Feelings

[lee3jm]

I think I'm gonna switch majors again. Can't do this CS thing anymore. I still like coding somewhat but I'm not interested in setting myself up to pursue it as a career. Plus the CS pedagogy at my school is whack. I kinda dig the idea of web design so I'll probably take 1 more class in that focus since I'm 1 class away from a minor. Gonna do Industrial Design or Interior Architecture. I feel so much more at peace just thinking about it. Gonna have to stay 1 or 2 more semesters but better than spending a year and a half doing something I don't like.

[IsaiahSchafer]

I'm about to turn 23, I'm married, we live in our own apartment... and I just spent 20 minutes making sure that all the alcohol was non-visible hidden in a bin of t-shirts at the back of the closet because my parents came over to visit.

It ain't right.

[camping jazz]

[IsaiahSchafer]

Unfortunately, very much for reals. My parents are extremely Mormon.. I can't even begin to imagine the shits that would be flipped if they knew there was even alcohol in the house. It's ridiculous.

You should have seen the disappointment in their faces when I asked them if they seriously believed the earth was 7,000 years old. Whole nine yards. "If we came from monkeys why are there still monkeys" "you just need more faith" "don't go to the doctor just pray about it" etc etc etc.

On the plus side my therapist is really nice. :S

[AmericanPie]

[redacted]

[ramseames]

we all die alone and are forgotten

[station]

shit ramseames, thats really depressing.
Anyway, my friend and I talk about this pretty often. I think it really boils down to the angle you take to look at it. Lets say that you do just have kids, buy some things, work more, get older, and then pass away. If you view it like that it sounds pretty shitty/what is the point of life. But that's not the best way to view it because it completely erases the experiences along the way. By expecting for life to just hit you with these markers is wrong. Instead I think you should be excited for the experiences and memories each part and stage of life brings you. For example, I have no idea what being a parent is like, but I can't imagine how great it would be to watch your child walk for the first time, sending them off to school, watching them get into a college they want, helping them when their times are tough. Yeah, I'd be just raising a kid like the other millions of parents, and its nothing special, but the experiences that I'd accumulate from that would be mine and something I could treasure on my deathbed. Of course, you could also view it as look at all the shit I had to go through, but again, sometimes its better to adjust your perspective and try to view life with somewhat rose-tinted glasses.
As for buying shit, yeah, we're all going to buy stuff, and maybe most of it will be nothing special. A lot of you have probably taken trips to Europe, but my mom at 62 still hasn't made it there. While once again, going to Europe is nothing special; millions of people do it in their life, and many do it many times, the experience that she would get and the impact it'd have on the rest of her life is pretty massive because I know she'd truly appreciate it. It'd be something she could appreciate to her deathbed.
I think the point I'm trying to make, is don't take stuff for granted, but rather, truly appreciate the opportunities and shit you have. Even if you don't think you have the opportunities to have kids or go to Europe, there are so many simple things that people don't stop to appreciate that are really cool. When I was really sad for a while, I'd go on hikes in the morning and at night by myself. Sometimes just sitting down and letting the wind blow by as I looked at the city or listening to the forest was really cool, and I still appreciate those moments to this day. I even appreciate all those nights I had to stay up till really late hours finishing homework I had procrastinated. I know they were shitty, and I hated it during them, but to me, it was part of me "growing up" and learning (to not procrastinate so much). To most people, my life is pretty boring, I'm just a college student trying to get a job in the future so I can live a comfortable life, but honestly, I think viewing it like that is so shit. I'm usually pretty excited about my life and the memories I make as I go along and the opportunities I'll have in the future. Appreciate stuff instead of expecting it/glossing over it and you'll have an enjoyable life.

Tl;dr So much is worthwhile and appreciable in life. Instead of expecting things, try to appreciate everything you can.
Anyway, thats my pseudo-hippie rant.

[hmwut]

its been a year and a half since the last car accident and i still cant be in a passenger seat without severe anxiety and paranoia.

a high school class mate of mine burned alive while waiting at a red light on rt 22. a tractor trailer hit him so hard from the rear the kids pickup truck exploded. i drive on rt 22 more than any other major road.

fuck cars. fuck cars. fuck cars.

[Prae]

So after not feeling like I wanted anything I tried to fix it. That resulted in two things, first off I switched my stingy mind off and bought CPs, which I fucking adore. So that fueled my idea to start buying less, but more expensive, which I can hopefully pursue when I'm going to Berlin the next week.

The second thing was with girls. I was lucky enough to have this amazingly beautiful girl come in to the bar I work at and after chatting to her for 3 hours we decided to meet up, long story short, I was falling for her hard and we were hanging out almost every day for a week. Then I started realizing that she is not at all what I was looking for and because my mind is sort of weird that just cut all my "love" feelings for her. She had most of the qualities I want, also being funny and able to give me shit back when I need it, but she was just way too into being in a relationship and I just don't think I'm ready for that at all. In a week we were already having discussions whether or not we would work as a couple and all these weird things. So that ended in me Thursday talking to her in a parking-lot for 3 hours, first 2½ were just me being guilt-tripped into getting into a relationship with her and thereby only cementing my decision to end it and the last half hour was me somehow flipping "I can't see why I should ever talk to you again" into us laughing, hugging and deciding we should just stay friends.

So I'm happy that it didn't blow up hard, but also feels weird to realize how high my standards are. It means I'll feel absolutely amazing when I finally find someone, but it also means that I'm probably going to be alone for quite a while yet.

Again, rambling, but it's been hell of a hectic week..

[CheerUpBrokeBoy]

[freddy]

I feel like I'm able to open up myself now and recently sometimes it's a bit too surreal that I just keep to myself -- can't believe I was enduring disorganized schizophrenia for this long. I now have dirt to tell a list of educators how wrong their agenda-based test-taking reductionist foresight were. (smiling)

Like I've been pretty socially connectable with this handicap that I reckon interweaved all throughout my life, and I wonder what and where life will take me as I become liberated with congruent and coherent sense of self -- less fragmentation and split sense of identity and inner reality than before. (smiling)

I think my inability to find congruence within myself and therefore unable to connect with peoples in a direct and intimate manner and only to know of me in on my circumstantially maniac times is something that causes others to perceive me as a mystery and man-child wonder. amirite? (smiling)

I think I may be yet another case study in a journal or something just because I'm Asian (Asians metabolize antipsychotics a lot quicker) and the medications are working well...a bit too well than clinically anticipated. I like being a case study. (smiling)

For real, sometimes I felt throughout my madness that I couldn't and wouldn't make it, that I was statistically doomed to have the odds against me, but I'm glad I stuck through it despite the chaotic relationships and journey -- nevertheless the resentful aftereffects. At least I have closure and solutions now. (smiling)

(:

[Prae]

I thought the same, that I was just sabotaging myself away from success, I just don't know anymore, I wouldn't have been happy with her, it would have been like my last relationship, me stressing about it because I didn't have enough time to invest in it and her getting hurt. The thing is also that me and her were very different, I think what I need is someone who is as busy as myself, so that we are both looking forwards to spending time together.

All in all, I have no clue, I just hope that what I'm doing now will lead to true happiness down the road.

[harmsalmon]

god I want to get into Northwestern University so fucking bad.

[fun_yunchables]

i'm normally not one to divulge these sort of things, but i really need a place to vent.

for the past several weeks (or even months), i've been having this persistent fear of some uncertain thing. i have a strong suspicion it's causing the health issues that have been plaguing me as of recently, but it's not something that's easily remedied (at least it isn't immediately apparent to me), as this fear is generated by some nebulous source. i guess it's probably like an anxiety disorder of some sort, but i don't know.

i don't know if it's related but i have this recurring dream where someone breaks into my home and strangles me while i sleep. it's terrifying.

(also to be quite honest it was a little terrifying writing this initially but now i feel a bit better)

[Blastoise]

Change of pace, good feelings. So glad I chose to go to school/live in the Twin Cities. It's a lot of fun, and being so close to my girlfriend all the time feels great. Studying together, dates, sleeping over on the weekend, ect. Feeling pretty awesome lately.

But still unsure about what I'm studying so that's always on the back of my mind.

[Stingray Sam]

God i am so happy right now, I just got an offer to work part time at a winery in exchange for them teaching me everything they know about winemaking and one of the vintners has a friend in seattle who owns a distillery and might be able to get me a job there when i move to seattle after winter break.

Edit: It's my dad's friend's winery they don't have their own vineyard and honestly they are pretty bad at business and getting their product out there so unless you live in spokane and go to wine tasting stuff you probably wouldn't know them. They do make very good wine though and are incredibly knowledgeable about their product. They use grapes from all over the palouse, walla walla and oregon areas

[RomanEmpire]

Missed my little sisters birthday (she just turned 4) because I had to work all day. I feel pretty bummed about it because it might have been the last time I would be able to spend her birthday with her depending on where I go to college next year. She dressed up as a princess, it was really cute

[omgimacarrot]

Visited my fraternity for alumni/homecoming weekend. Felt weird in a weird accomplished way and inadequate because so many of my peers already got jobs. I think for the first time I was reminded that I'm getting older shown by my massive hangover and general exhaustion from staying out late/waking up early.

Saw an old crush at the bar. We proceeded to chat for a bit, went our separate ways, and I thought nothing of it because she said she only wanted to be friends when I voiced my liking for her a while back. She texted me today and said if I was ever in town again she'd like to get dinner. I'm not sure if it's a date or just catching up because we were practically best friends throughout college. Either way I'm not too upset.

[BobbyZamora]

Tinder as a guy is an excellent way to shatter your self esteem.

[zayg]

only reason i ever used tinder was for an esteem boost from all the matches i got that i never planned to talk to

[BobbyZamora]

That was my intent, but then after a while of using it I quickly realized it was an awful idea because of how few matches I got.

[freddy]

seeing my friend incessantly swipe on tinder just makes it seem like too much work. idk how ppls do it because okc is too much work unless I get filtered out for not being Caucasian.

on another note, i had some high school hispanic chick straight up holler at me today. but yeah i will just stay celibate T_T

[Stingray Sam]

it kinda sucks to see someone you used to really like and hang out with a lot turn in to a completely unlikable ass

[zayg]

its even worse when you're that unlikable ass and nobody likes you anymore because they become lame and grown up

[sparkyoriental]

I got an email detailing my job offer today. :D

I spent most of this evening thinking about how crazy the past three years have been. Three years ago I don't think I would have ever believed that I would be able to finish my degree, let alone finish with a good gpa from a difficult major. Just under a year ago I was talking to my doctor about possibly needing assisted living. Life has gotten immeasurably better, easier, and more enjoyable as time has passed. Looking back, I'm so proud of myself and I'm very excited for the future.

/sappy feeltalk post

[purkinje]

self-loathing through the roof since the start of the semester

it's strange being surrounded by people almost constantly and yet not really connecting with anyone to the point of loneliness

[camping jazz]

have a lot of downtime with my school out of session. bored by the end of the day so i've taken to drinking a bit too regularly. not getting torn up or anything but feel like i need a buzz at night.

invited rl friends into my twitter/tumblr over time, now i feel like i don't have anywhere to vent about anything. don't have anywhere online to myself really.

have 2 friends giving me the cold shoulder lately for different reasons. one seems to feel like she owes it to her boyfriend to cut me out; we've been friends for a long time with nothing approaching romance ever so it just feels like i'm losing a friend over nothing (besides being a dude). the other: no idea what's up with him.

job search is going a bit slower than i expected, though i do have a phone screen lined up this coming week, and i think that'll go well.

i think my issue, again, is having so much downtime. too much time with my own thoughts makes me feel isolated.

[smiles]

My girlfriend and I broke up. Don't know what to feel. 2.5 years affected. At least I know I'm a better person after these 2.5 years, because of her.

[chilljin]

i just got dumped via text lol

on the bright side i also auditioned for 3 plays and got offered the lead male in 3 plays, which is nice

[BobbyZamora]

What qualifies as "breaking up via text"? I think that might be how I got dumped. She argues that she didn't "break up via text" though, because she did offer to meet one last time, but she made it clear that it was just a courtesy and that we were broken up by that point. Does that still count?