Aeroplane Food

[bels]

Post your ideas for stand up "bits" here.

[bels]

You know if you build something from Ikea and there are some parts left over. If that ever happens to you, at Ikea HQ they turn over an hourglass, and when the last grain of sand flows through it, you die.

[bels]

Whenever I get a new hairdresser, I always ask them what it is about cutting hair that they enjoy. What drew them to the profession. And they all say the same thing: They all say they love it when someone comes in with an idea about how they want their hair cut, and they just fucking ignore it.

[bels]

Anybody noticed that the closer you get to london, the more real life resembles the internet? Like people wear internet clothes, go to internet places, you start seeing celebrities that you've only ever seen on the internet. It's really strange. And the reverse is true of course. The further away you go from london, the less real life resembles the internet. Until if you get past Milton Keynes, you have to actually say to people things like "Have you heard of tumblr?" "Do you know what a Jarvis is?"

[bels]

I met this girl called Esther at the weekend, at the club, so I was talking to her, and then he friend came over and started chatting and it turned out she was called Esther as well. So I'm talking to Esther 1 and Esther 2 and then this other girl, that none of us knew came over and started complimenting Esther 1's bag. But they're all standing around me and suddenly it was like there was no air in the room, I kept taking these huge breaths but it was like I was drowning and I started sweating like crazy. I felt super clammy. I thought I was going to die.

But it just turns out that polyester doesn't breathe.

[bels]

…there is an idea of a Bela Bartok, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can rep your comment and you can see my fit and read the brand list and maybe you can even recognise some of the items themselves: I simply am not there. It is hard for me to make sense on any given level. My comments are fabricated, aberrations. I am a noncontingent care tagger. My look is sketchy and unformed, my need to cop goes deep and is persistent. My coherence, my direction, my mood board disappeared a long time ago (probably at work) if they ever did exist. There are no more grails to obtain. All I have in common with the redditors and /fa/, the igents and the Jarvis teens, all the clothing I have bought and my utter indifference toward it, I have now surpassed. I still, though, hold on to one single bleak truth: no wardrobe is complete, nothing can be improved. Yet I am blameless. Each model of human consumption must be assumed to have some validity. Is clothing something you wear? Or is it something you buy? My need to cop is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better aesthetic for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape. But even after admitting this—and I have countless times, in just about every no cop I’ve broken—and coming face-to-face with these truths, there is no catharsis. I gain no deeper knowledge about myself, no new understanding can be extracted from my purchases. There has been no reason for me to buy any of this. This collection has meant nothing….”

[bels]

What do you call a female fashion designer who can rotate her head 280 degrees and is "inspired by authenticity" ?

[bels]

I really like some of the stuff Chitose Abe has been doing lately.

[bels]

You guys like Klean Kanteens? Yeah? Yeah I bet you do. That guy over there in the big jumper I KNOW he does. What's the deal with Klean Kanteens though anyway? I feel like if you see someone take a flask out of a backpack, people think "Wow that guy is cheap, he won't even buy bottled water."

But if you take KLEAN KANTEEN out of a TOTE BAG, people are like "OMG that guy is RICH. He spent THIRTY POUNDS on a BOTTLE instead of just buying bottled water?"

It only works if you have a tote bag though, it's true, it's true I know! Right?

[bels]

We got any millenials in the house tonight?

*scattered cheering*

A few, a few, I expected more but maybe they didn't hear the question because they're on their phones right now. They're probably live tweeting this or something. They're probably trying to work out which is the best 4 seconds of the show so they can gif it. Right? I'm kidding, I mean I'm serious but it's from a place of love, you know? I mean I'm a millenial, technically. I was born in '86 so I'm pretty vanguard millenial. i wish I was born a bit earlier though. Like I was so nearly a Gen Xer. I wish I was a Gen Xer. Generation X was so cool. I mean the name is a lot cooler. It sounds like a punk band, whereas millenial sounds like a really weak space romance for fourteen year olds.

But I mean the coolest thing about being in Generation X was that like, it was so easy to get a fucking job you enjoy that it was considered cool to drop out and work in a coffee shop. Gen Xers were like "Yeah I'm working at this coffee shop to give my sculpture career some time to take off". But millenials are like "You got a job in a coffee shop? Holy shit are they hiring?"

Ah I mean there's some perks to being a millenial though, don't get me wrong there are some perks. Like aside from being able to blame all our problems on our parents, there are other perks. Like when you're a millenial, there is always a space you can go to where people will say that you're right. Like no matter what you're into. Are you into raw food veganism? Tote bags? Brunch? Yoga? Of course you are, you're a fucking millenial, right?

No but I mean whatever you're into or whatever you believe, if anyone says that those things are lame and hurts your feelings, you can just go to your tumblr community or your twitter space or medium.com and find a bunch of people who agree with you, right? It's awesome. I never need to examine my views because no matter what they are there is always a safe space of people who will tell me I'm right! I love it. I love it nearly as much as I love avocados and exposed brickwork. Right? Fucking millenials...

[bels]

I've been hearing a lot of stuff about Supreme lately. You guys like Supreme? Yeah? A thirteen year old told me that Supreme is dead because only eleven year olds wear it now.

[bels]

I guess the bees are dying. All the pollinators really. Bees, wasps, butterflies, regular flies. I assume flies and wasps aren't that badly effected though. You can guarantee that if something is going extinct it's something cute and if something is currently thriving, in the final days of earth, it's something disgusting. Flies, cockroaches, rats, pigeons, seagulls. None of them going extinct any time soon. And obviously there's nothing inherently monstrous about the above but it's probably not a coincidence that any animal that's managed to coexist with or benefit from mankind is considered undesirable to mankind. And conversely if it's going extinct it's probably cute or at least interesting. In fact probably the only undesirable, not cute creature that's going extinct is humans. Because of the bees dying out. Amongst other things.

The fucking bees dying out. It's bad but at least when we're driven from our homes by mobs and we're forced to scavenge through the ruins of society to find something edible. When we do find some morsel of edible matter, some expired can of something. We'll smash it open where we stand and gulp it down outside, in the open air. At least there won't be any wasps around to ruin the experience. I don't know if you remember what like about fifteen years ago, but it was a nightmare trying to have a picnic. It could be a really nice day but as soon as you got the food out you'd be surrounded by bees and wasps and flies. Everyone used to say oh just stand still they'll fly away. If you tried all fresco dining in the nineties you spent most of your time trying not to move, waiting for a wasp to fly away and praying it didn't sting you. We,re in a golden age for outdoor dining right now. When there are no pollinators around, but man hasn't turned on man for the right to eat the last tomato. The only thing you have to worry about right now is that if you eat outside in the evening you'll get bitten by mosquitos. But they won't be going anywhere. Like I said. Undesirable things thrive in the anthropocene. Undesirable people even, seem to thrive. It's got to the point where all my pension investments are just based around evil. I only invest in weapons manufacturers and companies that drill for oil using dangerous chemicals. I was trying to pick a fund with a lot of investments in Russia, because Russia seems pretty bad with all the annexing and the support for brutal regimes and the dictatorship and everything. So I thought I better get in on the ground floor and there was a couple of different funds to pick from, and instead of going through their fact sheets and checking past performance or possible yield whatever I just looked up pictures of the people who ran the funds and picked the most evil, soulless, corrupt looking one. Which is totally superficial. Which is pretty bad in itself. So I'll probably become successful pretty soon.

I don't think I have a very positive world view overall. We all do our best to get by. But in general I don't really think being alive is very great. I doubt I'm alone in this but it's not really something you're allowed to talk about. When I say something like "life isn't very great is it? " People just look a me in confusion. "Why would you think life is bad? Do you not do yoga and meditate and eat a lot of kale and stay hydrated?" And I do all of those things. Like you wouldn't believe but honestly. I just don't think life is very great. People get defensive when I start talking like this. They say "well if you hate being alive so much why don't you just kill yourself?" And I think they honestly wish I would. Just to get me out of their hair. But the fact is since I started taking anti depressants I don't really feel like killing myself anymore. There was a long period of my life. Probably about... Twenty five years, when I thought about killing myself in the same way people think about the items on their bucket list. Sort of things they really want to get round to, but it's just never the right time. That's how I felt about killing myself. It was this project that I needed to get round to, that I really wanted to do but things kept getting in the way! In the same way people will want to write a book, but they don't get round to it. Or they want to cycle round the world. But in the end they're too scared to really just do it. That's what it was like. Like I really wanted to be dead but killing myself...I would just put it off.

I guess in hindsight I found it so hard to kill myself because I was depressed. It's really hard to be effective with any project when you're depressed. it would just be in the back of my head. like ah I really need to get around to killing myself but right now I think I'll just lie in bed staring at the ceiling for 40 minutes. Or I would think ah I really need tu get round to killimg myself but it seems so overwhelming. Like how do I do it, what's good, what's not, what's a hot way to die, what's painless way. Is there a way where I won't have to spend like fifteen minutes hallucinating before I go? It was just this huge, overwhelming project. Sometimes, when I was vaguely functional I would think maybe I can make a start. People say it's easy when you make a start. So I'd go on the internet and order a rope or something. You ever notice with these projects the easiest part is always buying something? Like people are always buying new notebooks for their novels they never write, or fancy bikes for the trips they never go on. Buying things is always the easy part. So I would always be buying something to help me kill myself, but then I'd lose interest in the project. And it was like I'd have this voice in the back of my head, sort of nagging, like "well you better get round to killing yourself soon." Kind of like with some chore that you keep putting off. Like "I really need to tidy my wardrobe." But it would be "I really need to test if the bar in my wardrobe is strong enough to hang myself off"

But then I started taking anti depressants and let me tell you: the voice stopped! That's how I know I was depressed! I used to constantly think about killing myself but now I don't. And in a way it's totally amazing. That I take this pill and I'm basically the same, but I don't have the same attitude towards repainting the landing as I do to throwing myself off a cliff. Just basically the same, except no more feeling like suicide is a long trip I keep putting off. That and my dick doesnt work anymore. I mean it works, I just sort of can't feel anything. It's kind of numb I guess. But it does whatever is required of it just a bit slower sometimes. But I mean that's not so bad. Like it's hard to come sometimes but it's probably harder to come when you're dead