience all of the symptoms to at least some degree, including several I didn't realize were abnormal, and reading about social factors that play into the cause of the disorder is like reading a biography of myself. I haven't been diagnosed by a medical professional. Until now I've been to scared to make an appointment with a therapist or doctor, but now that I have an idea of what's wrong and have the promise of treatment and recovery, I'm determined to do this. I set an appointment with the first doctor on the list of those accepted by my insurer under the keyword "Borderline Personality Disorder", at the clinic a few blocks from my house. I guess I'll find out on Thursday what's up.

I also have two finals and two final projects to do by the end of the week. (smiling)

[station]

So I'm currently a Biochemistry Major/Pre-dental student. Grades looking good, my entry exam went really well, and I'm pretty set for acceptances. But, I'm just not sure dental (or healthcare/science) is what I want to do...its a really safe job, and from shadowing dentists, I can do it, but it just seems a little boring. I'm not sure if its what I would want to do 8-5 for the next 40 years. Maybe I can come to enjoy it a lot? I've also been less interested in my hard science classes, and often end up thinking about other stuff when I study. So, I've been second guessing myself a lot recently. Then there are my personal interests which are mainly fashion, music, exercise, and fine arts. Over the past few months I've been starting to consider fashion design as a career, but its pretty scary. I don't want to seem money driven, but a fashion designer makes what?? like 70k for the average mid-career designer for a company and around the same if they own a small label?? This is compared to the average dentist at like 180k-360k depending on the specialty you land. It seems so much less safe, but at the same time much more exciting to me personally. When I look at the designers in fashion that I really enjoy like Yohji, Rei, and Issey and then all the teams that work with them, it seems like an amazing job and I'd happily work all day for them, but the possibility of designing sneakers for nike or jeans for J.crew sounds awful (i'd rather do dentistry at this point).

Right now I'm considering finishing my biochem degree as a BA while picking up a BS in fashion design, something I can do by just taking 5 years instead of 4. Then I'd go get a MA at a design school and be off to work with the ability to switch back into science if I can't make it in design after a couple years. Even though I'm 21, I feel like making a decision on what I want to do with my life is a really daunting task. Looking for advice, and if you're in the industry, please PM me so we can talk a bit more.

[Rosenrot]

When I was in Pitti I met this lady who made beautiful clothes I'd love to wear, and her she's originally a dentist, possibly still working full time as one.

[eufemism]

[IsaiahSchafer]

Leaving for reals, but can't edit and wanted to clarify for my own benefit.

nah dawg.

thanks for the comment man. I guess I should've clarified by saying that lots of the "in jokes" are bred on IRC (and elsewhere I assume? idk) and there's a barrier of entry because the effects of that are all over the place here.

Sorry I derailed the conversation- I didn't mean to call out the neg itself but the useless nature of the comment "rofl." Neg me please if you'd like, but it's bad news when you're actively defending someone who says "rofl" with nothing to say about what someone else is wearing- every time you post a fit you're putting yourself out there a little and it sucks that care-tags could be a place where pointless non-constructive feedback on something like that is okay. If it were a fitness thread and someone posted a progress pic of muscles and someone negged with "rofl" I'd like to think it would get a negative reaction from the community- like I think it should in this context too. I'm not "great" at fashion and welcome constructive feedback, but not shit like that which belongs on sufu (shoutout to you though for pointing that out-)

sorry about "shirt poster" typed on my phone which wasn't as worked up as I was obviously.

first off, is it 'the factor' or 'the PH actor'? Second, sorry again for the meta commentary. Please read what I said to C.U.B.B. about that. If someone negged me and said something about "dumb shoes" or "pants too tight no artful pooling" I feel like it would be reasonable to quote that in the comments since it's a topic for fits and you might want some suggestions or whatever- plus I couldn't edit my comment like I would've preferred. Again, not the neg that bothers me, just the counter-productive and useless 'rofl' from saveed, which would be pretty 'whatever' in other threads, but not waywt.

[sbuers]

Forever wishing I was 5"6 instead of 6"5

[JonjoShelvey]

Today I will go home on the 7th day of my hospital stay for crohns disease related complications. Docs say I can't digest food or absorb the nutrition so they put a PICC line in me to pump nutrition through my veins. For the next 2-4 weeks I can't eat anything and this will be my only source of nutrition. Sorry for the bad pic. This sucks lol