Feelings

[schiaparelli]

"why did the artist take morphine?"
"because he needed an aesthetic"

hahahahaha funny good joke lol wait what's my aesthetic i do creative stuff right what does it look like who am i what am i becoming where do i want to go? today is a day where even puns are inducing creative crises. i don't really know what i'm good at right now, i just know what other people think i'm good at and i'm plugging away blindly doing things i'm not sure i like.

i've been escaping into content consumption instead of content creation. not what i want out of my time.

[freddy]

that is my life despite my hyperactive personality sometimes, or really schizotypal relations with others. Though I suppose I can blame it on schizophrenia now that I have closure and a diagnostic clinical explanation, but it still sucks. It's not to say that I can't be sociable, shoot the shit, and "network" with people, but I always meet new folks and make conversation, yet it's never long-lasting or deep - despite even the other party wanting to whilst many are lead to be disappointed/confused/stood-up. :/

This is why I relegate to online life because it provides a continual conversation, albeit with a larger degree of multidimensional flexibility - online conversation is 24/7 ;). (esp if I am largely distracted and have an erratic sleep schedule) I tend to better when I lead a 1v1 conversation. however especially with group settings, it is particularly tough because I'm suddenly overstimulated by multidirectional cross-over of many conversations and that invokes anxiety. And with this, I reckon why when I do speak in relations with others, it is often provocative enough to claim the center of attention, then I retreat to me own sphere of things. So it's either I lead the conversation with my stream of disorganized/loosely-connected thoughts that I appear to be fine; but when I don't speak in deference and respect to others for their chance to speak, I am wallowed with anxiety that induces social awkwardness.

So basically I have a lot of spontaneous 1v1 connections with people, because group socializing is overwhelming and mentally taxing for me to follow; but because I am distracted and subsumed with my disorganized chaotic mind, that it is never long enough to sustain a coherent and working relationship, and therefore I feel isolated and lonely too. The internet is a great solution because I have required to explicitly communicate and oust a 1v1 conversation like this heh! (but i'll probably wander off after this post lol)

I suppose this is why I also like to talk to professional people / sales associates for socializing - I get that undivided attention haha

It all feels superficial sometimes despite the overwhelmingness of it all. but it's just how I roll...that results in all these fragmented relationships. Hopefully people will eventually understand when they do want and try to reach out, but as much as I sometimes would emotionally like, in the moment I can't because of xyz distractions. It sucks especially when I realizingly and cannot help but to self-sabotage myself in procuring intimacy for courting romantic relationships as well. :/ :/ \: :(

[ducksick]

[zayg]

been broken up with via text while drunk in a bar

surprisingly the best place to be broken up with via text although you would not expect it

just think of it this way - breaking up with someone is one of the hardest things to do. it isn't often that someone just completely drops interest and breaks up with somebody on a whim with no emotional drama of their own. i can't say i've ever done it, but i suppose i can understand how for some it is the easiest way of avoiding the anxiety of the break up. i had a text conversation basically segue into an in person break up and even that was overwhelmingly anxiety inducing. just sayin, even when things hit the fan it can be pretty hard to find a way to do so if there isn't some obvious catastrophic reason for ending the relationship

[purkinje]

Realizing that I'm building a new life is exhilarating and beautiful and scary and all those things. Establishing haunts, smoke spots, that one table at the library which is 'yours,' knowing that I'll associate the music I'm into now with this time in my life and come across a song in a few years and be brought back to this. Being around people enough that the little bits that make them who they are start falling into place until suddenly you start to know them on more than just a superficial level. Breaking down and crying into someone over too much tequila and sharing things I normally wouldn't share is a wholly exfoliating ordeal. I still feel incredibly lonely but it suppresses it, being around other people, trying to connect, building relationships. Had a panic attack a few weeks back while smoking and thought about who I am and who I want to be. Most of the time it seems like I'm just mimicking social interaction to get through the day-to-day, even on the internet. Being homeschooled through elementary and middle school wasn't necessarily a bad experience but it certainly left me behind in a lot of areas, mostly now showing in that I constantly feel disconnected from people and can't really relate or socialize in the way I perceive other people doing. I realize I'm thought of as the fool in a lot of groups who's emotions don't really get hurt and who people don't really take seriously and that I should probably stop internalizing things and work harder to make time to build meaningful relationships with the people I care about, but sometimes it just doesn't happen. I need to take initiative and pursue the things I'm passionate about instead of just saying I'll do them and then not. The panic attack left me terrified of who I was and the potential that I really don't live up to. I keep reminding myself everything is a learning experience and that every failed relationship or dead-end will help me next time.

Drove up to Keene NH with some friends and the girlfriend this weekend for pumpkin fest, which was a good experience in getting closer to people. Our time was cut short due to the Keene State riots getting out of hand, tear gas, helicopters, curfew, and so on. The parents of the friend that lived in NH were really sweet people and had bought all of us pumpkins to carve. Carved a La Dispute flower into mine and ate some really good friend pickles.

[agvs]

I don't have any kind of grand advice for you but I can relate. I experienced similar feelings as a young person for a long time. I felt like an alien. I just could not relate to people even though I had good friends who I shared experiences with and stuff. I came to the realization that I'm just not one consistent person. I like having different aspects of my personality that I indulge in at any given time. It's not easy being different. People think there's something wrong with you and you feel external pressure to try and be like everyone else. I hope you find some peace of mind. It took me a while before I was comfortable in my own skin. You mentioned pursuing the things you're passionate about. That was key for me. I got lost in making music and it gave me peace of mind.

I stopped trying to conform to what I thought was a normal person and just let myself be. I still don't relate to people very well in general but I'm comfortable with myself now and don't particularly care. I wouldn't give that as advice because everyone is different and I don't know you but that's my perspective.

[freddy]

So apparently after meeting with a world renowned expertz, because I am able to articulate my thoughts so well in the moment, I DON'T have schizophrenia. Bipolar disorder from a lot of stress and unresolved family issues that aggregates into psychosis, yes. I suppose this turns into a thought disorder too. Luckily the antipsychotic medication especially at a super tiny dose I took are interapplicable for bipolar and schizophrenia.

I've had my 10 minute for telling everyone that I have schizophrenia. 10/10 would do it again

[yoyobeat]

I got a job offer in a new field I've wanted to try and break into for the last 2 years

[IsaiahSchafer]

My grandma who was really struggling with dementia passed away yesterday. It hasn't sunk in yet and I'm not excited for when it does. Seeing someone's mind slip in the way it does with dementia really hurts. Last friday night my parents went camping and my grandma left a lot of messages (she was at a nursing home)- and all the calls were about "where am I??" "Please, please, please get me out of here. Get me out of here!".

Desperation and a loss of reality. Except for her, the actual reality didn't matter, because the reality that dementia created for her was hurting her so much :(

She died at 78, and is the youngest person of her extended family to die. The next youngest that died was 89 if I remember correctly. So it really surprised everyone- she's from some seriously hardy stock. Over five years ago she was on dialysis, had serious diabetes and everyone thought she was about to die. She said "stop the dialysis, stop the insulin" and so they took her off and she just got "better" somehow.

So yes, she is no longer suffering, but that doesn't take away the shock factor. She had a gigantic heart that was pure gold. She would forget where she was, how old she was, she'd think she needed to get up and shower (she was confined to her bed) and go on an airplane and that was so hard to hear about, but then we'd go visit her and her eyes would light up, she'd call us all by name and ask for hugs from all of us. I introduced her to my wife and grandma was immediately taken with her, "oh my you're so beautiful! Give me a hug!"

Her car smelled like perfume, she always listened to classical radio, she was eerily good at word puzzles, she loved Christmas and Christmas music, when she watched movies she'd always hold her breath if the characters went under water, she once convinced me I was going to go blind because I looked at the scanner with the lid open and I thought she would never stop laughing when she saw how easily I was suckered into the lie, she adopted a black and white cat named Toby and loved him his entire life, and for the rest of her own life after Toby had to be put to sleep she would feel him curl up on her chest as she fell asleep.

One time she took us kids to visit her own parents gravestones and when I saw the vases (the ones that were attached to the tombstone, in a hole upside down until you pulled them out and turned them right side up) I asked her if that was so you could feed the people in the coffins. She thought that was hilarious and it was one of her favorite stories to tell. I'm going to miss her, but we're getting a vase for her gravestone so she won't go hungry. If there's a heaven I know you're there and I know you're at peace your best friend Toby. I love you grandma, I'll miss you.

[CMYK]

I just finalized my decision to leave school a semester early. Weird mix of terror, excitement and sadness. It was so hard telling my best friends and the team that I've devoted 3 years to that I'm cutting out early, but if it didn't happen then, it would have just happened in four more months... Damn I need to find a job...

[BobbyZamora]

I'm angry.

[verilyvert]

Story time.

Been a long week, so I took some time to get out of the house yesterday with my partner, despite the awful rain. Hung around the cobblestones of Gastown, and dripped rainwater on the worn wood floors of the various shops. Stopped by a cobbler to pick up our boots after mending. The owner said we had the exact same wear on our soles and same walk, which he had never seen before (must be sole mates haha). Just last month we were stopped a couple times when visiting Victoria by strangers who wanted to tell us how adorable we look walking side by side with identical gaits. It was nice to hear people say so.

We picked up some new specs for my partner at an eyewear store where one of the SAs was very excited for a date he was about to have. As soon as he left the owner offered a pair of free glasses to anyone in the store who would interrupt the date by barging in and licking the SAs face. One young lady took him up on it and rushed out. A minute later in comes the SA confused and upset describing how he unsuccessfully tried to play off what just happened to his date, but couldn't help having the situation crumble into a million pieces. We all had a good laugh, and later came across the facelicker working in another shop, and got to hear the whole story again.

Saw at the liquor store. Found out from him that Versace had just opened up down the street. Figured we should go check it out.

Arrive at Versace, and get promptly turned away where we are told that the store actually opens tomorrow, and today is a private party. "What do you mean we can't get in?!", we say while angrily clinking our liquor store bags, and stomping in out boots, jeans, and beanies in front of room of formal wear. All of a sudden, a guy comes cruising by us and says "I'm with Versace, let them in", and so we get in. We check our wet heavy coats and liquor and walk into an immaculate room of white and gold and luxury furniture (it was for Versace Home, not Versace clothing). Everyone was very friendly and the waitresses took good care of us making sure we were never without champagne or a selection of appetizers and deserts.

The design of the tableware and furniture was as beautiful as the presentation. I needed to see for myself how it all worked, and unsuccessfully tried to rattle open a few drawers. Our benefactor saw me and offered to show me how luxury furniture functions, lightly pressing self opening panels obscured by their seamless integration into the furniture's design. I thanked him for all he had done for us and asked, "What is your role with Versace?". He answered, "King. How is that for a title?".

I guess we met the King. It was a good day.

Plugs for people/stores/brands, cause I love them.

[station]

I'm sorry this doens't belowng here

[WussWayne]

After pounding ten cans of cider solo and getting up to some drunk shenanigans(solo) on Saturday, I ran across some people from my uni and chilled with them at a bus-stop. Ended up passing out on it and woke up there. I feel sad no one cared. I'm a year behind in my course and don't really socialize well unless I'm drunk and I basically have no friends and I'm pretty sure people assume I'm some dumb,alcoholic antisocial asshole-loser and I guess they're right.

I also feel dumb for taking 6 years to push myself into a doctor's office to get depression/social anxiety meds. Are cognitive abilities linked to that kinda stuff? I feel like the mindless internet browsing and that plus not applying myself at uni has left me more stupid than I was three years ago. In just two weeks of taking prozac and antenex 5 I feel less prone to mood swings,less panic attacks and I don't feel like I'm in a constant stupor and I'm less spaced out. Except for now, I just really feel like shit. Maybe I've always been a brain-dead retard and I'm just coming to terms with it. I don't know if I'll ever get a job in my field(which I'm not even passionate about) as my grades suck and I know no one and my reputation at uni is negative.

My life feels like it's going down the shitter and I can only express myself with the eloquency a ten year old

[zayg]

[freddy]

Damnit you are basically me and a lot of people can attest to my riffraff behaviors and personality. You should seek out some support -- did some wonders for me. Your eloquence is better than me at my worse with my thought disorder. I've open-sourced my feels in my thread which you've seen and commented, meds and therapy do help. And if you're in such described state especially socially-speaking wise, there's nothing to lose, but everything to gain.

Hindsight bias is 20/20 -- Whilst I had a strong social network, they were also patronizing and belittling, which is why I alienated myself from them. Little did they know I was suffering from prodromal schizophrenia/psychotic-induced depression. The resentment for myself is there for not seeking help earlier, but even with such aforementioned friendships (and even family for that matter), you still have some resentment and animosity towards them for the way they treated you too.

[arcticsound]

2014 has been the worst year of my life so far, but I think it's going to be very important in the future. It's been full of lessons and signs and just the fact that I've made it this far is keeping me going. I'm pretty determined to make this all worth it.

[bueno]

i am consciously terrified of proper commitment without really knowing why and i'm not sure if my awareness of it makes me feel better or worse

[tomsfood]

getting lost in thought with someone

[can-]

touchin balls

[harmsalmon]

college apps due in two days

edit: I'm applying early decision to Northwestern, early action to Fordham and Bard, and regular to Boston U, Emerson, DePaul, UC Berkeley, U of Minnesota, U of S. California, Tufts, and Case Western!

(this may seem like an unreasonable amount but I have to audition for most of these so I don't want to be stuck not getting into any)

[harmsalmon]

haha I knew you would do that. honestly after visiting it just became really clear that it wasn't what I was looking for, I mean I want to go to school for theatre and the creative aspect of that takes precedence over the career-oriented aspect for me (I mean its theatre, that probably goes w/o saying) and northeastern had a bit much of a "preprofessional" atmosphere for my taste, you know. we went on the tour and they talked about the co op program and all these study abroad internships at corporate and media giants and the whole time I was just like..... well what is there for me, an acting major, to do?

I didnt learn very much about the theatre program either and then when I went to the theatre offices to see if there was anyone who could show me around and there wasn't :-/
I just have a lot of specific stuff in terms of the performing arts that I want out of the schools I'm applying to and I didn't really want to chance it with a school whose program I couldn't find out hardly anything about

[freddy]

My friend offered to get me started in an entrepreneurial venture come this January, but sadly I told him to hold off until at least the summer because it's a bit too early and I'm still overwhelmed with my own shenanigans. :/

[chilljin]

watching chucklevision and feeling a lot of non chucklebrother related feels

[limeliam]

I forgot my weed in my friends car last night and this morning his mom went to clean it and of course found it. Now he's probably going to get kicked out of his house. I dont know what to do. I fucked up bad and I dont know how to fix it. FUCK.

edit: this is his second time being caught so his rents dont believe a word he (and by extension I) say anymore. If it wasnt clear before we were both smoking in his car and were careless about were everything ended up at the end of the night.

[hamburgerlady]

my list of future purchases for this season in lad is still really really long (and it's not too far now from the new season releasing).
didn't make it to the slowdive concert in chicago.. EDIT: AND Low was opening..
however, halloween turned out to be better than i expected it to be; and now i have a girlfriend and am very happy.
in general i feel really content, although i have a lot to catch up on school-wise. going to keep working at it.

[JewTurk]

I think at least twice a week I end up writing out a really big post for this thread then delete it and honestly it's really nice. I feel way better getting it written out and then I can just forget about it like it never happened.

[brlmski]

is case's theatre program good? i know a 2 freshman theatre majors right now but outside of that i dont know shit since im an engineering major. if you need to know any shit about this place, shoot me a line

[KLF]

im happy w/ my life :')

edit: no i'm not i can't stop farting ;___;

[camping jazz]

i had a very decent halloween. went to see iceage, who put on a great show (i'm bruised all over though). one of the openers was a very good noise act called helm. highly recommend his limited output if you're into that sort of thing.

during down times while i was out i was snapping a girl i'm pretty infatuated with. at some point i suggested that she come out to the city and she didn't really respond to that, though we kept swapping snaps. when it was time to go catch the last train, she hit me with a 'come thru' and we ended up turning up til about 6am.

with all the excitement i was just about on cloud nine all night. hadnt felt that good in a long time, though now i'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that it's november already.