by odradek » Mon Dec 15, 2014 3:38 pm
I didn't go the gym this morning. My foot hurt a little bit and if I've learned anything, it's don't push it when something feels wrong. It didn't help that I went to bed at 1 last night coming back from a date.
I met her in a bar. I showed up first, told the bartender to make sure I'm charming as hell, and then I was charming as hell. I walked her back to her place. With 100% honesty, I asked if I could go up to her apartment 'cuz I had to use the bathroom. Over the course of the date she'd, despite being an interesting person with interesting ideas and convictions and tastes, had built herself as a sort of high-stress, flightly, constantly-second-guessing type person so I felt a little bad asking if I could go up. Guy you don't really know, in your apartment, whatever.
"This is kind of weird, but ok," she says. "This is kind of weird, right?" I heard that a lot over the next little period.
She opens the door and out pops her guard chihuahua, Wiggles (no Mr. or Mrs.), a hyperkinetic whirl of canine energy. He runs and bonks into the door across the hall, head first. "He usually just growls and tries to bite new people," she said.
I finish in the bathroom and am prepared to say goodnight and head home, but she's sitting on the couch. Watching Snakes On A Plane. Wiggles jumps up on the couch next to her and she says "Oh, he took your spot." and pushes him off. I guess I'm staying?
We talk a little bit more, then we start making out. Wiggles starts nipping at my shoes and the hem of my pants. "My god," I'm thinking. "So help me Wiggles if you rip these UU joints..." I'm doing triple duty making out with this girl, getting her bra off and shaking my leg around trying to get the chihuahua off my leg without letting her know that her dog has locked himself into the sole of my shoe. He removes the shoe. He removes some of the sock. She looks at Wiggles disappointingly and suggests we move to the bed, where she gets naked and she takes off my pants. I am still wearing a sportcoat and shirt. We start to have sex, which is ok, but it's punctuated by several moments of "This is weird, we shouldn't be doing this, I just met you" followed by me saying "That's fine, I can understand that, we don't have to have sex" and then she gets all possessed demon voice like "NO." and we're having sex again. It's also to the tune of Wiggles up on the bed nipping at my foot and ankles. Constantly. And again, I am doing triple duty.
"This is weird." I take off my shirt and jacket because actually yeah, that is pretty weird. Not like the dog constantly attacking me or having sex while Samuel L Jackson yells at cobras is weird, but that's kinda weird. I take the opportunity to move Wiggles, and he stays quiet for a while and we go back to the sex thing.
Wait, he actually hasn't bitten me for quite a while, what's going on here?
I freeze.
Wiggles is tonguing my balls.
"Oh my god he hasn't bitten anything he's totally about to bite my balls." I'm freaking out. Wiggles goes north and starts
LICKING.
MY.
ASSHOLE.
And again, I'm doing triple duty.
We finish up. I make sure to lie on my BACK with the sheets pulled up past anything wiggles might find interesting. I kiss her goodnight before I leave.
I do not mention the explorations of Wiggles.