Feelings

[purkinje]

people in general are weird. But, like, that can be in a good way!

[sparkyoriental]

Wow, I just visited my ex-gf's twitter for the first time in months and never in my life have I ever been so happy to be rid of someone.

Her twitter description is "Passive Aggressive Princess." She praises Ayn Rand, calling critics "ignorant" and "stupid."

Her new girlfriend also looks like she could by my younger sister.

You know when you date someone, and you decide to just see what happens instead of doing the typical quasi-interviewing that people do? Like instead of asking "what are you beliefs about gun control" you just generally hang out with someone and then try to discern what their views on gun control are based on their opinions on Game of Thrones, local music, and their taste in beer? That's what I did with my ex, and I realized after TWO MONTHS that I didn't do quite enough interviewing. After a lovely date where we went to an opera and cooked Thai food together, she uttered, to my horror, "poor people are just lazy" and "drug addiction is a personal choice." Huh?! After I found out she thinks welfare should be abolished, I just couldn't have sex with her anymore. I'm slightly ashamed to admit I dumped her via text...I didn't understand at the time - how could someone who likes Werther and Massenet as much as I do be a social conservative?! Other gems (she's a model): my greatest struggle in life was admitting to myself that I'm beautiful. Ughhhhhhhhhh

[rublev]

I have over 2,000 photos in iphoto and none of them are of other people.

[sparkyoriental]

eep, sorry I'm spamming this thread. I guess I just have a lot of feelings or something.

I have a general question - any care-taggers here ever been overweight? Can you describe (in general terms) what it physically feels like? Or anything about being overweight that you feel is worth mentioning.

The reason I ask is because I'm probably looking at gaining a lot of weight, upwards of 50-60+ pounds in the near future because of a medication I'm taking. It's fine, I'm mentally prepared for it because I'd much rather be healthy than thin. This drug messes with your metabolism and endocrine system or something, and causes people to put on a lot of weight very quickly (my dr. and the internet confirm 50+ lb gains). I'm just a little nervous for how I'll physically feel...I've always played sports and been active and fit and I'm worried that being overweight will interfere with activities that I enjoy like swimming, running, and hiking. :S I'm assuming all those things will be harder whilst overweight. I've already put on some weight and I'm rapidly gaining and it's so weird to see my body change! I've been the same general weight since I was about 14 and it's just odd to see my body changing after being static for years. It's good that this is coinciding with my rapid disinterest in fashion...it's going to get a lot harder to dress myself in a few months. And of course I'm worried for my vanity, but if all goes well and this drug does its job, I know which I'd rather have.

[rjbman]

Pretty much all weekend has been spent in lab working on an MP (machine problem, think massive programming assignment/project). Literally morning to 11+pm at night. And I'm still not finished. So drained.

Just as many people are in the same boat as me, if not worse because staggered due dates means that I don't turn in til Wednesday. On the bright side I'm actually meeting and talking with other people in my class for once, it's nice to meet new people.

This week is gonna be crazy busy, besides that due Wednesday I've got a test Tuesday in an unrelated class I need to start studying for, a basketball game Wednesday night after turn in, and a test in this MP class on Computer Systems Engineering on Thursday. Thankfully the following week is gonna be slow, so I'm going home for the weekend to visit family/friends/pets, and really looking forward to it.

[hooplah]

my mom is visiting and it turns out she's leaving a day earlier than i thought

i'm really sad

[CleanThug]

Most of the hobbies i've ever had usually fade away with time. I have obsessive-compulsive tendencies and even though it may be a strange thing to think, I'm worried the hobbies I really like will fade away also. What if fashion, fitness, etc. doesn't matter to me in 5 years time? Who will I be? Hobbies craft people but if yours fade with time then what kind of person are you?

[agvs]

you don't have to be defined by your hobbies. Most people aren't. You're young, man. Just enjoy your hobbies while you do. It doesn't say anything about you as a person if you're not interested in the same stuff in 5 years.

[starfox64]

[freddy]

Why the fuck does it matter what hobbies you'll have in five or ten years?? Hobbies will be hobbies, if you have time for them, great! If not then, you'll probably be busy with adult responsibilities and other personal commitments. And perhaps the only time you'll truly have later is when you retire. This sounds like an OCD problem itself, more than the arbitrariness of contemplating what hobbies you'll have in the future. More honestly, it sounds more like a pondering existential issue than anything. And if anything.... see my shenanigan's thread if you can wade through the actual shenanigans to see where I also ponder about such catastrophizing of identity issues lying ahead of me in the future.

[hooplah]

everyone in my friends group is graduating law school, in med school, or a nurse. i'm the failure. they talk about taking vacations to europe and costa rica and i feel like they're... evolving without me. every time they talk about this shit i just get this sinking realization in my stomach that 10 years from now they're going to be vacationing in the maldives together while i'm making $40k and despising myself.

[Bobbin.Threadbare]

is dealing with some real life stuff right now and all I can think about it what kind of message having my face as my avatar puts out.

[sidewalk]

polio

[hooplah]

it's not so much about how much money i make, it's about how much money i need to make to stay in step with my friends and be able to enjoy things with them
the heart-stopping sadness i get is from something my dad told me... it's about keeping up with your friends, in a personal and social sense. not a dick-measuring contest, not measuring your success by how much money you make, but being able to enjoy the same things as your friends. if my friends go on vacation together and i can't afford it, that sucks major ass. if they want to eat at a restaurant that i can't afford, that sucks major ass. it's already happening.

i'm not an "i need money i need money" type of person. i value happiness above all else. but unfortunately (for me) money seems to be intrinsic to happiness. i'm not asking for heaps of cash and millions of dollars, i'm just scared that i won't make an income that will allow me to do things with my friends.

it's pathetic, i know. it's like a new level of FOMO.

also my friends are all freaks and absolutely love being lawyers and doctors and nurses. and they're all great at what they do. i'm not talking bottom of the barrel nurses and lawyers here, i'm talking about top schools and top jobs. my friends are all very successful and i'm still sitting here wondering what i want to do with my life.

anyway enough sad stuff

[sidewalk]

polio

[hooplah]

you make it sound (and maybe i've mistakenly made it sound) like it's a desperate attempt to stay relevant with my friends; it's not. this is a very tight-knit group of friends that has evolved from middle school through college. it's not the type of "hang out every day" friendship that you grow out of; we're spread out on opposite sides of the country but still stay in touch. without going into huge detail about the nature of our friendship, it's just not how it seems. i'm just airing my stupid worries in a vague way on an internet forum. i really appreciate that you've taken time to try and quell my mind, though, haha. going through all the intricacies of the insane (and insanely stupid) stresses and worries in my life would take the length of the bible and be completely uninteresting. but anyway, thanks.

anyway i feel like a dunce going on about this shit

is beyonce's ass real?

[freddy]

I believe y'all are trying to pinpoint what is 'subjective well-being'. Only yourself can self-evaulate and if you feel XYZ given your context of personal achievement and living. Everyone has their own standards and objectives, whether you follow the status quo/society in your surrounding sphere of influence on your own accord; it's really a personal matter of how can one tap into their convoluted past that is personally stifling and self-sabotaging, to ultimately empower one's self to stride towards whatever achievement that drives them. It's like foraying into fashion; the community as a collective, our mom's, or even the so-called stylist-sales associates can only show you what they have in-store or personally know; however, it's ultimately up to you as the shopper to determine what you like and want – because it's you that will buy the damn garment and rep the shit out of it for whatever occasion or matter that you desire in.

It's difficult to impose a universal standard, in fashion or a career outlook. Some are just happy in their favorite vintage thrift find as if they swooped-off an in-season piece at Bergdorfs. And some are just as happy working at a non-profit in contrast to those who work in high-powered executive positions. Different strokes for different folks is in the name of fashion and for anything else really. However, it is fruitless to commingle and contrast one's level of personal satisfaction with one's self; we all have different reason and backgrounds that shape our personalities and subsequently realities so we have subjectively different likes and dislikes – and more importantly, having a disparate personal perspective (separate from others) on what's deeply meaningful to us that will unfold whatever emotions or satisfaction that we desire hopelessly pondering in retrospect.

We all have our personal self-narratives. However, unless we're are subverted and coerced by outside influence (i.e. family, friends, society, and personal feelings of insecurities/inferiority), it is truly ourselves that define and determine the ways in which we want to shape and what is that we want to experience and ultimately do for not just our livelihoods, but for our personal narrative as well. With this said, it is perhaps more urgently transcending to determine and quell any notions of making uninhibited and obstructed decisions for our lives and that we are actually able to grasp for that internal locus of control, so we can unearth and enamor the confidence to pursue whatever the fuck it is that we want to do, untethered by the illusionary besiegement of others.

[purkinje]

After being 'active' on the internet for years I find it really hard to be completely sincere and natural when communicating via text/forum/etc and I hate that I can't be more of myself. The more I reflect on it the more I realize that it's not only on the internet but in person as well; I've always almost unknowingly taken on the mannerisms and intonations of others I'm around when I'm around them and it frustrates me because I don't really know if I have a natural self at this point. People say "just be yourself" but I don't even know if that's a thing for me. I need to stop seeking approval from people as much as I do and focus on being more sincere.

[sid3000]

I've had a lot going on lately that has become too much of a burden to confront but can I just say my post workout meal at Sonic today was both the least satisfying and most degrading thing I've done this year so far.

[kyung]

i've become more and more comfortable distancing myself from others lately. perhaps it's because i don't feel like i connect with my friend group at school that well, but i think i'd much rather be alone somewhere than being with a group of friends. i go to school in bumfuck nowhere, so all there really is to do is drink and go to on-campus events, which aren't really for me. it's not like i believe that i'm on some higher plane of understanding, but i find myself bored and uninterested at these types of things.

i find it more comfortable when i'm just by myself, which makes it all the worse when i do get lonely and i don't really have anyone to rely on

[inherently]

I know that feeling too. I've never found a tight-knit group of friends in college like I did in high school. I just have a lot of different friend circles that I'm on good terms with.

Part of that's definitely on me. I've never really put myself out there (drinking and on-campus events aren't really my thing either) and I'm not really that social/talkative in the first place. I can't help but think some of that is also based on where I lived my freshman year (some of the people i lived with turned out to be really crazy/weird, and none of my classmates lived on my campus)

[sparkyoriental]

i've been having a hard time with a friend of mine lately. i try to form opinions on people, relationships, and behavior/opinions through the lens that all experiences and problems are relative and everyone has had different life experiences that motivate them to behave or believe whatever they do. this friend is challenging my empathy. she complains incessantly and is incredibly negative about (from my pov) nothing at all. it's just been in recent years that I've lost my patience with people who view life from an negative light and I'm not quite sure why.

your post really resonated with me and I'm going through something similar. I'm kind of realizing that my friends are mostly just fairweather friends. Eh, it's alright. More time to do stuff I actually want to do.

and haha I think I'm probably the #1 most prolific poster on this thread and I see a therapist every week! I guess I'm just very emotional and I tend to be the person people turn to when it comes to personal issues and it's tiring. In the past couple months it seems like everyone is coming out with past suicide attempts, depression, eating disorders, etc. people tend to view me as emotionally steady and easy to talk to but it's been bumming me out. why is everyone sad? :(

[FeministFatal]

I feel like the more I get into fashion, the more I despair. I feel like the looks that I really like are impossible to recreate without money and that everything I own is boring, low quality, and cheap because that is all that is available in my area for my price range. I feel like the only thing I can do is grunge and simple looks and I become increasingly dissatisfied with everything I wear. I don't own a single cool brand and it just depressed me that even like rag and bone and uniqlo is too good for me. In my small town there is hardly anything to find thrifting. I have a job but all of my money needs to go to college. I feel like all of my close fashion friends think I have tacky taste and are advancing without me. Especially I want to try some interesting hair and makeup ideas but I have nothing to wear with it. I guess I'm just whining, I just feel like I know enough about fashion to love it but I'm not talented and don't have enough funds to do anything but stand at the sidelines. Ug. Anyone have a new style to recommend me that doesn't require buying anything expensive? First world problems I suppose.

[fun_yunchables]

it's definitely no coincidence finding this mutual sentiment of not "fitting" into a group. i'm sure there's some sort of correlation in which people move to online communities because they feel like they didn't fit in anywhere else.

i suffered from it but i think i slowly grew to be somewhat okay with it. i still get the feeling time to time though, that it sucks not having a group of friends who share all of your interests, or are just a fleeting group.

[nick]

[rjbman]

FWIW I started reading MFA because of a want to improve from my high school self. Still made a fair amount of friends, some of which have kind of diffused(?) away from me and others that have come into my life in a just incredible way. I'm going to miss the fuck out of these guys after college.

On the bright side this summer will be in Chicago and 99% of them are Chicago-area, so I'll still be able to stay in touch, moreso than last summer.

[freddy]

I caught up with an old buddy and it sounds like our old clique has been very interested in my whereabouts. I told him that I was busy studying and mental health-related blah blah but I couldn't bring myself to share c-t or my mum for these past few years. Lol

Being the clown and life-of-the-party (which is really circumstantial), he's trying to lure me to go out to enjoy nightlife with him and amongst with others, but I am trying to resist because I want to tend to my deep-seated insecurities and issues before really integrating and participating back with everything and everyone wholly. It's nice to know that despite my departure into my own clusterfuck of "self-exploration"; it's nice to also know that there are buddies out there that care and are reaching out. It's also kind of tough since I have made myself unavailable or difficult to reach. And apparently apparently two weeks ago, one of the girls in our clique got beat-up with a black-eye by some Arab-dude whom likely to have bought a table and bottle-service, which the club didn't do anything about it and even kicked her out. I'm not sure of the story entirely but it does sound awful. I'm not the one to be touch-y feel-y about consoling but it does elicit some feels. I also feel that not many people reach to her completely because she's attractive and well-known in the eyes of many other dudes and girls.

I'm also not too keen on reverting back to hanging with people I grew up with for they're on a different trajectory that I am on. I know once I start kicking it with them, I will be connected with a whole stream of folks that we will bode with until everyone settles-down/get's married or die together. It's a small world and I am an adventurer trying to expand my experiences and relationships, which contrary to the small-tribe/incestuous six-degrees of separation of socializing here.

A lot of us really delved into our own trajectories and our clique has lost the luster of our deep connection. I am the key to the pandora's box for everyone.... but I feel that I need to adamantly tend with full focus my own issues :(

Also, I feel that my mum and the experiences alongside with it has really fostered me to be more acculturated in mainstream America culture. Stopping by my mom's place earlier tonight, she complained about how her new gig has problematic superiors and that even the co-workers whom are of her same ethnicity (Chinese) are difficult to befriend and deal with. I spoke briefly about the cultural differences I faced growing up, and that I completely agree with her feelings about our own peoples and that of mainstream America. She's someone that goes out to befriend persons of all colors, if they have a nice personality and are easy-going. I think I find the correlation with me as well. The biggest thing growing-up for me is being the odd-ball out within my sphere of social setting. I mean don't get me wrong, I can chill with the cats I grew up with; however, I think it's becoming more and more clear that I am becoming more "white-washed".

I also think it's also difficult to find Asian chicks whom are as acculturated to the "standard" (sorry for the lack of a better term right now) that I am looking for. I tend to interact and get along with various ethnicities, so many times not; Asian chicks see that as a positive character trait in me but I don't want them to idealize me in a friendship/relationship solely because of that. I don't know. I just find it more and more difficult now that I've been a significantly more distanced from Asian folks in general, and I think I relate better with Caucasian folks. Perhaps it's because I revert to my old self that is how I was brought up in my social environment, which I am adamantly trying to explore and expand my horizons; however, it seems that it takes a toll where I feel compelled to compartmentalize the two groups. I am finding myself relating more and more with Caucasian girls in general. The way of speaking and communication is much more relaxed and easy-going for me. Most of the time, I feel like I am truly being and feeling myself when I strike-up a conversation.

I'm trying to blend and merge many disparate social desires and atmospheres and I'm torn about it all in the process as well. Usually I am the lone-wolf in engaging in these types of social connections but it does get lonely/tiresome when I feel compelled to do myself. I suppose sometimes I just want to relax with folks that compliments me completely; however, I am am beginning to really realize that especially given my whirlwind of a personality structure, that I am in need of interacting and relating with many types of people. I cannot just hang with one specific group; I get frustrated and outright simply bored. I need to be bouncing around and keeping-it-moving. Though, I do wish that when times do get stress and tough that I can just revert to a constellation of amassed friendships and group, alas I am usually the liberator and lone-wolf amongst desperate circles...

On another note: my mom is pleading with me to get a haircut because I am looking very feminine/girl-like.... and trying to lightly condemn me for looking like a "cowboy." I'm not sure if I should feel righteously offended or smugly satisfied. Our relationship has progressed to be a lot better!

[chilljin]

stop 4 one fuckin moment and just realise that you're you and you're fuckin awesome

what reason have you got to be truly unhappy? doubt you have no limbs and gangrene on ur torso then id be let u be unhappy

smile enjoy little shit like walkin to the traffic lights and they turn green to walk as you get there like fuck you cars pedestrian is coming through

have a fag in the sunrise and be like 'shit yeah im gonna be productive today'

go out clubbing do some mdma fall in love i dont know just dont fuckin mope around and waste your precious time

confidence is happiness

[lostie]

my roommate's boyfriend brought us donuts and saved me a boston creme

[exprof]

single friends are exponentially more fun than couple friends