Feelings

[fun_yunchables]

really crushing hard on this girl but she’s still getting over her ex

cue 2046 tony ‘love is all a matter of timing’ leung

[CheerUpBrokeBoy]

because of covid i got furloughed from my job and i have no idea of when i'll see my girlfriend again :-)

[hharrissonn]

How is everyone?

I lost my job and I’ve been sitting around my house and having an existential crisis (like actually) and have played around 140 hours of Animal Crossing. I have a long distance boyfriend and that was already an interesting situation before all this shit and I’ve been like hyper aware of my own flaws and super self conscious lately (or like most of my life but it comes in waves) so that’s been adding tension which is fully something I’m in control of and actively working on but like shit I wasted so much time. I’m trying to like do pushups and eat more and gain weight and shit. I’ve been in LA for like 2 years and have lost like 50 lbs in a way I don’t like and I don’t even do real drugs lol. I might move back to the east coast after travel restrictions are lifted but it sucks to do that in terms that aren’t really my own.

I’m thinking about going back to school for library science. I’m thinking about moving to Palm Springs. I’m thinking about staying here until I can’t anymore. I’m thinking about moving to South Carolina. I’m thinking about going to art school. I’m thinking about acting more on impulse. I’m thinking about trying to be more honest with myself and other people. I’m thinking about setting routines and sticking to them. I’m thinking about what a year really feels like and what five years really feels like and what does it feel like to be really unattached and what does it feel like to be really secure and when is appropriate for you to stop punishing yourself for wasting time and actually stop wasting time?

It’s really interesting to me that this is the forum I can be most honest on. It’s by far the least connected to my life outside the internet but I don’t know if it’s really fair to call them two separate things. I deleted Twitter and Instagram from my phone a couple days ago and am trying to stay off for at least a week. I kind of don’t think I have been interacting with those platforms lately in ways that are healthy or like normal. I’m interested to see how much of this sticks a few weeks from now. I don’t feel like I’m having a breakdown, I just don’t think I’m realizing this stuff for no reason and I can’t really articulate why in a way that I think makes sense. Quarter life crisis compounded with isolation and anxiety? Probably that but like I’m not exactly sad just distant from the vision of myself in my head. It’s about bridging the gap. It’s hard for me to post this stuff because I reread it before I press submit and hear it in my own voice and it sounds so fake and contrived but like I guess that’s part of my problem.

I hope you’re well!!

[rjbman]

sorry to hear about your job loss. sounds like you're going through a lot. that's okay! i still have those crisis days every once in a while (at the ripe old age of 26).

find a new hobby (sounds like you've started exercising, that counts!). break out of what you feel is your current mold. sounds like you've got a ton of options for that!

join the mastodon instead of twitter (swear i'm not just shilling) - it's like twitter but if there were only 5 users and they posted like once a week

and it's okay to have down days. lord knows covid has caused a lot of us to have them. do you have someone you can talk to? friend, therapist? internet is good for venting but it's harder to have real-time emotional conversations over it

[CheerUpBrokeBoy]

[zevolution]

Was going to reply to this in PM but wanted to see if anyone else on public view had something to add. And feel free to PM if you feel like it.

My brother went through something very similar in the past year. He took it upon himself to be his ex's rock and main source of support during a period of great pain for her and ended up making himself and the trauma that his ex felt inseparable in her mind. I, myself, have some experience trying to *be* a significant other's recovery from a mental health issue as well. I found that keeping a close emotional proximity to another's pain, especially in a long-distance relationship, can be very laborious. I'm not sure how it works, but what people call "trauma bonding" is a real thing in some sense.

So it feels terrible to hear that someone who is dear to you got hurt. And if you're like me, you really could go without another reason to be lonely in These Uncertain Times. If I have some advice that I've gleaned from my own personal experience, it would be that framing any change to come from this new development as a "slow, awkward death" would be unfair to your efforts and intentions as a lover (which i'm assuming are probably good-faith). What is definitely happening is a qualitative change in your relations to one another but just because a change happens doesn't mean you are faced with a worst-case scenario or a romantic tragedy.

In some ways this might not be the reply you asked for because I can't tell you the odds of "coming back" or drifting apart, but I feel like I can be of some use if I let you know that not all distance is bad. I think that holding some space open for someone who you love can be an act of great dedication, respect, and maturity, even if it feels counterintuitive. If you can act in a way that you feel meets your standards nd reflects your feelings toward your girlfriend during this difficult time for the both of you, the chances are that the future of your relationship will be something you can sit with and accept.

[CheerUpBrokeBoy]

that's such a fair, even-handed and mature way of looking at it and i thank you for your response. won't PM because i welcome other people's input as well

the more i re-read her explanation of her decision the more i understand it – i guess in a way i'm another person in her life she feels a need to please by meeting expectations she can't right now, and she needs some time to focus her energy on herself to feel better. i get that, but like you said the last thing i need at this point is more loneliness. the fact that i'm also furloughed from my job with no end date in sight is also not good – it means my job and my relationship are in the exact same situation. it's an uncertain, scary situation i'm sure a lot of people are in right now.

the more i sit and evaluate the situation the more optimistic i am – if i feel as strongly for her as i do, it's because i feel it reciprocated in her and it means that the relationship means enough not to just fizzle out like i sometimes fear it might. what i can't handle is not knowing about the trauma and anxiety she's felt these past two months. I just learned about so much the past week and i'm still trying to come to terms with how i had no idea she was dealing with it. even if the best-case scenario happens and she's feeling like she's in a place to get back into the relationship, i still feel like i'm facing a minefield: i don't want to place undue pressure on her or exacerbate negative emotions from what she's going through, but at the same time i need her to be honest because i don't know if i can trust her after she hid something so serious from me for so long.

[UnwashedMolasses]

Can't really get too detailed because we're mostly talking in vague terms but in this situation I think her intent behind not discussing it is important. If she didn't talk about it with you because she thought that doing so would negatively impact the relationship more than hiding it, it would mean that misguided or not, she is taking actions with the preservation of the relationship in mind.

As far as the minefield goes, you're absolutely justified in feeling that there's a breach of trust, regardless of the reasons for that breach. Trust is something that has to be built slow and slow but breaks real quick. It may come down to an assessment of the emotional health of both of you involved. If you think you're in a secure-enough place personally that you can wait and help her get back to a solid place, and begin re-building the trust at that point, I think you're golden. If you're in a less solid place with regard to your own emotional health you may have to do some soul-searching, cause everyone deserves happiness, and if you can't continue with the relationship while that breach of trust exists, you may want to assess what will make you more happy long-term. I find that a lot of the time this kind of stuff has to be literally felt out.

As far as the general loneliness stuff goes, feel free to reach out if you just need someone to talk to. I've dealt with almost everything you can deal with as far as relationships are concerned (been with the same person for 11 years) and I owe you from way back for introducing me to chapo and starting my journey left.

[brlmski]

i wish i were better at verbalizing when/why i’m upset to people closer to me without being an emotional labor vacuum

i also wish i didn’t feel like a burden every time i ask those people for something

[106-2]

I think I've got a long way to go in really resolving this personally, but one thing I think has helped me is trying to be as clear as possible about what I'm actually asking of someone when I do choose to reach out to them limit the chance of overburdening anyone (or at least feeling that way). It's also made me begin to internalise that many of my friends are willing to perform the labour I need of them because of their responses when I actually frame the conversation in this way.

Kind of separate but I think the whole discourse surrounding 'emotional labour' to be really toxic in a lot of ways - it's totally a valuable way of analysing our relationships but I feel it misses nuance a LOT. It's sort of sad/telling that it's migrated from discussion unpaid labour in the workplace to our personal relationships imo

[mooncorp]

agree on 'emotional labour' feeling un-nuanced and toxic - it's really a matter of how well people are aware of personal needs/boundaries and maintaining the right balance of selfishness and selflessness to not compromise their own needs. emotional work is work for sure, but in my opinion one of the most important kinds of work. for yourself, for the ones you love, for humans collectively to heal the pain and suffering that exists in the world. at least that's the cause i'm championing now

in the past month and a half i've started to really understand and reconcile the emotional pain i had been holding onto and unintentionally putting onto others, and once i was honest with myself about that i could start truly/fully committing to self-love and self-compassion. since then, i've developed much healthier attitudes towards dealing with emotions and life in general, and i feel so much more capable of giving myself to the needs of others.

i saw this in action the other day, when my good friend withdrew from me and i reached out and she opened up to me and i couldn't do anything for several hours but dedicate myself completely to her needs and think about her position and very carefully compose a long message that i hope she'll come back to and read over and over again, the way someone special in my life did for me many times over.

recent realizations - it's not a bad thing to be needy, everyone has needs and deserves attention. my home is in other people, people who feel as safe as alone or safer than alone. to be vulnerable and be treated with true love is a pure joy and a gift, that's what family means to me and that's the kind of love i want to replicate for others.

if the important relationships in your life don't feel like this, give it some thought as to why. evaluate your relationship with yourself, their relationship with themselves, and how these energies are interacting.

i've been writing a lot, journalling and poetry - writing about my experiences has been so insanely helpful, to transform any negative energy into creative energy and find meaning in all that happens to me.

[brlmski]

i think one of the problems for me is that i’m not great at progressing friendships from casual friends to the stage where i’m comfortable sharing my problems with people, probably due to a combination of trust issues, anxiety about rejection, and just plain inexperience so i feel like i overburden then few friends i am that comfortable with.

[106-2]

I relate to this heavily - one way I've tried to quell those anxieties is to consider the qualities I bring to the relationship as a result of those difficulties: every relationship is two-way and you're always going to come to perceive yourself as a drain if you ignore everything you bring to a friendship. I have really really few close friends, and am therefore more heavily reliant on a relatively small number of people, but as a result of this closer circle, I'm able to be far more attentive to each one of my friends/give them the time they need as/when they need it. For me this definitely made me consider how healthy having such intense friendships is, and work to address that where I felt it became unhealthy, but equally coming to the realisation that being in a smaller group is just how I'm comfortable allowed to affirm that as a positive aspect of my life and not something I'm passive in.

[brlmski]

it's always the response to you calling them out on their transgressions that really shatter friendships

[CheerUpBrokeBoy]

overshared

[alby]

not gone through an experience like this before but phrasing things in a way that is more conservative rather than combative worked when my gf was talking to me about my smoking habits. things like, "do you have long term plans to do this?", "what benefits do you gain from this?", "do you think there are any alternatives?". obviously blow is different from smoking cigs but maybe this will be helpful. at the end of the day the most important thing to do is come from a place of love

[can-]

is there a a care teen communist club or dsa chapter or something

[surfdude69]

i'll tell you one thing for free. it is fucking hard to be motivated to trawl through indeed/reed/totaljobs/etc and try to make yourself sound interesting on a cover letter when you've been staring at Microsoft Excel and drinking vending machine coffee for 8 hours a day