by freddy » Wed Oct 26, 2016 6:23 pm
Let’s talk medication and cognition. Sometimes I read online where people say, “take your meds”. I now, for the most part, take my medication now and it works for the most part. However, contrary to belief, medication is not an end-all and be-all solution to the symptoms of mental illness, particularly for the cognition of those with schizophrenia. From what I’ve learned so far in my cognitive enhancement therapy educational group session is that I have a disorganized learning style. It’s difficult for me to response to the gist of things, because a million other internal and external stimuli, from thoughts to environmental distractions. Oftentimes, I already know the gist of a conversation or what I need to say, but my other thoughts derail me in the moment. This is why IRL social interactions can be difficult when my assortment of semi-related/unrelated thoughts are competing for my attention.
Much of the lack of my ability to concentrate/focus translates into the impatience to proofread my writing. It’s also difficult to untangle my prose if it stems from my disorganized thoughts, especially if I am disorganized in the moment. As a result, much of my work, especially my earlier writing, is not just a stream of consciousness, but a disorganized stream of consciousness. However if need be to communicate, I tend to do a lot better speaking verbally when I am able to lead the conversation. As a compensatory method, I stay up late at night so the distractions during the day are minimized in the environment background. The night is my time to get into a “flow” state and try to overcome the all-over-the-place attention that I have.
Now, because medication doesn’t target too much of the cognitive areas of the brain, I must put in the effort in my CET so I can rewire, strengthen, and form new neural networks. I have to do computerized training that requires certain domains of cognition, so I can do it in a specific environment where it’s safe and dynamically adjusts the intensity of my training. This shit is hard. And it’s hard to shut the f up when I appropriately need be online or IRL. I’m driven by distraction, but in the 30-minutes a week that I do my game and the 1.5hr that I participate in my group, it’s when I make the most progress during the week of unstructured day-to-day life of undirected activities and hobbies. But I’m not in psychosis anymore, and I have more self-awareness, agency, and cognitive control to fight the good fight internally within.
It’s a trade-off to have a “disorganized” profile as a schizophrenic. I’ve read other schizophrenic people’s writing and they have lucid, succinct, and good prose. However, they write about facing other symptoms that have little to no bearing on me. (Hallucinations, reality distortion, etc.) I feel that I have a good sense of reality. But often more than not, my internal thoughts and distractions, put me in a difficult position of voluntarily isolating from other people, and not being as social as I can be – despite being able to socialize whenever and whenever as needed. Because I feel stuck where my cognition impedes in my ability to engage in schoolwork effectively or have the patience or motivation to work, I feel as if I am squandering my emerging adulthood. Though, it’s not to say that I’m not trying my hardest on my recovery, it’s just that the results will take time, considering the CET is an 18-month commitment.
And after much reflecting as to “why” I enjoy and have the passion the play poker, I have made some speculative conclusions. One, it’s a game with a lot of complexity and variability, which is great for my need for a lot of ongoing stimulus. Two, when I need to make a decision, I am allowed to make it however long I can until the clock runs out, if need be; I am in charge of the decision. Third, I can leave and join the game whenever I want to, at my own leisure, especially once I discard my cards, so if it gets cognitively too much, I can adjust. Four, every round, with a new hand, is an essentially a new game, so I get a mental break, unlike a game like Settlers of Catan or Monopoly that is play continuously over a long duration. Five, it’s a game played in solitude with other people at any time if there is an open seat (for cash games. If I leave Monopoly the game, the game continues, and my opponent is going to rekt me passing go and collecting $200 if I’m not there. As you can see, the malleability of the game, works with my cognition and the fact that I like to think. And the liking and passion of the game puts me into that “flow” state where I can compensate by picking-up myself from the bootstraps every time and attempt again when I fall because of my cognition.
While it can seem to others that I may not be doing much, for the time being poker, CET, and bumming around is keeping me cognitively busy. Perhaps I’ll do a lot more once I “beat” these computerized games, so I can accomplish more IRL.