Feelings

[harmsalmon]

directing a play that I wrote at my school (smiling)

got wait listed for the two schools I felt I had a good chance at being accepted to :(

[omgimacarrot]

Settling into my first full-time job. I really do love what I do and as a bonus I get paid/have healthcare (smiling)

I don't tell anyone in real life about this, but my suicidal thoughts get worse every day. I was seeing a therapist throughout college and everything was manageable. Most of the thoughts went away; I was thinking things were looking up. But even with all these people around me, I still feel alone; its like I don't truly believe they actually care. If I'm driving home from work, I often think about a train just hitting my car (I pass a couple train tracks). Or just leaving everything, go in the middle of no where, and off myself. Honestly, I don't think I ever could; I don't have the balls. But I'm scared for that day when I just break. Yes, this is quite the contrast from my first sentence, but I think this is a glimpse into my daily life. Everyone thinks I'm this well-rounded person who has everything together, and I have no idea why they think that. What's worse? I hate myself because I think I'm going to die alone. Everyone always tells me at work how nicely dressed I am or other compliments on my appearance, and I can't even accept those anymore without thinking they have an ulterior motive. Anyways, at this point I think I'm just venting.

[birdman caw]

Tell someone in real life about this. I was in a very similar position a little over a year ago and I opened up to a friend and while it was incredibly painful, it let me step back and see these feeling for what they were and begin the process of managing them (with and without therapy).

[Suquida]

Antidepressants seem to be working, I'm actually out by myself quite often now. Started my internship in the biomed lab at the hospital, absolutely love it, got there early and fixed transfusion pumps before the guy I shadow even arrived, he got there and was super happy, everyone in the lab seems to really like me. Even doing the most seemingly inane shit is fun to me, so I figure I've really found what I wanna do in life. Really like the hospital environment, which is weird because in the past even being in a hospital made me nauseous. Now all I want to do is be there as often as I can.

Kinda starting to get over the last relationship and being cheated on now, self confidence is going up and I'm feeling better about myself. Recent validation from girls sure is helping with that B) Gonna take a while before I stop going into slumps about it and am fully over it, but whatever, progress is progress. No longer gonna perform any mental gymnastics to convince myself somebody is a good person when they clearly aren't!

This thread is like going to confession and I love it

[BobbyZamora]

all will pass

[schiaparelli]

you are (probably) depressed. it happens to a lot of people. it happened to me. do you have therapy? have you seen a psychiatrist to look into medication? if you've tried either and they didn't seem to help, can you try again? can you try again in a different way (switch therapists, psychiatrists, medication, something)?

can you consider looking into things that will help with your physical help? the mind-body loop is very real. how regular is your sleep schedule? how regular is your eating schedule? do you have any small amount of exercise?

what does your mental landscape look like? what brings you down? what alleviates the misery? can you control your mental landscape and the things that affect you? do you need help with that?

i really worry for you. you are carrying a lot of weight and it is beyond what you can comfortably bear. putting yourself in dangerous situations doesn't sound good. if you aren't taking small steps to do better (doing better leads to feeling better, not the other way around), can you start? if those small steps are hard, can you find a support system to keep you going?

i hope i don't sound like a jerk about this, but i think the nature of this thread is that people frequently confess and open up about the really rough times in life. and i really, really feel for you guys, and i've been there too, and it was too much to bear, and it was a small comfort (and one that i was very grateful for) to be able to say it all and get it out of my head and not keep the feelings of depression and suicide and despair and whatever locked up inside.

but it's not enough to admit it and say it. it really sucks sometimes bc i have a friend who's been stuck in the depressive cycle for a year now and it doesn't get better, and it doesn't get better for her because it's not enough to just know your feelings. you have to act on them, you have to do therapy or medication. what i fear the most is that you guys are gonna wallow in this state for too long, and the longer you're in it the more you forget what it's like to have a clear mind, to wake up in the morning with a feeling of generous optimism, to have unshakeable faith in yourself and in what you can do.

i was originally writing this for but i guess i'm kind of responding to this general pattern in this thread, where a lot of posts are hitting a little too close to home, because they remind me of what i felt like a year or two years ago with hoping/wishing that a freak accident would lead to a horrible car crash death so i wouldn't have to take responsibility for making that decision for myself, or watching the days go by from this shell where i'd retreated from my social life and seeing my life degrade more and more, and so many other things. and i really wish that, whenever an irl friend or an online friend opens up about this stuff, that i can somehow fix what's going on bc i've been there and now i know, theoretically, the steps that need to happen, but i can't do that. everyone experiences their struggle differently.

but i really want you guys to all hit the point of the struggle where you start seeking help and finding ways to take small steps to get better faster. like now? today? it's really hard when you're tired and your life is beating you down and you're trapped in the castle of your mind that won't let you escape the feeling of failure or misery or monotony or unimportance or incapability, but it's really worth it to try. it sucks that it is not easy. but i think that peace of mind and an optimistic serenity are really worth continuing to try, and it's hard to tell but all the down points of your life—like this one—could just be a lull in the grand scheme of everything that can happen and will happen.

i realized at some point that i could get myself out of all my low points and what happened after made the effort and strain worthwhile. doing it once—the first time—was amazing. it's a valuable thing to know, how to pick yourself up and look forward again, and feel happy about what is to come.

[freddy]

speaking of mental health, after moving back home and getting kicked our sometime before Christmas (it was premeditated in a way because i'd qualify for more services in the long-run..), i'm in a mental health "homeless" shelter now, and it's pretty neat (it's more comfortable than what you would think of a free-for-all lottery-based shelter, so I'm grateful). I like it here despite its up and downs, people are cool and its great to be a community where everyone struggles with there own MH issues so you don't feel alone. I like to think of it like this particular section of feeltalk. I'm also in a CBT partial hospitalization program which helps but is very intensive. I swear my life takes me all over the place. mental health is important, i encourage everyone to resolve and get what they need to do get help if you feel disconnected and dis-synchronized with the world at large. sometimes the journey to find the willpower and insight about your issues can take a while, but you'll be glad that you did in hindsight when you look back!

[arcticsound]

Does anyone have advice for dealing with self-esteem and motivation issues? I've been roughed up by life stuff and bad luck over the last year or so and I'm feeling pretty useless. Combined with my usual depression and anxiety issues it doesn't even feel like it's possible to put shit back together. I'm almost not even up to trying to fix stuff at this point.

Wish there was like a private board for stuff like this.

[arcticsound]

I agree that it sounds like you're depressed. It's a really difficult thing to deal with, but the fact that you can admit that there's something wrong is a huge step.

I might not be the best person to be giving advice after my last post, but I know how you're feeling. I deal with seasonal depression/anxiety of varying intensity every winter, and it's always the worst at the beginning when I'm still in denial that it's happening. It gets harder and harder to get out of bed, take care of myself/my home, and worst of all, go out with friends. I always tell myself that I've just caught a cold or something because facing the fact that I have to force myself to do these things is very hard. It's important to keep a mindset that life is worth working for and that you're strong enough to handle things, otherwise you'll just dig yourself deeper into the depression with the mental loops that you're already familiar with.

I promise you that you are resilient enough to deal with this too. Humans get themselves into some really fucked up situations and more often then not, they find a way to work it out. Remember, your depression is more afraid afraid of you than you are of it You'll rediscover your passion eventually.

[hig]

EDIT: everything has been resolved!

[smass]

I applied to a job and got a phone interview like 2 days later.....the next day I come back from class and my roommate tells me she applied to the same place but a different location. She wrote her resume in a half hour and didn't have it looked over by anyone. Meanwhile it took me like 2 weeks and I had 3 people look at it to make sure it was okay. The point is she only applied for a job because I did. Does stuff like this annoy anyone else? Why am I so bothered by this? She can't do anything on her own and I hate being that person she follows. She probably won't get the job anyway cause because she has 0 retail experience but still, it's not fair. I put in three times the effort she does, but she still somehow manages to get what she wants.

[ramseames]

[maj]

While it's annoying when people get a perceived easy ride, the fact she applied to a different location says more about this than the effort put in. At the end of the day would you be happier at a branch which expects a Lot from its employees or be at one which is lax in hiring requirements and interviewing? From your prep id presume the former. Yeah it's not cool when you're doing all this work and others are breezing, but you're not on the same life course and chances are after college or before you'll never see her again so why get hung up on it. Put the effort into something constructive and push it out of your mind.

[evilfriends]

ah shit.

our new neighbours just introduced themselves and told us they are going to build their house right next to us. for 13 years I've been living in this small village (around 2000 people live here, very small) in a nice house with my parents, basically spent my entire youth up until now here. we've always had neighbours, but only to one side of the house. When I look out of my window I have a breathtaking view of a beatiful scenery, and ever since I was a child whenever I had problems or felt bad i looked outside that window and felt a little better. now that's exactly where the neighbours will build their house, and it's even 1 story taller than our house...

can't blame them of course, they saw a beautiful property and had the money to make it theirs. now my parents pretty much decided to move to the city (25.000 people living in the city, still small haha). my father loves our garden and he built everything himself, so I bet it hurts him to consider selling it. this is the village I went to school in and where all my friends live... I probably would've had to leave either way in the next years because of university, but it sucks that my parents now want to leave too because I very much consider this place my "home". with another house next to us instead of awesome scenery I would only see another window, our garden would have no privacy at all, we'd barely get any sun at all.

this problem is probably highly unrelatable for people who live in the city or move often :D but I'm so connected to this place that it hurts to think about leaving. this sucks

sorry if this in uncomprehensible, just trying to write down my thoughts

[Prince of Scandinavia]

So the tumblr/tinder girl I've been writing a few posts about: It's going great. We've been together a lot and she has spent the night at my place 7-8 times. I got to meet her friends at a party this friday and they were all so enthusiastic about meeting me (a bit caused by the alcohol but hey!) and all her girlfriends keep writing her saying she's lucky. Things are going great and we're having fun and she'll be coming home to meet my family in little under a month for a birthday. I haven't met her family yet though. I'm really happy about the whole thing and about her. She tells me anything even though it's really private or not a topic someone would bring up. But still when we were walking home from the party this friday, she was slurring and quite drunk sad. She said she was confused about why I liked her and that she wasn't perfect, because she has been bulimic and anorexic for some time and that she's insecure about herself because everyone she's been with has dumped her and has been shit to her. Which confuses me because she's drop dead gorgeous, in great shape, funny, smart and really caring about anyone she knows. She said she's a bit scared to take things further, because she's afraid I'm going to fuck and dump her, which I can understand from her past boyfriends. I don't get why she wouldn't have said that she was bulimic and anorexic, when she has told me things about her that I find way more personal/worse. She's in great shape, with a bit to feel but it doesn't bother me at all and I keep telling her that and try to show her that, but I don't seem to make it clear to her. I've been anorexic myself and know how it feels, but even when trying to share my thoughts and experiences and what I've been through, she doesn't seem to take it.

[Bryan]

ya boy back with more shitty shit from my life its not flaxy flaxsisters

Sooooooooo i met another girl off tinder, tall pretty model w/e and we had a great time walking around soho n shit for several hours. We hop on the shrubway and we're holding each other while we're waiting for her train and just as it arrives she kisses me n we part ways. But since that day the communication has been so shitty, she told me today that she's been feeling weird and it started to really hit her after our date, and she just needs time to chill out. So basically das it mane, thought i was gonna get into something good with a girl i felt so open and good with and down the drain it goes. I just have the worst of luck when it comes to women smfh flaxsisters and that shit really just chops away at what's left of my self esteem, which also happens to be ruining my life since i think i look absolutely disgusting.

Hold me care flaxsisters.

[bels]

It's been pointed out that the only thing in my life where I have a headstrong, yolo, carpe diem, no compromises, you do you imma do me attitude is aesthetics aka sniping 90s grams off ebay.

[brlmski]

medical bills cost a lot

[mc-lunar]

Bela I hope you understand this means you need to start treating asking out people and other scary things like copping a sick piece

"you'd look great pressed up against this hidden placket shirt (or any of my other 6 they're all the same)"

[Yoder]

just act like you're actually picking up 90s grams.

"you'd look great in maggie howell and think of the handicap parking benefits if we started dating"

[silvaeri]

I'm having a really tough time with school right now. Like it's really hard to feel motivated about finishing. I have a totally disinterest right now and not my usually oh school sucks and is boring and stuff but I'll at least do it. But like I feel super overwhelmed and like depressed about it but I don't think I'm depressed because I can be interested in other stuff and I don't spend all day in bed or anything (though that sounds really fucking awesome right now) and just want to be graduated and done and working or something. I just feel like I can't do it anymore but I'm fucking like 7 weeks away from the end of my last semester, and I just don't fucking know. I feel like shit and a little worthless and fuck.

[freddy]

Jesus Christ it's been so long and I can't get this particular girl out of my head -- literally everytime someone referes to something Jewish, I think of her. She's in my dreams too. But it's been so long, and going to be hard as hell to start something BC I didn't cop her number and spark things up and she doesn't work there anymore...I'm getting extremely dysregulated thinking about it ://

[mahi-mahi]

I'm gonna tell you guys something. Something I need to hear a lot, and I say this because I'm sure you guys would say this to me: Everything will be ok. I Love You.

[Prince of Scandinavia]

I'm going to visit Ann's (tinder girl) family on saturday. I'm fucking excited and a bit nervous too. But can't wait!

[zayg]

ugh so unbelievably tired and drained and i'm sure you all know how much of a bummer that feeling can be

[BobbyZamora]

I wonder if she ever checks my facebook.

I wonder if she even realizes she's still subscribed to my tumblr.

Probably not.

[bels]

The sudden crushing realisation that you made a terrible decision years ago.

[aeieie]

moving to rural japan tomorrow for exchange and I'm scared cause my japanese is so shit and first time facing ~adult lyf~ in a foreign country is daunting

[Cowboy]

Whenever you see someone pan up and down your outfit slowly and can't keep the "I'm judging you, and not judging you well" look off their face.

[zayg]

first upcoming life goal is to graduate college

second upcoming life goal is to find a job related to what i'm going to school for

third, and probably most important, is to find a way out of that job and the field i went to school for

ugh