by bels » Wed Oct 07, 2015 11:06 am
CAST
François Pinault - Honorary Director
François-Henri Pinault - Chief Executive Officer
Jean-François Palus - Managing director
Jean-Marc Duplaix - Chief Financial Oficer
Sophie Bouchilllou - Director, Human Resources
[INT Kering Boardroom, Paris, France. Five men in dark suits and one woman are sat around the boardroom table.]
JFP: OK, so the board approves of an increase in Bjørn's capex budget of 14% in order to secure a larger retail presence in EEMEA. On to our next matter of business, the replacement of Alexander Wang as chief designer in Kering Luxury Division aka Balenciaga.
FP: Is that how his name is pronounced? Wang? It's undignified.
FHP: No no Dad, it's groovy, he's a very groovy guy.
FP: A crass name. It was a terrible mistake to hire a youth with such a name.
FHP: Ha ha, OK. Lets just take a breather here yeah? Like Lennon-Mcartney said, why not just "Let it be" Dad, yeah? Lets just brainstorm up a new designer, the new guy, the new sliced bread. OH wait actually let me get my "axe" to help us brainstorm. Does anyone else feel like they brainstorm best with a hot cherry red "Strat" in their hands? I know I do. Hold on
[Exeunt FHP]
JMD: Now whilst our revenue has been increasing our EBITDA dropped 2.6% in the last year. Who we choose for this position will be pivotal in ensuring that we can grow our market share in Asia Pacific whilst maintaining our strong position in North America and Western Europe. The Balenciaga brand has been tracking less and less appeal to young affluent consumers. They just don't see it as cool any more.
JFP: We need to find something hip. We need to find the next... who's that young gun that Bernaud hired recently? Jonathan Anderson? The next Jonathan Anderson.
[FHP enters the room holding a new, boxed Fender Stratocaster. He begins to unpack it.]
FHP: Wow this is pretty cool right? OK lets just start the brainstorming here whilst I unpack this bad boy. Sophie, what's GROOVY right now?
SB: Well we commissioned a survey on a furious internet chat space for teens, we asked them to rate a number of designers on a scale of HOT or NOT.
FP: Teens? Teens? How can you trust such a teen. It is all they can do to look up from their portables for a second to grunt at you. Who is the hottest young vapid designer you ask them. "Uh" they say. Where did you find these teens?
[FHP has extracted the guitar and is furiously strumming the strings]
FHP: Wow groovy, this is amazing. Just like Phil Collins right? Why isn't the sound on?
[He twiddles the volume knob but the guitar is not plugged into an amp]
FHP: Wow. OK Sophie, what did the teens say.
SB: They said the hottest designer is a "James Jebbia". He makes skateboards.
FHP: Skateboards, wow, very groovy. Never got on with them personally. I was always more of a surfer. Hang ten, dude. Rock on. Alright lets give him a call. Jean Marc, you can operate the conference dialler thingie right?
SB: Actually we already made contact but unfortunately we've been scalped. He just signed an exclusive deal to be creative director at Hermes.
FP: Jean Louis! That young IDIOT has beaten you yet again Francois-Henri.
FHP: It's cool Dad, it's groovy. Who else is there Sophie?
SB: Well we tried to find someone like this Jebbia character and we found someone called Shepard Fairey?
FP: A shephard of fairies? What is this. It's impossible to hire someone with such a name.
FHP: He sounds really groovy. Lets get him. Lets hire him. I think that's just what we need. Balenciaga by Shepard Fairey. It sounds very groovy, yeah?
FP: NON. This is ridiculous.
JFP: We need someone COOL. We need the coolest man in PARIS.
SB: This Shepard Fairey is AS cool as James Jebbia.
FHP: He sounds groovy, what's the ish? What's the hang up?
FP: RIDICULOUS. I did NOT build this luxury holding group by hiring fairy shephards!
JMD: OK, wait. Hold on. Coolest man in paris. Let me get my phone out.
[He puts his phone next to his mouth and starts speaking into it with a robotic cadence]
JMD: HEY. CORTANA. WHO. IS. THE. COOLEST. MAN. IN. PARIS. Hold on it's loading. Still loading. OK it's nearly loaded ok wait OK it says... Dem.. na.. Guv...asal..ya? Demna Guvasalia.
FHP: Well I say we go with Cortana. She's a computer or a phone or something. So she can't be wrong.
FP: RIDICULOUS. Now you leave the company's future in the hands of a talking box?
FHP: It's cool Dad, It's cool. Cool, cool, coolio. Coolio Iglasias. What's next on the list. I used to be able to play Wonderwall back at uni you know? Babes loved that. I think I'm going to learn "Angels" by Robin Williams. So sad that he's died.
[FP plays a minor chord on the guitar to represent grief]