by schiaparelli » Fri Dec 12, 2014 4:23 pm
checking in, as it's finals week for me and i'm finding it terribly hard to sit down and seriously study for my algorithms exam (although i've been anxiously worrying about it every hour of the past two days). i truly dislike the professors for this course, which isn't helping—one prof accused me of not understanding a solution i was presenting during an oral homework (after continually interrupting me to ask somewhat irrelevant or poorly worded questions, or badly timed questions because i was just about to explain a particular point before he interrupted me), and i'm terrible with conflict and it just made me so anxious i couldn't properly explain things and i got very emotional.
and then i got really upset with myself after. i'm trying my hardest to frame it as "this was the professor being shitty, not me", but it feels a bit whiny and too easy to blame a professor for your own personal incompetencies…maybe i should have been more resolute against the badgering? i don't know. in any case, this is what i keep on thinking about when i try to study for that class. after the oral homework presentation i just ran to a bathroom and cried.
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the kind of upside of the past few months is that i'm preparing for my senior capstone project in the spring (interactive visualizations of CS algorithms) and i'm super super excited by the project. i'll be dedicating a good portion of my time to working on a project i think is pretty fascinating and worthwhile, and hopefully there will be a good code/design portfolio piece at the end of it. the capstone project is essentially two courses: a fall course where you prep, and a spring course that basically blocks out units in your schedule so you can get the work done. we had the final examination period for the fall capstone course last night, and our professor got pretty legit catering from a nearby hippie-modern italian restaurant. seriously the best free food i have gotten from an academic department.
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, i'm making a few assumptions obviously about what you're dealing with (and feel free to correct me), but if you're dealing with depression right now it's really hard to assess your capabilities and your competencies in any meaningful way. it's a rough situation to be in and i wish you all the best in grappling with it.
i'm a CS person who's been fighting to escape the seeming financial inevitability of software engineering—definitely feel you about not enjoying writing code for its own sake. i'm very happy to be able to code and understand some of the theory insofar as it's interesting, and it makes me feel capable, and it gives me the ability to peek into all these other interesting fields and have some baseline terminology to work off of. but the thought of spending a workweek writing code fills me with dread.